Post # 1
I am a weddingbee regular but I created a new account to remain anonymous.
I just found out that my former best friend is engaged and I am letting it bring me down.
She is younger and prettier and I’m sure her wedding will be better than mine. Oh God! Why do I care?
We used to work together and became best friends but she was that friend that was work. She was very moody and temperamental. It was work to be her best friend but I hung in there for a few years. That was until she did something to me that was vile and despicable. (if you are curious and I can tell you are a regular poster her you can PM me and I will tell you)
We ended our friendship a couple of years ago but we have always been curious of what’s going on in each others lives. We have mutual friends so it was easy to learn tidbits about each other. She recently friended me on FB with a different account than she used to have. I accepted because I was curious to see photos and peer into her life. I’m sure she friended me for the same reasons.
Now I am going to see all of her planning and excitement on FB and I know it is going to make me ill to watch her be so happy. I know the easiest thing would be to unfriend her but then it would be obvious that it’s bugging me and I don’t want to give her that satisfaction. Oh Jeeze I sound horrible. What is wrong with me?
Post # 3
There is nothing wrong with you. I have an ex-best friend as well, but our lives will be forever intertwinded as our SO’s are really good friends. I check up onher sometimes…and feel the same as you, things will be better for her than they are for me etc…Tell me when you figure itout…I think we just need to think, our lives are ours, and comparing yourself to some else is no way to live your own life.
Your wedding will be a perefct day for YOU, and that is all you can ask for. As well I am sure she is not prettier than you! Everyone is different and I am sure are beautiful as well!
Post # 4
I think most of us have ex-best-friend’s of some variety. Heck, I have three! That makes me feel so lame and bad at friendships to admit, haha. I think it’s fairly normal to have some sort of feeling about the situation, whether it’s jealousy or not. One of my ex-best-friends just had an unplanned baby. I have fertility issues. It kind of stings, but I don’t think that makes me a bad person. I always say this – all feelings are valid. We have no control over our feelings, we just have control of our actions. So in your case, if you know it’s going to bother you…delete her. Or maybe block her updates from your feed. Remember that your lives are different and ALSO remember that FB only shows you tidbits of someone’s life.
Post # 5
Block her from your FB feed. It’s hard comparing yourself to someone else. This way, it’s not directly in your face all the time.
Post # 6
Yeah, there’s a hide option next to the drop-down in the right hand top corner of any of her posts on your feed. So you won’t have to see any of that. I’m afraid you’ll have to do some work on your feelings though… try to look into yourself and ask yourself whether and why this really matters to you. Sometimes it’s helpful to feel for the answer rather than think of it. Not sure how much sense that makes or how much experience you have with this, but it can work 🙂 pm me if you have any questions! It’s going to keep bugging you though, until you manage to truly forgive and forget and move on, accepting what is and what was. Sometimes challenges like these can be a blessing and help us grow as people, I know it’s hard to think of it that way but it makes a huge difference.
Post # 7
itshouldsnow’s idea is really good, you can hide her feed. You never have to see it that way.
Don’t feel bad, it’s pretty normal to not want to see people who wronged us be happy. It feels unfair, but like AmeliaBedelia mentioned, facebook only shows a snip of someone’s life. It’s the part they choose to make public. Some people are all about the drama, but some people only share the happy things to make themselves look good to the rest of the world. If the thing she did to you comes down to a character flaw of hers, then nothing she can do could possibly help her escape from what’s coming to her; she’ll bring trouble down on herself and that’s really sad for her.
ETA: I have thought about it and I think it might be worth taking her off facebook if you think there’s a chance she’ll shove her planning in your face, or at least be prepared to block her if she does do something.
Post # 8
Thank you for your kind words bee’s. Blocking her sounds like a good idea. Will she be able to tell that I did that?
I just know I will be curious about her wedding plans and secretly hoping mine are better. I will probably not be able to stop myself from “looking”
I guess I’m a glutton for punishment. 🙁
Post # 9
I also have an exbestfriend. She got engaged to a guy after a month of dating in high school right before graduation (May 2010) and married him before the year was out (December 2010). Her relationship was actually the cause of our falling out, to be honest. I still wonder about her, but it’s more so wondering about the girl I used to know, because she’s not the same girl anymore. I think it’s natural to be curious about someone you used to be very close with.
On the wedding side of it, I don’t even think for a second hers will be better than mine. That might sound mean, but I believe my relationship is stronger than hers and I believe that will end up showing in the pictures we have taken. I realize that sounds really petty, but it’s the truth.
I don’t think anything is wrong with you. When things don’t end well with a friend, it’s not exactly easy to want to see them happy. I’d suggest hiding her updates on facebook. She won’t know you can’t see her posts. And then you don’t have to be sick from seeing them when you don’t want to. 🙂
ETA: Your wedding will be better than hers, because it’s going to be yours. You won’t look back in 10 years and think ‘man I wish her wedding had sucked’. You’ll think ‘wow, my wedding was really lovely’.
Post # 10
You are completely normal for feeling the way that you do! Remember: your ex-BFF did something truly awful that ruined your friendship. How could you NOT hope that life is working out better for you? “What about karma? When is she going to get hers?!” lol
Anyways, I agree with the other bees. Try to avoid looking at her wedding bliss on Facebook. Block her updates. The less you give in and look, the less you will feel tempted, and the less upset you will be over her. Don’t let her have that power over you, after all this time!
Not to mention…let’s face it…most people’s “online lives” appear far happier and more glamorous than they really are. Things may not really be THAT wonderful in her life after all.
Post # 11
@sadface: If you block her completely, she can tell. If you just block her updates (I think the button is “Hide” ??) then she’ll not have a clue. You technically remain her “friend” you just don’t have stuff pop up in your feed about her. 🙂 I call it the best of both worlds. No new drama stirred up AND no annoying updates!
ETA: When I say she can tell if you block her completely, I mean she’ll probably figure it out. It’ll say you no longer have a profile but she’ll be able to tell you do if you have lots of mutual friends.
Post # 12
This is why I unfriended an ex good friend. I didnt want her harping on the good things that happen in my life (since she is like that) and I didnt want her updates pissing me off. Just block her updates or unfriend, dont allow it to drive you crazy! We’ve all been there. FB sucks sometimes.
Post # 13
@AmeliaBedelia: I agree 100% about all feelings being valid!
Jealousy in itself is not “unhealthy”. It is an emotion. It is your reaction to jealousy that matters. Sometimes, jealous leads to unhealthy behavior. Simply feeling a little jealous is not harming anyone. It’s not like the OP is trying to sabotage the ex-best friend in any way.
OP, you’re not wrong for feeling the way you do. It’s normal. I don’t have anyone in my life like that right now, but I have in the past.
Post # 14
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
HIDE HIDE HIDE HIDE and UNSUBSCRIBE (but stay friends)… she’ll never know!
Post # 15
Sometimes I hide people’s feeds myself. Yes I realize it’s jealousy, but when my husband was unemployed I didn’t want to hear about people taking fabulous vacations. When my daughter was diagnosed with autism I didn’t want to hear about people’s kids and all the adorable things they were saying. When I gained weight I didn’t want to hear 90,000 updates about people’s trips to the gym and how much weight they were losing.
It’s human nature! I enjoy fb to keep in touch with people, but you have to remember that people are only posting what they want other people to see. Usually not the embarrassing stuff. The fights. The money problems. The credit problems. And if they are, well that’s overshare anyway haha!
Post # 16
@mrsSonthebeach: Just what I was going to suggest.