(Closed) Former Bride now a Bridesmaid to a Bridezilla! Help please……very long.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What do you suggest I do?
    Stay in the wedding and order up 2 sizes : (9 votes)
    13 %
    Stay in the wedding and order up 1 size : (2 votes)
    3 %
    Drop out of the wedding : (59 votes)
    84 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2753 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @KSBlueyz:  ((Hugs)) First of all, I’m so very sorry about your MC. You’re a wonderful friend for being able to put aside your own grieving to be there for your friend. Would it be possible to sit down with her and have a heart to heart about things? Regardless of what you do for the wedding, I think it would be important to at least try for the sake of the friendship.

     

    That being said…take care of yourself first and foremost. You’ve already gone through such a terrible loss, and TTC can be a stressful journey. Your post has a six week timeline, and in that short amount of time she has managed to create quite a bit of stress for you NOT TO MENTION the egregious breach of trust. You are in no way beholden to stay in her bridal party, and now would be the best time to get out. I can’t imagine what she’s going to be like between now and January. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    847 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2015

    @KSBlueyz:  Eurgh, I’m so sorry you have to go through this. You don’t need this stress right now and if you are pregnant then you’ll need it even less in the next few months. say respectfully drop out of the wedding but say you’ll be honoured to attend as a guest. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    2555 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I’ve commited the crime of oversharing. I’m not proud of it or anything, but it was never done with bad intentions. what I’m trying to say is that she probably thoght it was a completely innocent piece of information and nothing to be ashamed about. have you never said about someone “she had a miscarriage but she’s trying again” or something like that? i want to clarify that I DO NOT think it was the right thing, just that she probable meant to no harm and that’s how you should take it

     

    i think that if you still want to be at this wedding, you should pay for the dress but actually order it in august or when you find out if you’re pregnant, whichever happens first.

    Post # 6
    Member
    6741 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Oh dear that was long. 

    First *hugs*

    Second – your friend is being selfish.  I also think about whether my friends are going to get pregnant and what are we going to do about dresses, etc.  But I never voice my cocnerns that way and I would never have all my maids order dresses 3 months before they have to when people’s bodies are changing.

    I think this is too stressful for her and honestly, you shouldn’t have to deal with it.

    I would tell her, “I am not comitting to a dress by May 1.  I have no idea what my body will be like in Jan just yet.  If you want the rest of the girls can order it by May 1.  If it’s a dress I can fit into it, that comes in maternity, then I will order mine once I am comfortable.  Otherwise, just go ahead and I will help out however I can with the wedding, but I will not stand up next to you as a bridesmaid and will instead attend as a guest.  I don’t want to cause you any more stress, but I cannot possibly continue like this either.  I’m afraid we’re going to fight over this and I value our friendship too much.  I love you, but you should go ahead and pick whatever dress you like and order it whenever you like and if there’s room for me come August and the dress fits, then I guess it was fate for me to stand up next to you, but if it doesn’t work out that’s ok, too.”

    And then print out a picture of her, tape it to a pillow and punch it.

    Post # 8
    Member
    1261 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    Wow, I think the craziest thing in all of that is that she lied to your face! That’s pretty bad. I also can’t believe she wanted to make sure you were spending as much as she did for your wedding. o_o Quanitfying a relationship in terms of dollar bills is awful. 

    I’d do what a pp suggested – sit down, and have a heart to heart. And then if she’s unreasonable for that, or that behaviour continues, drop out of the bridal party!

    Post # 9
    Member
    7673 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I’m really sorry about your miscarriage. It was insensitive of her to talk to others about that, and I’m not going to defend her behaviour there.

    But other than that, I don’t think this is at all ‘zilla territory. It’s just that you have different priorities. She wants the dresses now, you are focused on TTC and want to delay ordering a dress.

    Also, I must say your “WTF” sounds rather dismissive of her efforts. By my count she has already specifically shopped for a maternity dress for you 3 times (on the 5th, 6th and 13th). This is a girl who is trying very hard to accomodate you! Yes she is rushing the schedule too much, but she is trying hard to find something for you.

    I think you need to say, that if she must order dresses by May 1, then sadly you can’t commit to being in the wedding. She has every right to want to order the dresses early, it’s her wedding. If she accepts you can’t be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, I hope you both see it’s just different priorities and no one is being a ‘zilla.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1497 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @HisMoon:  +1. If you are TTC, can you handle 8 more months of this kind of stress?

    Post # 11
    Member
    7208 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2015

    @paula1248:  +1

    OP- I am so sorry about your MC and I hope you are able to have a healthy pregnancy very soon! I think you really need to focus on keeping your stress down and it doesn’t seem like this wedding is going to help with that. While it was a huge breach of trust for your friend to tell others about what you’re going through, my guess is that she told them to give a reason for not going with the dress that everyone had already agreed on. I imagine she told these other trusted women something like “I am changing the dress because I’m really hoping KS is pregnant by the time of the wedding because she’s already had a MC.” Yes, she should have kept it to herself, but I don’t think it was malicious. Save your sanity and drop out polietly. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    1877 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @KSBlueyz:  It sounds to me like the bride been very flexible and accommodating.  

     

     

     

    I am sorry that she hurt you and shared your secrets.  I am sorry that you are grieving your loss.  You sound like you have a lot on your plate to deal with emotionally already without the added wedding concerns.

     

     

     

    When it comes to the wedding, however, it sounds like she has bent over backwards to include you to no avail.  You have a lot of requirements, priorities and concerns that really don’t mesh well with her wishes and timeline.  It is her only wedding and she can have the look and ordering timeline she wants.  If you truly can’t do as she needs, you may be best to graciously bow out. It should be about her, and you seem too stressed, hurt, emotional, busy, and particular to let it be about her. You may be happier and more at peace if you could focus on baby plans instead of being a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  Maybe offer instead to do something special at the wedding where you can wear whatever you want like doing a reading, being a greeter, manning the guest book, etc. 

     

     

     

    Post # 13
    Member
    1844 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I’m sorry but I don’t see the bride as being flexible or accomodating.  I see less than stellar behavior out of her.

    1. “It is also during this meeting that I overhear her arguing with her aunt (who is upset about the price because she’s paying for 2 girls) that she spent $200 on my wedding so I should spend that much on hers.”

    2.  Dress manufacturer replies, “They reply that the particular style of the dress cannot be made into a maternity dress for various reasons”  Bride later sends her a text asking her why she can’t just order the dress 2 sizes larger, knowing full well what the manufacturer said about that.

    3. Bride “shared my current situation of trying for a baby with my husband, but that she’s also shared my pregnancy and miscarriage with her mother, aunt, younger cousins and my coworker!  Bride tries to lie about by saying her aunt overheard it.

    4.  The BRIDAL SALON tells OP she shouldn’t order her dress for another month or two in order to better guestimate the size of dress that needs to be ordered.  That is not good enough for bridezilla – those dresses MUST be ordered by May 1st because she says so!  Nevermind that there is PLENTY of time to order after that, and that the salon recommended it – bridezilla said NO!  “She gets nasty with me that says that the dresses MUST be ordered by May 1 because it’s her wedding and her timeline. She explains that she wants everything done according to her timeline because that’s that”

    No, she hasn’t been trying very hard to be accomodating.  Yes, they HAVE shopped for maternity dresses 3 times – the first time, the dress can’t be tailored to accomodate pregnancy.  Then the bride ignores the salon’s recommendation to OP to wait a month or two so they can order the correct size.  The only reason this is taking a toll on the bride is because she is NOT accomodating the pregnancy.  If the bride would listen to the dress manufacturer and the salon’s ordering recommendation, this wouldn’t be happening.

    I’m not seeing accomodating or flexible.  OP – I’d be dropping out of the wedding because she is just getting started and I wouldn’t put up with that behavior pregnant or not.

    Easy peasy fix for the bride?  Have the other girls order their dresses now and OP order hers in a month or two.  What the heck is so hard about that?

    Post # 14
    Member
    1478 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC

    @KSBlueyz: With regards to the dress. Its her dress, you have more important things to worry about. I would simply say “If that when you want it done by then I will happily oblige but the shop assistant already told me im likely to change and if the dress doesnt fit me by the wedding there is nothing i can do” and id leave it at that 

    Post # 15
    Member
    4803 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I am the first one to stick up for pregnant bridesmaids on these boards, and yes your friend has made some mistakes, OP…but I wouldn’t be so quick to pile all of the blame on her or call her a bridezilla.. Many brides on here like to get their Bridesmaid or Best Man dress orders in ahead of time in case of delays or problems, and to leave time for alterations – May seems kind of excessively early though, But it does sounds like a kind of difficult situation because right now your pregnancy is still a hypothetical situation – neither of you can be sure if you’ll be pregnant at her wedding or how far along you’ll be (I know I could wear regular-size dresses pretty far into my pregnancy, depending on the style.) And if there is a chance that you conceived this month it’s impossible to say if you’d even still be pregnant at her wedding or if you would have a newborn.

     

    But bottom line is that she is so wrapped up in her wedding that she isn’t being accomodating about your trying for a family and overshared your private details, and you are so wrapped up in trying for a baby that so far it seems like every wedding-related event and conversation the bride has had, you’ve made it about your possible pregnancy. At this point I think it would be best if you just stepped down as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, because it seems really unlikely either of you is going to be willing to compromise on this.

     

    Post # 16
    Member
    7977 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    @KSBlueyz:  Firstly, she shouldn’t have whinged about the price of the dresses, or shared details of your miscarriage. Now, I can understand if she said to people “I’m sooo stressed about buying dresses because one Bridesmaid or Best Man is pregnant and one is TTC”. That’s different, partly because it directly relates to her dilemma (what dress should I buy her if she’s TTC?) and partly because having a miscarriage is an intensely private grief in a way that TTC isn’t. Bad bride… and bad friend. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and hope you have more success TTC soon!

    Now, the other side… you have no idea of the **** she has been put through by her other BMs. Maybe it really has been a nightmare and she just wants to get the dresses ordered to get it over with. In that case, I’d just buy two sizes up and be done with it. You can always get it altered closer to the date.

    I do have a bit of sympathy for the bride here, because my bridesmaidzilla put me through some testing times when I was choosing a dress, and in the end I just said “we are ordering on this date. If you can make it and try on the dress, great. If not, I’m ordering in your size and we’ll be done with it.” I guess that could have sounded mean, especially because poor old Maid/Matron of Honor only had one request, and that was no pencil skirts… the dress which offended everyone the least ended up being a pencil skirt. I feel a bit bad about that, because she is a stunningly beautiful woman, but the dress I chose definitely does suit her the least out of all the BMs. Anyway, the bride is probably just sick of the whole dress search and wants it to be over, which is why she’s ordering early. That’s what I did… I just couldn’t face months and months of yet MORE stressful dress searching. When I finally got them, it was lilke a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

    I also flagged this though: “She also tells me that she is tired of dealing with people who are or trying to get pregnant.” I think she may have her very own pregnant/TTC bridesmaidzilla in the background… and it probably isn’t you! She shouldn’t take it out on you, but….

    The topic ‘Former Bride now a Bridesmaid to a Bridezilla! Help please……very long.’ is closed to new replies.

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