(Closed) Found a bank statement that contradicts what my boyfriend has been telling me

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 63
854 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

View original reply
@SilkieChicken:  “And as for the poster(s?) who said that they wouldn’t use THEIR savings to pay for a wedding… Well, that’s what you do if you don’t have the luxury of having parents to foot the bill! I don’t see why that is a legitimate defense for this guy. If marriage and a house are really what he wants, he shouldn’t have a problem using his nest egg on it.”

I was taken aback by that statement as well…

Post # 64
180 posts
Blushing bee

Regardless of the outcome, you should think about opening your own account now.  There are a lot of things that come with a huge risk if done before being legally married. Despite both of you promising to save in one account, you don’t have the legal protection of joint/community property that comes along with being married.  Don’t act like a wife when you’re not.

Post # 65
526 posts
Busy bee

are you going to talk to him!?

Post # 66
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@GirlPower:  Fiance and I started a new account for us. Any money we had before that is our own to use as we wish and doesn’t have to be combined into “our” life and finances. We saved up together for the house and wedding so its ours and not one just one person. Eventhough he has the money maybe he doesn’t feel like he needs to spend it all at once without a contribution from you. 

Post # 67
6354 posts
Bee Keeper

Yeah, I would be pissed if Fiance hid a ton of money from me.

It’s his money technically, though we already act as one household with one pot of money, but it’s not about spending it, it’s about hiding it.

I never asked him about his finances and he didn’t tell me about them until we were together for about 4 years, and I told him mine. The understanding was “that was all there was to tell.” So, OP, if you’re in a similar situation, where you were basically told you knew all there was to know, I understand why you’re pissed. And I’d be worried too. Because why doesn’t he trust you? What does that say about where he is emotionally? This is a bad sign.

I would absolutely suggest bringing it up with him. Why drag it out? You need to know what’s going on.

Post # 69
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’d be upset as well. DH and I combined finances prior to marriage, and had he kept something hidden from me, I would not have liked it.  If he told me that he was keeping $x in a separate account, that would have been one thing, but to have been keeping it a secret…

We had full financial disclosure.  We knew each other’s credit scores, total debts, etc.  

Post # 70
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Op you should really talk to him. At this point there should not be secrets between you two and you should be able tp discuss these things. I hope everything works out!

Post # 71
463 posts
Helper bee

This isn’t about having the money, it’s about hiding the money (or at least lying by omission).

Of course it’s his money and he doesn’t have to use it for anything he doesn’t want. Knowing that, how can he see his girlfriend putting her every cent on the line, and just let her assume he’s doing the same?

@GirlPower:  I would find a way to ask him, unsuspiciously and casually, whether he has any assets outside of your relationship. As long as he doesn’t outright lie about it, you can work with that and hopefully he’ll learn that he needs to trust you. But if he does lie, I would take that as a major lack of trust and commitment.

Post # 72
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@GirlPower:  he needs to explain for sure and u might not want to hear his answer but I think it’s maybe in case you two don’t work out (although u plan to) how lon have u been together? It might just be an acc he wants to how on to in case anything goes pear shaped or something like an emergency comes up- it’s always good to have some savings but he def should have told u about it!!!

Post # 73
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I personally would not have combined my finances before marriage, and didn’t, though DH and I were both honest about what we each had.  

HOWEVER, since you DID agree to combine finances, I think it was totally wrong of him to withhold “his” money, at least with out bringing that into the discussion.  It would be different if it was a small amount that could potentially be a secret “ring account,” but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case here.  

Sounds like you two need to have a very serious talk about finances, lying/lying by omission, and most importantly, your relationship.

Post # 74
10635 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

What exactly did you two discuss?  Did you actually sit down and talk about various investments, etc?  If not, I think he may have a good reason for not mentioning it if you more just started a joint cashflow and savings for specific things.

When DH and I were just dating, he knew I had savings, but I wasn’t comfortable telling him how much.  Now we consider everything joint, regardless of the name on the account and we keep each other updated.

The secrecy is concerning if you already talked about all your finances and he keep this secret from you.

Post # 76
9164 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
@SilkieChicken:  My parents did not pay for our wedding. We saved together for our wedding thanks very much. That is what a couple does. One person paying the majority of something is giving one person the power in a relationship. It is why a lot of Stay-At-Home Mom find themselves pennyless and unemployable with no options when the relationship ends.

We have managed to buy a house, have a wedding, have plenty of holidays without touching my nest egg. Having a private nest egg or savings does not mean you aren’t going to use them for your life together but it does give you the protection that if something happens you can provide for yourself and/or your family.

If I want to lend my sister $300 for an abotion or give a friend $500 towards custody lawyer fees, I can do so out of MY savings. NO questions asked. I do not have to discuss this with my partner and I am sure my sister/friend wouldn’t want me to. It will have no effect whatsoever on our combined financials. Same deal if I wanted to treat my husband to a new bike or he wanted to suprise me with a romantic holiday.

Having a seperate savings account that was from prior to the partnership does not necessarily mean something neferious. Infact it makes sense to do so. What if your partner has an affair and decides to drain your savings account and run off with his mistress? What if your partner dies and someone contests  the will or it goes into probate and a hold is put on the combined savings account? What happens if your partner is arrested and a hold is put on your financials? What if your husband turns out to be controlling and abusive and restricts your access to the money?

Life isn’t always simple and I know this forum is all rainbows and puppy dogs but marriages end (about 50% at last count) and they often end badly. No one wants to think about it but it is prudent to protect yourself and your assests if you have them prior to marriage.

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