(Closed) Found a bank statement that contradicts what my boyfriend has been telling me

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
1744 posts
Bumble bee

Prior to merging finances, was there a conversation where there was a discussion and it was unambiguously stated:  We’ll both put ALL of our money (savings and checking) into this joint account.  Or, was there a converation “we’ll open a joint account and start putting our money into it”?

Because if the conditions were not very clear, I can see how there was a miscommunication. Though his lack of being forthcoming does make me wonder if he’s really gung ho about moving forward as quickly as possible – as it sounds like you are.  

 

Post # 48
Member
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2005

I would ask.  You found it innocently, and now you’re curious.  I would save any accusations for after you know what’s up.  Maybe it’s a surprise.  Maybe it’s an inheritance that his family would kill him for sharing before marriage, maybe it’s somehow not his money to spend.

Don’t get mad, just get your answer.

Post # 49
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I don’t think he owes you an explanation, if he wanted you to know about it he would have told you. My boyfriend has a lot more in savings than I do, and when we get married it will become joint, but until then I would never be like we decided we needed x amount of money for this and YOU have it saved so cough it up. He worked hard for it, it’s SAVINGS, if it were an emergency he might use it for that but he probably doesn’t consider that money that should be contributed to spending. You live together, it was on his desk, i doubt he was hiding it.

Post # 51
Member
854 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Thank you for the update, I understand a little better now. 

I personally don’t believe anyone should give up all of their financial assets to anyone, especially when you’re not legally married, without leaving something on the side for a rainy day.  He could just be protecting himself. 

Also, are you sure the account is for all of your savings: emergency, misc, wedding, house, or is it just for the wedding and future home? In other words could it be that he believes the account you opened is just for the wedding and home?

Post # 52
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

View original reply
@GirlPower:  You two need to discuss what your expectations are about finances. Does all of the money you two make belong to you both? Should you maintain separate savings accounts? What percentage of income goes towards “our” future? At this point, you need to know those things so you can plan for your own future. Sharing finances and allocating all of your money towards a future that isn’t certain is not smart. You should definitely think about opening your own savings account and you should start securing your own finances. “Planning to propose/waiting for a proposal” has no weight in the real world. Your fiance has a right to handle his finances however he pleases while you two are dating. Pressuring him into a commitment and premature financial transparacy is not going to put a ring on your finger any more quickly. If he is financially healthy and responsible, you shouldn’t be concerned

Post # 53
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’m really torn on the subject…. I’ll admit when I got my taxes back I didn’t tell my Fiance (yes we were engaged) how much I got back at first.  He origionally thought I got back approx how much he did (which wasn’t very much at all). But I had a lot of breaks with paying out of pocket for school and such plus savings. ANYWHO… I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want to pay for EVERYTHING since we couldn’t afford it together. I wanted to get my money separate bc then there was no “oh well you have $$$ money in ur account, we can afford the wedding” and him slack off. Yes I love him dearly, but yeah.  When we went furniture shopping, that’s what happened. I paid for ALL of it except $600. Because that’s all he could contribute.  Yet I’m still paying for 1/2 the tv ($500).  So pretty much I’m out a few grand while he’s out maybe $1100. I wanted everything for us to be split evenly. I don’t resent him, but right now I could’ve def used the extra money and I hate that because I spent my hard earned money on us and I feel guilty for asking him for money. He’s supposed to be putting extra into our joint savings, but he hasn’t.  Tha’ts a whole other issue.  But you can see why I was reluctant to tell him….

 

HOWEVER!!! I DID tell him I did have money on the side.  He didn’t push me to tell him how much.  He just knew I did.

 

So in the end of a huge post… I can see why he may have not told you. Because I think he should’ve matched what you cleared yourself for.  However, I think he should’ve at least told you he kept money on the side and left it at that. The way I see it is that as long as he is putting in just as much as you are (exact amount or % of paycheck) into joint accounts and paying bills on time, what he does with the extra money shouldn’t be an issue. I’d rather him keep it in some account rather than spend it on alcohol or gamble.

Post # 54
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

View original reply
@BlondeMissMolly:  

 

Completely agree with what you have said! 

 

OP: If your in a committed relationship, living together with a MAn you intend to Marry, You need to have a calm collected conversation about this- Otherwise its going to play and play on your mind. Money helps people achieve their goals, but arguments and Lies about Money destroys them! 

 

 

 

Post # 55
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
@futuremrsk18:  

 

I completely agree that if this money has been up aside already for something specific, then yes, he is entitled to keep it separate.

 

But if it is “just savings” then I think it should have been put into the joint account. By the sounds of it the OP was under the impression that, from now on, they would only have one account – the joint account. That they were, in a banking sense, married and together, working towards a joint goal. If the OP was married then it wouldn’t matter who started out with more, they put everything together because, finically speaking, they are now one unit.

 

Very rarely do two people earn similar amounts. In those relationships I would think that it was highly uncommon that they both put in X amount  and then the person who earns more gets to keep the rest for themselves, that just not how I see a partnership working. I think that same concept applies at the beginning of the marriage. It should be about %age, not X amount. So if the OP put in 100% of her savings then so should he. 

 

To protect the person who put in more at the start they should get a prenup. Which apparently you can get a prenup-like document drawn up even if you aren’t married. At least I’ve heard of this through the grapevine so I could be wrong. 

EDIT: I think I’m slightly wrong about the “one” account. OP, were you under the impression that you both had ONE savings account, but seperate spendings (for lack of a better word) accounts? 

Post # 56
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

A lot of bees seem to be focusing on the financial side of the matter. Their advice and opinions are valid, but make sure you don’t get entirely bogged down in that issue.

 

The topic at hand is whether or not he wants to marry you.

 

Don’t let yourself be side tracked from finding out that answer. You deserve good things in life. Make sure your OP is treating you with the same kind of respect you give him and don’t forget you have support here. 

 

Post # 57
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
@j_jaye:  

I think what you did in your situation was 100% correct. BUT if you and your BF (at the time) had decided together to combine assets and savings etc, and you had not disclosed then, THAT is when I think this would have been a problem. 

The problem is that the OP and her BF decided to combine all savings (at least that’s the impression I’m under at the moment), it now appears that he didn’t do that. 

Post # 59
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

For me, money is ALWAYS a touchy subject…

That comes from life experience (I am over 50)…

My upbringing makes it a “breach of Etiquette” to ask someone such personal Questions

AND my bad marriage / horrid Divorce has taught me that money can be a very UGLY topic for couples… even married couples

(Statistically Money is a HUGE issue and a cause of many a Divorce)

My beliefs are such now UNTIIL YOU ARE ACTUALLY MARRIED, that whatever you own is your own…

Even if a couple has agreed to pool / share resources jointly

(And what does that mean anyhow?  For some people it means 100% combined, and for others merely paying expenses 50/50.  ALL VERY CONFUSING)

Legally you have no stake in one another, until you say I DO

So I can’t see where what he has been doing with his money is truly any great concern of yours

Maybe a gray area tho in that you’ve both agreed on a common goal, and now you find out that things are not exactly as you assumed.

You could certainly have a chat about it, as you claim you came upon the Bank Statement “accidently”

But then what ?

What if he tells you he has a lot of money put aside… he’s been keeping it on the down-low because he sees it as a Private Personal Matter

Does this mean your views of him change ?  Or he of you ?  Will it erode the trust you two have ?

Honestly, I think you might want to weigh the possible outcomes of such a discussion / confrontation BEFORE you reference the Bank Statement you found

Maybe it is better to just have more open discussions about money in general, and how you guys value it… how you feel about it, what it means to you now in life, going forward, and for the future.

Those topics will tell you a lot more than perhaps playing this one card…

Hope this helps,

PS… For the record, Mr TTR and I didn’t join our finances pre-Wedding, we stuck with a 50/50 situation (not ideal for the long term for so many reasons… you can do a WBEE SEARCH and read my comments on WHY exactly such an idea doesn’t work and is detrimental to women ala Gail Vaz-Oxlade of “Til Debt Do Us Part”) BUT it assured that neither of us was in a situation whereby if we should spit up while dating, that there would be a “bigger loser” in the equation.

Found the link to a past topic on Joint Finances… you can find my very detailed replies at # 6, # 18, # 19 and # 23

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bank-accountsfinances-plan#axzz2VySUK5LT

 

Post # 60
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m honestly surprised by some of the responses you’re getting to this. You combined finances. I don’t get the whole “his money is HIS, not yours” argument in this situation. Isn’t the point of doing that to establish that what is yours is his and vice versa? I would definitely be concerned about this, and ask him point blank. If he can’t be honest with you about it, or he gets defensive, then reevaluate whether you want to marry this guy, because fights about money are soo common in a marriage and it sounds like this could be the first of many.

And as for the poster(s?) who said that they wouldn’t use THEIR savings to pay for a wedding… Well, that’s what you do if you don’t have the luxury of having parents to foot the bill! I don’t see why that is a legitimate defense for this guy. If marriage and a house are really what he wants, he shouldn’t have a problem using his nest egg on it. 

Post # 61
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
@GirlPower:  I completely understand why you are upset and I would be too.

Is it possible that this is some sort of trust or investment that he can’t touch/doesn’t have power over? I still think it’s weird that he didn’t even TELL you about it though. 

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