Forced to choose between sister or my dad and his parents coming to my wedding!

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
3040 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I would keep your sister and let your dad/grandparents have their tantrum. The fact he can’t put his BS with his ex wife aside for his children is ridiculous and for your grandparents to stoop so low is sad as well.

Im sorry OP. I didn’t have either parent at my wedding so I know that’s hard to imagine but I wouldn’t let your sister be excluded for something your father is really being immature and selfish about. You did nothing wrong. The ex has done nothing out of line from the arrangement (actually nice she understands and agrees to the far pickup site and I can understand her wanting to be involved in their transport especially if she’s bringing a friend whose parents might have a transport understanding with her mom for her to go) and sadly your dad’s side is absolutely out of line.

“Dad/Grandparents, the plans I have previously given for sister’s arrival and departure will be staying set. We hope we will be honored with your attendance as well and accept whatever choice you feel necessary. Hence forth, I will not be allowing myself or my relationship with my sister to be placed in the middle of your personal affairs. I ask that you keep it separated from me whether for this event or in future ones to preserve our relationship should you choose to continue with that understanding.” …would be my response.

edit: I do not advise making you sister take other transport (no offense to poster that suggested). To do so, you would have to explain to her mother why plans changed. Her mother may end up explaining it to your sister as well which would mean your sister being alienated by your dad’s willingness to exclude her. That wouldn’t be your fault but I would try to prevent it getting back to her if in my power. Also, many parents rightfully so would not be okay with putting their child on transport alone or with someone they do not know personally. If you sister had a friend coming with her, that friend’s parents most likely had a transport understanding with her mom.

Post # 3
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Arrange to pay for public transport/cab/whatever or get someone else to drive your sister.

Explain to your Father’s ex that you aren’t prepared to let him force you to choose between sister/him, and this is the only way you’ll have both. Be very apologetic.

Enjoy your wedding with all of them there.

Afterwards, go to town on your dad for being an overly dramatic, petty, selfish man and a complete PITA. If it will make you feel better, that is. I don’t know what to tell you regarding your grandparents. I thought they’d know better by their age.

ETA: no wonder he has two failed marriages… they do say the apple never falls far from the tree, either!

Post # 4
5589 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

Katherine1 :  

I don’t have any advice but for the life of me, I cannot begin to understand why grown ass adults act like effing children.

Your dad is acting like a damn child.

Ugh, I’m sorry bee.

Post # 5
598 posts
Busy bee

Weddings seem to bring out the psycho in people. So sorry for you and for anyone else with this kind of crap going on during what should be a really great time. Don’t let anyone of them emotionally blackmail you like this. Stand your ground. Tell your dad and grandparents your sister’s mom is dropping her off, away from the venue and collecting her later, away from the venue. She’s her mother and has the right to make sure her daughter and her friend arrive and leave safely. Tell them if this means they won’t be attending your wedding you’ll understand and will explain to everyone in advance what has happened so nobody will be wondering on the day. Tell them also that you won’t be entertaining any drama and to just decide and let you know whether they will be there or not. It’ll all blow over and everyone will be ok on the day! 

Post # 6
1381 posts
Bumble bee

Tell your father that you will not be putting his daughter’s safety at risk so that he can get his way and that you will not be changing your plans based on a childish tantrum. You will be inviting the people you want to your wedding and if he can’t handle acting like an adult and putting his own daughters first, then you will miss him. Also let him know that you are not choosing between your sister and him. You are inviting everyone, and if he doesn’t show up it is his choice because he is too selfish to accept that for safety reasons his daughter’s mother doesn’t want her traveling three hours alone.

Post # 7
5096 posts
Bee Keeper

In general the person who is making you choose should be the one you remove. No matter who they are they are trying to manipulate to get their way. The only exception is abuse situations and similar. 

Post # 8
2414 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I don’t necessarily think that exes who refuse to see each other at an event are always “childish” but in this case *your father won’t even be seeing his ex-wife!*

Accuse him of being uncaring about how his other daughter travels to your wedding. It is selfish of him not to want her to be driven by her own mother. Your ex-stepmother is being very nice in what she agreed to. 

As for the grandparents, they don’t sound like much fun, even if they cane. Let them bail.

Post # 9
7026 posts
Busy Beekeeper

she would like to drop off my sister and friend as she in responisble for them the day before the wedding and then pick them up the evening of the wedding

Is your sister not an adult? It says 15 years + 3-4 years, which would make her 18/19. Why does she need her mom to drop her off? Honestly the best/easiest solution is for exwife to just not be involved.

HOWEVER if that is not possible, your dad and grandparents are the ones in the wrong. They are asking you to choose, and those are the people I choose NOT to deal with. If ExWife has to be there to pick up/drop off the girls, I’d say something like “wow I’m so sorry to hear that. If you’re unable to make it [over something so petty] we’ll miss you.” I dont deal with that kind of bullshit.

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