(Closed) Formerly LD: Adjusting to the Move

posted 6 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 1
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m starting this thread in hopes others in this situation can find each other and give support.

My Darling Husband and I have been living together solidly for about nine months and finally being able to be together is nothing short of amazing.  However I have moved thousands of miles from everyone I know, to a new country, and after nine months here I still feel no where near adjusted.

For us, where we were going to live was a no-brainer.  I had just graduated from Uni, had family and friends scattered all over the place and was used to moving around a lot while he had a job and all of his friends and family lived close to each other.  I felt the adjustment would be easier on me but….

Two biggest things

1)Job: Moving to a new country means lots of visa nonsense, which meant after graduating and going back and forth seeing what it was like to live together, I’d been unemployed since graduating well over a year before I was even allowed to look for work, and its been over a year and a half now and still unemployed.

2)Social Circles/Lonliness: I’ve never moved anywhere without either having school or my favourite hobby to fall back on to meet people.  However here my favourite hobby is hundreds of miles away now, and have yet to find a way to make any of my own friends (though I try!) and this has been really hard on me.  I have adopted many of DHs friends, and family members our age but there remains only a single person that it feels natural to simply hang out with, though I’ve made an effort with others, they don’t reciprocate.  DH is at work every day and I keep myself busy reading, doing projects, cleaning, running errands but I am always just waiting for him to get home and I find myself really emotional during the day having no one in my time zone to talk to, and no one outside of Darling Husband to open up to.  I feel unbalanced like I can’t stop blabbing when I finally get around people, and I’m sure I’m more clingy than most wives when he gets home because he is my only companion and I know thats not right.  I find myself on the verge of sadness whenver he makes plans with his friends, whenever he goes to band practice because I just start thinking of all I’ve left behind and how I so desparately want my life to start feeling more like a life and less like an extended visit.  I never want to deprive him of anything, but lately I’ve been having a really hard time staying positive when day after day I feel like I’m struggling to get my life moving as he seems to be soaring…. while at the sametime, my being jobless is hurting us both.

I know that things are bound to improve – especially once I get a job, but at the moment I’ve been finding things rather difficult.  I would never regret coming here – I love it here, his family has been so so kind and this is all worth it to be together…. but moving has been much more difficult than I was prepared for.

Anyone else feeling similarly?

Tagged: ,

Post # 3
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I just want to say I understand.  I moved to the UK to be with my Fiance as well.  And on top of that, we do not live together for religious reasons.  Adjusting to another country is *tough*.  Period.  As such, don’t be too hard on yourself, and give yourself a lot of grace.  I’m sure his fam has been nice . . . and I don’t know where you moved from (the US?) but there’s a good chance that the UK has given you a bit of culture shock.  It is actually normal to go through a period of feeling down when you move to a new culture.  Read up on culture shock for yourself.  It takes time to adjust and feel normal again, and 9 months is really not a super-long time as far as this type of thing goes.  See how you feel after 1.5 years — I’m sure things will be soooo much better.  I totally get you because prior to coming here I was in college and grad school, constantly moving around, etc.  At the same time, I had instant circles of friends wherever I went.  Here, I have made friends in my community . . . but it is TOUGH to find work in the UK for Americans for a number of reasons . . . and not having a job can be tough on your self-esteem.  I encourage you to just keep pressing forward, keep job searching, etc.,  and things will eventually get better.  If I were you, I would look into joining a temp service . .  sometimes that can lead to a permanent position.  Be flexible about the type of work you are willing to take even if it’s not your dream career.  You can always continue to look for your dream job while you are in a non-dream job.  Just be glad the “distance” between you and your Darling Husband is finally over!  Yay!!  You have so many reasons to be happy. I’m sure that if you had to choose between the comforts of the familiar and a good job back in your home country or being with your Darling Husband, you would choose your man without hesitation.  so just remind yourself of that.  Eventually, this place will feel like home.

And about the visa thing . . . UGH!  It is so frustrating.  Does it affect your ability to get a job?  You bet it does.  I have gone through this frustration sooooo many times.  And it can be tough for people who don’t have to go through it to understand.  Currently, I am switcihing from a student status into a category that will allow me to work full time and in any capacity.  But it has been sooooo difficult to job hunt with this student visa, let me tell you.  People want to know that you have the proper visa in your hand right now before they will hire you, which is understandable, but still . . . it makes things rough.  And now . . . back to my UKBA visa paperwork  ðŸ˜‰ (I am not kidding!!!)

Post # 4
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You are certainly not alone in your situation. I’ve been living in France for about 4 years now to be with my Fiance – so I’ve also had to deal with the language barrier as well which has made it difficult to integrate in terms of finding a job and local friends. I’ve been working on my Masters degree for the last two years, so it has been nice being in an American community. Yet I finish my degree next month and most of my friends will be leaving the country, so I’m back to square one and now my French is a bit rusty. 

It really took some time to adjust. I’ve moved around the US many times and it always took at least a year or so to really fit in, but with the international move it has taken me about two years.  After the first six months of being super lonely and pulling the “I moved across the world for you” card too often, I met up with people to do a language exchange, joined a gym, took yoga classes, found some new hobbies, etc. It’s really important that while you moved to the UK for your husband, you aren’t staying just for him but you have your own life. It’s an ongoing and active process. See if there are classes in your area or something that will get you out of the house on a regular basis and give you a chance to meet new people.  

 

 

Post # 5
Member
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’m going to look at this thread later after I move to be with my husband, who is in the  Navy.

Post # 6
Member
1106 posts
Bumble bee

I feel you, girl! I am so sorry you had to move to a new COUNTRY!

Have you checked maybe a gym or dance studio? Maybe an art studio, library? If you go out around the same time each day or a certain day every week, you will probably run into someone that you will see every time and hopefully make friends with them.

I moved from being with my parents a) to transfer uni and b) happens to be the same uni as my SO goes to. He has been here for 3 years already and while I visited, it’s been hard. Granted I am able to go to clubs but I tried that and finally I found a comfortable place, but my SO is there as well (a campus club) so I still feel like I need something of my own. But, I was able to secure an internship (just volunteering, but it gives me college credit) and I have met a few people there so I’m hoping I get some friends that way. It is tough, I’m sure.

If you ever need to vent, I totally get where you’re coming from, so you can always message me! 🙂

Also, congrats on the marriage! 😀

Post # 7
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I couldn’t imagine where my head would be if I had moved to a country where I had to learn a different language!  It is helpful to hear that perhaps I’ve just not been here long enough for things to normalize, as in the past its only taken a couple weeks to a couple months so my expectations were probably skewed.  And yep, I’ve been applying to anything and everything that doesn’t blantently require skills I don’t have.  Before I was applying to jobs posted by temp agencies that claim to keep your CV if case something else come up, but recently I’ve contacted them directely as well… hope to hear from someone eventually.

My main challenge to being independant has been money.  I can’t afford to take classes of any sort (still looking for a job)…. though Darling Husband and I just got a membership to a rock climbing gym, but when it comes to doing things independently I feel guilty asking him for money so I can go to dance classes on my own….   He’s never been 100% comfortable with me dancing with other dudes – though he doesn’t dance, and I’ve explained to him over and over again that I get more attention from guys when we go out drinking together than when I go social dancing, but he just can’t shake the discomfort.  I can almost understand, except that he’s always invited but won’t step foot in the dancehall.   I am certainly going to try to go more often, but so far its been hard to get myself to go with any consistency, even though it was my entire life before I moved out here.  I also find that about half the time I get into a funk, I get frustrated that I don’t know anyone and the dancers seem to just want to dance with the people they know well, so I leave early just to be with Darling Husband… because I will have spent the previous 11 hours on my own.  I’m a little bit lame, but loneliness in public space can completely unotivate me.

On the more positive side, I have joined a book group, but it only meets once a month so it hasn’t really altered my overall situation yet.

Post # 8
Member
1106 posts
Bumble bee

Hey, everything helps! I meant more like a dance class that is where you just dance by yourself like jazz, ballet, etc. But I understand his view and I KNOW how you feel about the asking for money!

I haven’t been able to find a job besides a from home selling thing, which I don’t get too much from. :/ So my SO is always paying for things and I feel soooo guilty asking for money!!!! Even if I don’t ask for it and he just pays I’ll be like “Are you sure?!” I really hate him having to pay for stuff ESPECIALLY when we AREN’T married. Or even engaged! I mean, I am very traditional and think that the man should pay for most things but I still feel bad!

Post # 9
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I didn’t move to a new country but I did move 600 miles away from everything i have ever known to be here with my Fiance. I still havent really found any friends so I am dealing with the lonliness and I really miss my family but I am slowly starting to adjust to being here.

Post # 10
Member
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I won’t be moving to another country just 2,000 miles away from everyone I knew and grew up with. I’m worried about some of the things you mention in your post. It honestly scares me because I don’t want to be clingy. His family seems to like me well enough and a few of his Repost friends apparently want me to join their circle, but I’m on the fence about that. Sigh.

 

I really do hope things get better for you hun. Have you talked to him about this? Sometimes it’s good to get it out on the table, and maybe also try and arrange a late night phone call with family or friends back home. Maybe ask if he’d be up for a week vacation back to your neck of the woods? What about picking up a new hobby? One that would allow for more interaction with others?

Post # 11
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’ve been in a similar situation of moving to a new country and having to sort things out.  What worked for me was picking up a new activity.  I started playing both ultimate frisbee and rugby.  Both were free, though I now pay for rugby.

If you’re interested in sports you might want to look around for pick up leagues.  They’re often free and a good way to meet friendly people.

It will get easier.  It just takes time.

 

Post # 12
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Normally I would be all over starting a new hobby/solo dance but the issue is really money, I can’t afford to take any classes beyond what we’re alreayd paying to do together.  Team sports have never really been my thing, though I am on the lookout for free things.

Yeah, even though we’re married I hate that he pays for everything…. he’s almost paid off his student loans and is preparing to pick up my large student loan and I feel awful about it…. but I’ve been searching like crazy for a job since September with no luck, and we don’t want more interest to pile up… so stressful.

Heh, and yes we talk about it… I have to actually limit how much I talk about it as to not get stuck there.  But he can tell by my face when I’m thinking about it and always tells me to tell him what I’m thinking, and that he’s sorry things are difficult for me.

Post # 13
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I feel this way sometimes. It’s been 10 months since I moved to be with my Boyfriend or Best Friend and days like this past Saturday do happen still. We invited his family over for dinner and although I was happy to see them, it made me miss my own family even more. I mean we skyped with my mom after dinner, but still it wasn’t the same and I ended up crawling up into a ball before dinner and having a good little cry by myself. As for the job situation, well I got lucky and was able to get a work visa in his country but honestly I hate my job. I’m doing the same work I went to school to get away from back home. But since it was the easiest route to live here (my old job got me a transfer), I took it.  When it expires, I’m not renewing it though. I told my Boyfriend or Best Friend that I’ll just get a visitor visa and stay home till I can get my permanent residency. And he’s ok with that as long as I take a few classes in the meantime, which works for me.

 

 

 

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