- 9 years ago
- Wedding: April 2011
I have a question. Did he know you were pregnant before or after he signed for the house? Was he getting the house for the baby or just because he wanted one?
I have a question. Did he know you were pregnant before or after he signed for the house? Was he getting the house for the baby or just because he wanted one?
@JenniBride: while I am not 100% prolife, depending on very few circumstances.. How can you say you would be pissed that he would want her to keep the baby. It is HIS CHILD too. He can at least have opinion. She can have the final say, but you’re saying he is suppose to have no opinion about his child he is having with the woman he apparently loves. That would be almost unhuman to have no emotion. PUHLEEZ
Honestly it doesn’t seem like you two are at ALL ready to get married.
He didn’t talk to you about the house and you’re not on the same page about children. I think the two of you need to have some serious conversations because calling him lazy and thinking about having an abortion (which IS your decisions but it effects him as well) is absolutely not where you need to be with someone you are engaged to.
I think having an abortion if you are not ready for kids is a 100% smart decision. Babies should not happen if you are not ready, and there is a huge number of people who would support you in that decision, one of them me. I think you guys have some huge stumbling blocks that need to be discussed, as other have pointed out – 1. why would your fiance buy a house without your input? 2. why was it not discussed what would happen if you became pregnant before marriage? 3. are you really mature enough to be making this leap if you can’t discuss these issues?
Deep breaths & here’s a [hug]. Sorry you are going through so much right now. It sounds like you have plenty to contemplate at the moment, but here is my two cents…
a house is a better investment than a wedding IMO if you have to choose between the two. The house will hopefully appreciate in value and help to build a financial foundation. A house can be passed down to a child or be sold to finance a child’s education, a wedding—not so much.
Right now is a great time to buy a house. He likely got a great deal on the home as well as a FANTASTIC rate on the mortgage. This was probably a “once in a lifetime” opportunity.
You can always do city hall now & hae a celebration on your aniversary or something. I know several people who did not have extravagant weddings or even just got married at city hall or a private church ceremony & they are still together & happy.
I’m most concerned about they things you say like “he is a mamas boy and is so lazy and has that mentality that asian women love to cook and clean so its almost like our “duty” attitude.” and “He is still so immature and so selfish.” Those are the red flags for me, more than having a house instead of a wedding. Also, the fact that he would make such a big decision (to purchase a home) without discussing it with you… That worries me most.
Bottom line is that you have some serious soul searching to do and you need to decide what is truly best for you and your child.
I wish you much luck <3
@greenek2: I guess I should clarify. I wouldn’t be upset that he had an opinion (even a strong one!!), because of course it affects him. What I am saying is that his opinion only matters if she wants it to – it is her choice what to do with the pregnancy, and his choice whether to stay with her or not, depending on that choice.
For the OP, I hope that she makes the decision that is ultimately right for her, based on a number of factors, including, but NOT limited to, her fiance’s opinion.
Of course there should ideally be consultation between partners on any life changing decision, but this is one that only she can make, because it is her body, not their body.
If you are ready to have a baby, make a home, and be a family with him and a child, then go for it. If you’re not, don’t. Having a child has never ‘brought us together’ and it’s a terrible idea to have a baby thinking that it will make your relationship stronger. If he’s willing to buy a house without consulting you it seems pretty indicative of his nature and it doesn’t sound like he’ll stop making decisions on his own and leaving you to deal with the mess. Here are two truths: 1 – getting married/having a wedding does not mean that you are contractually obligated to start a family, so while a house and family might sound like the better option, they’re not a better option if you’re not ready for them emotionally, financially, or otherwise. 2 – If you go along with his plan, whether it feels right to you or not, he will continue to call the shots in your relationship, marriage, family, etc.
I do not think it’s greedy, selfish or wrong to make a decision based on how you feel and what you believe is right for you. I urge you to do that. Your relationship already seems strained, a baby will only add to that. Consider your options and do what you feel is best for you. Considering his feelings is great in theory, but he certainly didn’t consider your feelings when he bought a house without even a thought towards your feelings!
Ok all the other ladies have touched on the major issues so I will touch on a smaller one…
Am i rightfully upset because long story short, he is a mamas boy and is so lazy and has that mentality that asian women love to cook and clean so its almost like our “duty” attitude.
If my Fiance felt it was my “duty” to do ANYTHING because of my race I would be FURIOUS! He should not be stereotyping you into some sort of role. There are sooo many issues going on in your post that I would be seriously hesitant to enter into a forever sort of commitment with someone.
He placed his wants and desires before your own with both the baby and house. There is no reason why you two couldn’t have sat down and spoken about this as adults. As for the child, it isn’t fair to give you an ultimatum. In the end, as so many others have said, the decision is yours. But if you do not have the time or money for a child than you nor anyone else like this has any business having one. I personally would be infuriated if I came to find out that the thing I had been pouring my heart into the most was taken away by a rash decision. How infuriated you must be! A real sit down needs to happen. You are not just extra money in the checking you are part of a team. There is no “final say” in marriage. No party has the ultimate power. You talk about things, espescially life changing ones, as adults and come to a solution as adults.
Please don’t let anyone coerce you into making a decision about your pregnancy.
It is your decision.
If you decide to have a baby there is nothing, zero, keeping him from breaking up with you. And I would say with 100% certainty that he is not going to volunteer to be a single father and get up every night for the baby. Child support – is a huge pain to collect – not at all as easy as people think. It’s your life that’s going to be impacted way more than his if you have a child, it is your body and it is your decision.
well, i was in vent mode so i may have not been clear on some points but the house thing, he went out on his own and got his mom to give him big money to get this house. I saw the house, he never made it apparent or clear that he was seriously going to buy anything but the only way I could get his attention was by talking about homes or what to paint the walls in the house or going to look at homes with him. His parents (both his mother, stepfather, father and stepmother and stepfathers exwife who was the realtor) were all telling him about buying a house and how right now is a great time but dont do it if you dont have money but buy a house buy a house buy a house. He wasnt prepared, it was all very last minute, he just jumped right in. The house is pretty, its newer 2005, and i hate the layout but its very “cookie cutter” “traditional” on the outside and was a foreclosure, purchased at 238 (house assessed at 279). I guess its a good deal, its not totally ragged out inside. its not what i wouldve picked oh and its also much closer to his mom and his job and if i lived there itd be a good 1 hour each way from my work and i dont even make half as him and he doesnt help out with gas or anything. i can ask for help but he gets stingy with his money.
anywho… the baby: we have talked about having kids but both agreed its just not our time. we are both heavy lifters and go to the gym a lot, both do motorsports stuff/car stuff/motorcycle stuff, had vacations and big events we were going to attend… you know… we had a lot of future plans. It wasnt until him buying a house that has brought up so many little issues to become big ones. Out of all of his friends and coworkers he does NOT have one person that is a good role model to look up to as far as being a husband and father. seriously. you would think college educated engineers would have it straight but nope. I did at one point think if I had a baby with him then maybe he’d grow up but I quickly trashed that idea because we were having fun despite his quirks and he hates babies. He has never held one. He thinks other babies are annoying. He says he will totally love our child and be a great dad but he hates all children. oookkk. we are financially not ready to be having a kid. and i know he will not change just because of a baby. we love each other, I love him but i feel like im falling out of love with him. All because he is just doing whatever he wants and buying things for his car w/o me knowing and claiming he is pinching every penny yet spending tons of money on his lunches and beer (and he lifts weights and stuff so he eats for 2+ basically… everything is doubled). He has become more and more selfcentered and he is constantly on his phone texting about his car stuff that he does instead of talking about what we are going to do about money like whos paying what and the baby and this house needs a lot of work so where that money is coming from. I pretty much have the crap-end of the stick. I want and dont want this baby. oh, and he isnt against abortion because he has brought it up before when we got pregnant but I had a miscarriage. I just dont know what to do cause a talk turns into an arguement and he puts up his walls so fast its like talking to a 5 year old about quantum physics.
First of all, HE is half the child. He may not be physically “carrying” the child but it is HIS too. I’m sorry, but I have a lot of issues regarding feminism and women making decisions about abortion without consideration of the father of the child. Especially when he doesn’t want it. There are many options, and some of them may mean he takes full responsibility of the child and grows up fast, you break up and he has full custody, and even perhaps one of the thousands on waiting lists to adopt finally get the child of their dreams.
Secondly, it’s constantly stated that you never truly are ready for a baby. Mentally and financially. That if people waited until the “time was right,” no one would ever have children.
If you have not closed, it is not too late to back out. Yes you do have to be careful in between approval and closing. You even have to be careful about depositing money… not opening new lines of credit, etc…
I do need to know however, if you are so unhappy with this house, why is he buying it? What will your mortgage be? For us, it’s actually cheaper in the home we just bought vs renting in our area. It sounds like you both need to spend a lot of time communicating however… Somewhere wires are crossing….
Bottom line, don’t make rush decisions. Your choices will dramatically impact BOTH of your lives. Abortion is not an easy out. It does have risks and dangers to your health associated with it. It also has even higher risks to your mental health and well being as well as your Fiancé’s. I know a lot of men who are hurting because their girlfriend had an abortion. One didn’t even know until after they had broken up and over a year later… but he’s still struggling with it. This isn’t just about you, there’s 3 people involved here… and personally, I’m siding with the only one who can’t claim any fault and is completely innocent in this situation, your child.
ETA: I just saw your latest post… To me, I think y’all need to talk and stop assuming about each other. I hear a lot of assumptions coming from both sides. Y’all need to sit, talk really long and hard, and perhaps even get a counselor involved. And just because a guy hasn’t held a kid or “hates kids” or doesn’t necessarily have the best social network of ‘fatherly examples’ mean he’ll be a bad dad or not grow up.. Everything is what you make of it… Y’all need to talk and figure out a lot…
oh yeah and the race thing… i was so offended when he told me that it was my duty and how i shouldnt mind it because asian women like cooking and cleaning so doing it 3x a day everyday including working full time should be no thing at all. I dont knwo where he is getting this weird attitude and real smartass remarks about women. I enjoy cooking but after an 11 hour day I just want to relax or cook leftovers or something and call it a night but he doesnt help with laundry or cleaning or anything. the sink, the toilet, the shower, laundry… nothing gets cleaned if i dont do it. his mother even admitted that its her fault she raised him a certain way that would make things difficult and she said she was sorry – sort of.
his little quirks were ok at first but he is acting like he is all man now and the quirks are serious problems. Theres nothing wrong with a mamas boy but he is so much like his mom and spoiled by her. It wasnt until this housebuying situation that I have really seen how many handouts he really gets. I have no doubt that he is stressing too but he doesnt realize what he did and what hes doing. Its all just so messed up! I know in the end an abortion or whatever is my choice, I dont have a problem with it but when the dad is saying no or im going to break up with you its like oook??? what now? its not even an option. So i have a kid and I wouldnt want to give it up but the life of a single mom is not what I want. My mother went through HELL and I feel so bad for her cause she was a single mother working so hard, way too hard and not having time to take care of herself cause now shes got throat cancer (and it was there for 2 years and didnt know it) and a bad liver. I mean call me a B word or whatever you want but I do not want to be a single mom. Theres nothing great about it unless youve conquered the downs i guess.
I agree with Brooklynrocks and MsBrooklynA. This story doesn’t really make sense. Why are you engaged to someone you think all these things about (immature, selfish, lazy, mama’s boy) and who thinks it’s your job to cook and clean for him because you’re Asian? Seriously, what? How do you even associate with someone who thinks those things, let alone be engaged to him?
There is just SO much that is bad about this situation. If you were pregnant before, and know you can’t afford a baby-and know your Fiance hates children- and know that you both seem too wrapped up in your own lives to be mature enough to raise a baby- then why would you get pregnant again?
I mean no disrespect, but I honestly think you both need counseling instead of a house, a wedding, or a baby. Buying a house and having a baby are two of the most important (and stressful) things a couple can go through- and the two of you didn’t even talk to each other about either of them. Pregnancy is preventable, as is buying a house you can’t afford. You guys don’t seem mature enough to be married or to be parents. Sorry. Please seek a professional who can help you sort all this out- if not for your sake, for your unborn child’s.
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