(Closed) Found a bank statement that contradicts what my boyfriend has been telling me

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 77
Member
5399 posts
Bee Keeper

@GirlPower:  his response is concerning because it’s like he was caught red handed and is now deflecting the “blame” to make you feel bad. I think he owes you a simple explanation about why you put all of your savings in and he didn’t after that was what you agreed upon. Why he would get so defensive doesn’t make sense if it was just a misunderstanding. 

Post # 78
Member
2497 posts
Buzzing bee

@Everdeen:  +1. I don’t really get some of these responses. Don’t want to combine finances? Fine. But that’s not what this topic is about. OP and her Fiance decides to merge finances, so anyone’s story about not merging finances is pretty off-topic.

@GirlPower:   I would be pissed too. It’s not okay to hide money in a joint finances situation. He doesn’t have to spend it on your combined future, but he needs to disclose it so you can determine if you can make an informed decision about whether to put all of your money toward the joint account. And it’s also not okay to lie about having enough money to do the things you both agreed on. If it’s simply because he’s not ready or because the savings is earmarked for something else, he needs to own up to it.

You should find out why he hid the extra money in the first place.

Post # 79
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@GirlPower:  Just read your latest update, and I’m sorry he reacted badly, but refusing to sleep in bed with you and sleeping on the couch instead? “We made our goal! I hope your happy!” ? This is a bit immature, and sounds like he hid this money on purpose and knew it was wrong. Don’t feel terrible. It doesn’t sound like he’s upset about you snooping and not trusting him; it sounds more like he’s embarrassed his secret was found out.

And for a man whose goal is to marry you, etc., he should never have said “I hope you’re happy!” When you talk to him, you should bring up your future plans and ask him, really, if he’s ready to take the next step, because at this point, it doesn’t sound as if he is.

Good luck, I hope everything works out well for you in the morning.

Post # 80
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

uh! why is he getting so upset? It seems like he was definitely hiding this money from you and now he’s upset because he got caught in a lie. He’s acting as if its about the money which it isnt, its about him keeping things from you. On the other hand maybe he was saving up for the ring but either way he should of told you about the money because when you live together there isnt much you can hide from one another. Hopefully after he calms down he can understand your point of view.

Post # 81
Member
1367 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@GirlPower: What, you put all YOUR savings and checking to the joint account? And why is that? You are not married or engaged yet.

It’s YOUR money before marriage and my opinion is that you should protect it. The savings account you discovered is HIS money. You feel lied to. I get that. But, it sounds like you didn’t communicate throughly. I suggest you start communicating ASAP.

Wow, sorry I didn’t read your update. His reaction is yes, concerning. But I’m glad you let **: hit the fan and now open communication?

 

 

Post # 82
Member
708 posts
Busy bee

@GirlPower:  You’re right, it is a misunderstanding. Happening on this statement revealed a misunderstanding, and broaching the topic with him in this manner lent to another misunderstanding. Hopefully you can communicate better tomorrow. I’m so sorry that you’re in a bad spot right now.

Post # 83
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

OP, sorry to hear that you and your SO had a fight over this.  Hope everything gets sorted out in the morning.  I totally agree that, while he didn’t necessarily have to put everything into your joint account (although I feel like he should have since you did), he should have at least said SOMETHING about it.

Post # 84
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I agree with lots of pp’s that it’s his money. What I don’t agree with is that he didn’t tell you about it which to me is equivalent to lying. Also feel like it’s unfair to you because you put all of your savings into the joint account under the impression that he was doing the same. He mislead you. That’s not cool. If he didn’t want to get caught, he shouldn’t have left proof laying around even if it is tucked away in a drawer. 

Post # 85
Hostess
7556 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

IMO it was wrong of him to lie and it was wrong of him to make you feel bad about it. I wouldn’t consider getting engaged unless you feel like you two can communicate about money honestly and openly, without arguments. 

 

Post # 86
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

just read your update – yikes. that goes to show that the money didn’t have an earmarked use – he was just hiding it. 

forget the money, if i was going to marry a guy, i’d need transparency about finances and who has what because that is a HUGE challenge in marriage. 

so the trust question here isn’t that you found the statement – because that was an honest mistake – but why he didn’t feel he could say ‘i have this 20k and here’s why i’m not comfortable combining it’ with you. why doesn’t HE trust YOU with that $/knowledge?

Post # 87
Member
2055 posts
Buzzing bee

Oy (esp. after reading that latest update). 🙁 As other PPs have pointed out, you do need to be on the same page regarding finances, and I truly hope that he comes to understand this. I hope that once he calms down, you can talk things through (without having to resort to any more juvenile foot-stamping reactions).

Post # 88
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m going to pretend that I wrote @somethingaquamarine: ‘s post. She’s right on.

This isn’t about money, not at the heart of it. It’s much more about communication, trust, and the future. Heck, dude’s hiding stuff from you that results in a longer time to marriage, then acting like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar when you found his secret stash. You really need to sit down, have a good talk, and figure these things out.

I’m sorry that you’re in this situation, and I hope that it works out for you.

Post # 89
Member
4548 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

He reacted pretty strangely.

I was siding with the ‘it’s his money’ crowd, but his reaction makes me a little nervous. 

Keep us updated, I hope things are calmer/ better for you both by the time you read this.

Post # 90
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@FauxPas2012:  +1

 

 

 

I don’t get all the people saying “It’s his money, he doesn’t have to tell you anything”.  If you’re serious enough to be speaking about marriage with someone, you are serious enough to have an adult conversation about finances.  It’s a huge issue in many marriages and the more open and honest you can be upfront, the better foundation you will set for your marriage.

 

 

 

 

 

@GirlPower:  I think you need to have a conversation with him from a place of concern, not accusation.  It’s quite possible that he’s keeping the money aside for a ring from a surprise perspective, but it’s also possible he’s hiding this from you for other reasons.  You need to find out.

 

** Just read your update.  That really stinks that he made it all about the money and didn’t trust you that you just happened upon the receipt. **

 

Post # 91
Member
983 posts
Busy bee

I really hope you are able to speak about this with him properly and figure things out. You are not in the wrong for feeling lied to. You had BOTH decided to combine funds and he did not do this. If he had said something previously you would have no right to be upset, but he didn’t tell you which causes an issue. So either there was a miscommunication in that he thought you were both keeping personal funds AS WELL or he was hiding it from you for whatever reason. And that may be a really good reason! But you do need to discuss it further and sort it all out.

Good luck!

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