Former boyfriend suddenly demanding joint funds after going MIA with no help

posted 3 weeks ago in Emotional
Post # 2
235 posts
Helper bee

Legally, I’m fairly sure he hasn’t got a single leg to stand on here. Block him on everything and move on. Make sure you have a support network you can speak to if you feel tempted to communicate with him x

Post # 3
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Your previous thread has 33 pages of responses, so I didn’t read the whole thing but got the gist. I would not respond to his “demand” that you return his call ASAP. In fact, I don’t think you should respond at all.

Like previous poster, I don’t think he can legally demand the money when he left you holding the bag. But honestly I am not sure. I don’t know where you go for legal advice, either, unfortunately. If he pursued it legally, it is probably a case for small claims court. 

Maybe you can go on the offensive, giving him a list of what he owed you. 

Post # 4
802 posts
Busy bee

It’s possible his new gf has kicked him to the kerb and he’s decided to try antagonise you now he has nothing better to do. He can’t have only just realised now, that you used money from the joint account.

Don’t return his call, don’t have any contact with him at all. You might want to get proper legal advice on where you stand and if he has any rights to any money. If anything needs to be done, do it through a lawyer, don’t have any direct contact with him.



Post # 5
4925 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

 Did you clear out the whole accountand leave nothing in there? If you did then despite how angry you feel at him, I’d return his half minus the cost of what it entailed to break the lease. Id also charge him on top of that for the time it took you to sort out and pack up his half of the life that he left you to do when he refused to do when all this went down. 

So if he is legally required to recieve 5k back from your account then minus every minute and hour that it took you to sort out his half in this. He left you to be his personal assistant in all this to sort out his life. A junior personal assistant in Australia for example gets paid 55k a year plus 9 percent superannuation on that. They are paid to work 37.5 hours a week. If you did the math it would cost their employer $55,000 plus $4500 in super contributions to hire them per year. If you break that down further it would cost an employer $1152 per week to employ them or $30.75 per hour. I would do the maths as to what a P.A earns per hour in your country/state and charge him accordingly for the amount of hours it took you to be his PA and sort out his life and his share during the moving process.  I’d include

1. all your emails, call logs to your landlord

2. All your correspondence to him asking what he wanted to do including phone logs, sms, email

3. all electronic evidence of how much time you took trying to get rid of his belongings he left behind for you to get rid of with his permission

4. the time it took you to do the typical end of lease deep clean of an apartment 

5. All the associated cost like packing boxes, cleaning products

6. The electricity used during cleaning, like light use, vaccuming etc. 


I’d go as detailed as possible and break everything down as minutely as possible with evidence and use the PA rate of pay per hour. I’d ignore him until you figure all that out and then I’d send him a big long itemized bill via email with all the evidence and break down costs.

Eg 5000k of his half of the account

Plus x amount $ for his half of the security  deposit return

Minus the cost of materials used in the moving process (cleaning, electricity, moving boxes etc)

Minus all billable time it took you as his PA to sort out his life in regards to him shirking his responsibilities in sorting out the end of lesse requirements.

Id then tell him he will get back x amount based on your calculations above.

If you do the above with method,  irrefutable detail and fairness, he won’t have a legal leg to stand on if he decides to try and take you on in a legal setting for his half. This is the best way of getting your own back and doing it in a legal way. He should get half of your joint account but he should also pay for your valuable commodity of the time it took you to sort out his half of the mess he refused to deal with in the wake of his shitty choices.  

  • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by cmsgirl.
Post # 9
9913 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with PPs. Make an itemized list of everything you took care of on his behalf – his half of the lease, any termination fees, moving expenses, etc. Provide proof (receipts) when you can. Send him this itemized list via certified mail and with a certified check for any remaining balance. If he truly is owed any money, it’s right to return it to him, but it doesn’t mean you should be screwed for all all the expenses you had to cover when he left. 

Good luck! 

Post # 10
2761 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

View original reply
@rosa8778:  I would ignore and block (both of them) on all platforms.  If he wants it badly enough he can hire a lawyer and take you to court (something tells me he’s all talk as most of these bullies are).  Definitely keep the list of what the funds were used for.

Even though it looks like they are still together on SM, my guess is that things are probably not going so well and he’s probably needing cash for something.

Post # 11
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Where did you leave off with splitting that account? You’re entitled to keep your half and use whatever of his half was needed to set affairs in order, but you do need to make sure the excess of his half was returned to him. If that has already been done, keep the records of what it cost to wrap things up, block him, and move on. 

Post # 13
235 posts
Helper bee

If you do decide to send the breakdown of the expenses then try to do it by post and still block him on all electronic forms of communication. If you’ve moved and don’t want him knowing where you live then use a PO box. Then you can communicate on YOUR terms and not when he demands you contact him ASAP.

He has no right to that level of contactability with you. 

It might seem OTT but I am extremely on guard about snivelling exes slithering back into your life. Be cold and business like with him. 

Post # 14
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Wow the absolute nerve of this asshole. He has no right to make any demands of you, let alone that you contact him. I’d hire a lawyer to send him a certified letter — better that you not have any direct contact — itemising the costs associated with him dumping everything on you, especially including your time, and also your lawyer’s fees. If there’s anything left of his half of the joint account remaining, include a cheque. If not, include an invoice with what he owes to you. I’d also be tempted to tack on fees for emotional distress or fees associated with the mental health treatment his actions have cost you.. but that might be a step too far.

But really you should do whatever is easiest for you. If that’s itemising things and sending him a letter yourself, do that instead of getting a lawyer. If you’re stressing about him escalating in the meantime, send one message to say you will respond to his message in due course and then block him everywhere.

Post # 15
9 posts
  • Wedding: October 2020

Honestly, I would not even respond to him.  You tried and gave him plenty of opportunities to help figure out what to do with the account and apartment when everything first happened.  Definitely keep a log of everything you used the money for and keep all the messages you sent to him regarding the account.  

Leave a comment

Find Amazing Vendors