Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been together for quite awhile and are slowly moving towards marriage. We’ve just moved in together, so we share finances. We’ve both agreed that once we have a certain amount of money in savings, we’ll get married. We want to have enough money for a nice downpayment on a house, pay for our wedding, and to have no debt with enough in savings for emergencies. At this point, it will take us about two years until we reach the dollar amount we want.
While my boyfriend was at the gym, I was rummaging through his desk trying to find a highlighter and came across a recent bank statement in HIS name that was tucked away in the very back – almost like he was hiding it. It’s a savings account that has enough money in it to pay for all of our goals. WTF? WHY didn’t he tell me about this!?
I put the bank statement away and acted like I didn’t see it but now I’m really pissed off. Do you think he’s hiding this because maybe he’s going to surprise me later and say that we can get married sooner than planned?
I tell him all the time how I can’t wait until we have enough money to get married and to get a house and this entire time he’s had the money stashed away in an account that he hasn’t told me about! Does he not want to get married to me?
I’m afraid to tell him that I found the statement because I feel like he’ll think that I was snooping. I can’t go to my friends for help because they can’t keep their mouth’s shut and I can’t tell my parents because they’re already pissed off at him for our argument a couple weeks ago.
Post # 3
You found it accidentally. If he doesn’t believe you, oh well. Either way, he has some explaining to do. I say bring it up casually (“Hey, I found this while I was looking for a highlighter …”) and let him take it from there.
Post # 4
Yeah I mean I think you have to just go for it with this one. If you don’t have the conversation because you’re afraid it will piss him off or whatever, you’re the one that will lose in the end. If you’re going to marry this guy, you have to be honest especially about money and future goals/plans. If he doesn’t have a good explanation or gets upset with you, I would treat that as a red flag.
Post # 5
I think you’ll have to ask him. The risks outweigh the benefit of the doubt here!
Post # 6
Uhm, I don’t think he has ANY explaining to do.
Clearly, this is money HE saved up. Why does he have to take all his hard earned savings and use it to pay for all the thigns the TWO of you want together? He could have it saved up secretly for any number of reasons. It’s HIS money, not YOURS. Even with combined finances, I think that’s separate from your combined finances.
As long as the two of you aren’t struggling and are able to reach your goals in a reasonable manner and time, I don’t see why you would be pissed or why you would bring it up.
Maybe he is planning on surprising you early with a ring or maybe he has a cushion for savings just in case he loses his job or maybe it was some money he received and was told to hold on to and not spend or maybe it’s money he’s saved up his entire life for retirement and he doesn’t want to spend it.
Who knows, who cares, it’s not exactly any of your business especially since you two aren’t engaged. I think it’s something you bring up once you have a ring on your finger, if he hasn’t mentioned it to you then.
And in the same token, there’s nothing wrong with you keeping a separate savings account, too.
Post # 7
@GirlPower: How do you know he doesn’t have that money earmarked for something else – like paying off student loans? Or money to help out an elderly relative? It’s his money either way.
If money is absolutely the ONLY thinking that he’s mentioned is stopping him from proposing, as in it’s what’s pushing back your wedding date by years, not months, then that sounds like more of an excuse to not get married because anyone can get married for under $100 at the local courthouse. And you don’t need to own a house before you’re married.
Post # 8
It is his money, not your money and not our money. Maybe he has it earmarked for something else. As long as you are both contributing equally to saving towards your shared goals (the house and wedding) then I personally think it is none of your business. Maybe it is his engagement ring fund, or honeymoon fund or new car fund. It is his own personal business.
It could also be that he isn’t ready yet to get married which is also fine.
Post # 9
If you can’t discuss finances openly, you shouldn’t be wishing for an engagement.
This is a really big deal, and you need to discuss it with him.
Post # 10
Yikes. If I’m completely honest, I think he’s been using the money card to stall your relationship. Even in a best case scenario he is still lying to you.
Post # 11
If you’re ready for marriage, you should be ready to have this conversation honestly and directly. I hope I’m wrong, but from your other posts I’ve gotten the impression that he’s not ready for marriage. He does not seem very mature and equipped to successfully resolve issues between you two. If you really think you’re both ready, you should go to pre-marital counseling and talk about it in that setting. Just don’t try to jump to conclusions on your own.
Post # 13
The money is the whole reason why we haven’t gotten married yet. He says we can’t afford it and that we need to have x amount before we go through with it.
Post # 14
ANd the emphasis is the WE have to. Not he has to.
Post # 15
exactly, “WE” don’t have enough money. HE does, but that’s not YOUR money. you two have a plan set up together to get to the point where you do have enough money. I don’t see the problem. Sure, it would have been nice if he had been completely forthcoming with you, but you have no idea why he’s keeping that bank account a secret and I don’t think you’re engaged yet, so I don’t think you actually have a right to know.
Post # 16
it’s his money. he has no explaining to do. period.