- 10 years ago
- Wedding: October 2010
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I disagree with a lot of posters who wonder why you wanted to get married. It sounds to me like you both were ready for the stage of life you were in – being together, getting engaged, renting a reasonably sized reasonably priced place together, planning to get married and have serious discussion about things that were going to be in the future. Now all those future things arrived to quickly and you aren’t prepared. As far as the baby – I think you could handle it, but perhaps you don’t want to, especially since your Fiance probably can’t handle it. That seems okay. If possible, maybe you can get back to the growing-up-together stage you were at, not the tough making-big-decisions stage you seem to be faced with. Best wishes.
I second what the ohter bees are saying… 1. it doesn’t sound like either one of you are ready to get married. It would seriously bother me if my SO bought a house without consulting me…I’m not for that Pam & Jim crap on the office, I would be seriously upset. I would also be upset if a man said it was my duty to take care of him… umm its not the ’50’s anymore yo! which then brings me to the question, How long were you even dating before you were engaged and how long were you engaged? I mean these aren’t quirks that just show up one day. Like it doesn’t seem like either one of you knew the other really well.
THEN…how did you get pregnant not once but twice? I understand that birthcontrol and condoms aren’t 100%, but birth control is pretty close if used correctly. Wouldn’t you be even more careful after the first pregnancy..I’m sorry it just doesn’t add up. I mean he’s an engineer… pregnancy prevention isn’t rocket science!
You need to evaluate what can be done and undone and go from there. The baby is coming (since you haven’t specified otherwise and since the father wants it right?) the house can be undone, the wedding plans can be undone. Seriously do yourself a favor and do some serious thinking about what you want before you make a decsion.
Sounds like to me that maybe he’s already checked out of this relationship. He’s telling you to basically go ahead and have this baby, but do it on your own. If he can’t commit to the baby now, how can you know if he’ll ever be able to commit? He is buying this house without any of your input. He seems more wrapped up in himself than with anything involving you. I would really take a step back and re-evaluate this relationship.
To the posters who suggested that abortion was a decision that has “lifelong emotional effects” and the OP should give her baby up for adoption, GIVING A BABY UP FOR ADOPTION HAS LIFELONG EMOTIONAL EFFECTS TOO. Carrying a baby for nine months causes you and the baby to BOND. Breaking this bond can be emotionally devastating for baby AND mother. Adoption ads, adoption agencies, and Juno don’t want you to know that!!!
You guys live together now, but you won’t live with him in his house unless your married? From the sounds of it, I don’t think you are in love anymore. And you guys are living 2 seperate lives already. It doesn’t seem like he cares about the relationship or future at all if he just went out and bought a house without consulting you. I think you need to distance yourself and do what is best for you. And, there is nothing wrong with being a single mom. It has been great to me. But do what you feel is right. He made a huge life decission without consulting you, so why should you have to consult him?
so is it all his money that he used to buy the house? or did you have wedding fund that u save up for together that he used to buy the house?
Also did you have a wedding date set and actually sat down and planned a wedding together? I really dont know why he would go and buy a house without discussing it with you first and u wouldnt be aware of it.
i dnt think its fair for ppl to compare having an abortion to living together unmarried. an abortion is a private thing between u n ur man, living together is a public thing so ur at the mercy of being judged by all friends and family. i dont understand not wanting to live together until married, especially if thats the norm in your social circle.
hopefully you are able to find a solution to all of this.
Wow! They way you talk about him, it seems like you don’t even remember what you love about him! You guys need to TALK! Don’t just talk about “colors to paint the walls.” Why do you feel like you can’t be direct and have an honest conversation with someone you want to MARRY?
I don’t agree with abortions, but it’s your body. I just hope that you don’t hurt eachother in the process.
He probably could have been smarter about the house, but really it is a buyer’s market. He probably bought it because he thought it would make YOU happy! If you didn’t tell him not to or that you didn’t like it, how could he know?
It seems that him using money from his mom is the major issue…atleast he has a support system! I’m lucky if my parents offer me gas money!
Personally, I would not have a baby with this man right now. Having a baby is forever, you can’t take it back, and as another poster noted, you just don’t have enough time to gauge if he’ll go back to his former self before you’re too far along to do anything about it.
He’ll leave you for aborting half his DNA but he expects you to stick around through his random house-buying, wedding-cancelling BS? And cook and clean into the bargain because as an Asian woman it’s your “duty”? HELL NO.
Another thing to consider about adoption is that there are thousands of kids waiting to be adopted or fostered out there. It’s not the storybook ending with a nice new family people might want you to imagine because they are anti-choice. Non-white or mixed race children especially are (heartbreakingly) less likely to be adopted/fostered. Please consider your options, despite the hateful things some people on this board have said.
Considering all you’ve said it sounds like you already know what you want, but need assurance. I’m going to be the person that says if you are not ready, and given the emotional and physical toll of adoption, not to mention the not exactly rosy picture awaiting this hypothetical child, abortion is not only the logical decision but the right one.
(Of course, only you can know your “right” decision – I am going by what you’ve stated in your posts re: not wanting to be a single mom, and your FI’s behaviour.)
To the point that he might’ve assumed they were on the same page, if abortion is that important to him it’s his job to ensure that this is actually the case before having sex. It’s difficult to swallow that this is deeply held belief when nothing we’ve read supports the notion that he gave the possibility of a termination a moment’s thought before this unplanned pregnancy.
And, good lord. Birth control is not exclusively the purview of those of us with XX chromosomes. Condoms exist.
I find it baffling that so many people are insisting that some form of deference is owed to this man on the basis of his ability to successfully insert tab A into slot B when he has failed to afford his partner even basic respect.
@Teaandtoast exactly! When Fiance and I became “active,” I started getting the shots and we discussed what would happen if I were to become pregnant. We made a plan, “just in case.” Because no birth control is 100% accurate, and you need to know these fundamental things about your partner!
Our sex life is amazing wouldnt change a thing. We got pregnant & had a miscarriage early on in the relationship
i dont regret having sex or getting pregnant. its just not the right time
I realize you are confused and struggling, but I have a hard time with the fact that you got pregnant accidentally TWICE and don’t feel the timing is right and yet you “don’t regret … getting pregnant.”
It is NOT that hard to prevent pregnancy and if the timing is not right then maybe you should be on more than 1 form of birth control.
IMO, if you do not regret getting pregnant then you shouldn’t be considering killing off the pregnancy
I understand how you are feeling…I’m sorry. I would let him know that you still want a wedding. Maybe you could set a later date then….until you accumulate more money. I know you think it’s morally wrong to move in with him and have a baby before you’re married, but sometimes life doesn’t work out that way. It’s okay to move in together…you’re engaged, and having a baby…..he has a house to support the three of you, that’s a good step. Many engaged couples have bought a house before they got married. Sometimes life circumstances unfold in ways we can’t control….
Perhaps you could get married at the court house, but then just have a small reception later on, on your date…..or when you could afford it.
Sorry I don’t have much advice, but I think you are saying you feel hurt that he chose a house over the wedding without really thinking of the repercussions, and didn’t seem to factor in the IMPORTANCE of the wedding to you. I’m so sorry.
I hope there is someone you can go talk to for advice….or maybe you could go to a relationship counselor for a session? Sounds like you have a lot of issues that you need to sort through. I hope he comes around in hearing you out. It does sound like he really does want to keep the baby and its important to him…
I hope you can figure things out with him, together….
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