(Closed) Found a bank statement that contradicts what my boyfriend has been telling me

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 92
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I understand what people are saying about having separate savings, and I agree, however I find it very concerning that he kept it so quiet. I’m sorry things have blown up, I was so hoping he would say he had been saving it to surprise you or something 🙁 I also think the way he said “I hope you’re happy” is a bit worrying. It sounds like he may not really be on the same page as you about getting married 🙁

Post # 93
Member
12244 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I can’t believe how many people are saying “It’s HIS money”

You guys are planning a life together! You have joint finances!

He is hiding money, and that is seriously skeevy behavior. Definitely talk to him about it!

Post # 94
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@j_jaye:  I don’t think people should share all money/assets until after marriage, but I do think he should have been honest about how much money he has. That’s what bothers me about this…the lying by omission.

He should have been honest about this, even though it is his money he saved. If someone planning a life with someone else, honesty is expected from both parties.

Post # 95
Member
4504 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

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@BrandNewBride:  She has. She posted an update.

Post # 96
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Ouch. He sounds really quite immature. It’s almost like he’s in denial about being in a commited relationship. Hope you can get a reasonable response out of him when he’s calmed down OP.

Post # 97
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@Car7yn44:  But you know about your SO’s savings. That’s completely different from the OP’s situation.

If OP’s SO had not been hiding his savings, he would have told her about it. 

Post # 98
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@cupcakebride2013:  I’ll admit when I got my taxes back I didn’t tell my Fiance (yes we were engaged) how much I got back at first.  He origionally thought I got back approx how much he did (which wasn’t very much at all). But I had a lot of breaks with paying out of pocket for school and such plus savings. ANYWHO… I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want to pay for EVERYTHING since we couldn’t afford it together. I wanted to get my money separate bc then there was no “oh well you have $$$ money in ur account, we can afford the wedding” and him slack off. Yes I love him dearly, but yeah.  When we went furniture shopping, that’s what happened. I paid for ALL of it except $600. Because that’s all he could contribute.  Yet I’m still paying for 1/2 the tv ($500).  So pretty much I’m out a few grand while he’s out maybe $1100. I wanted everything for us to be split evenly. I don’t resent him, but right now I could’ve def used the extra money and I hate that because I spent my hard earned money on us and I feel guilty for asking him for money. 

It sounds to me like you do resent having spent more than your Fiance, which IMO has no place in a relationship. As long as two people are contributing what they can, that’s all you can ask for. There is nothing lazy about someone who contributes what they can to a shared goal.

So if your combined income is X and your Fiance is making .3X while you are making .7X, then it makes sense to me that you would contribute approx 70% and he would contribute approx 30% to shared life goals after you are married, and also when you are planning for the future beyond marriage right before you get married (this is the phase you seem to be in). Don’t expect your relationship (including how much each of you makes relative to the other and also your attitude about money/contributing to things) to change after you get married.

I do think it’s really messed up if you’re;looking at it as “my” money and “his” money and/or counting nickels and dimes in your relationship, even if you claim not to be. And that is exaclty what I read from your post.

Post # 99
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

you should have your own account too. You’re not married and have no legal protection to that money should something happen. 

Post # 100
Member
6738 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@Everdeen:  Even if he didn’t have a SPECIFIC goal in mind, it was considerably more than what she was contributing.  He was protecting HIMSELF.  It would be the same advice we would give any female bee here – to protect herself!  And, they’re NOT married.  They’re NOT even ENGAGED.  They’re just dating and working towards a goal.  That’s great, but they could break up and walk out of each other’s lives in an instant.  OP wanted to contribute her savings.  He didn’t.  I’m not saying he shouldn’t have been open about it, but I am saying she has no right to be pissed about it and she has no right to his savings.  He doesn’t have to contribute all that money.  It’s his and rightfully so. 

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@GirlPower:  This response is normal.  He purposely hid the money from you and has been caught.  Of course he’s trying to deflect blame.  Maybe it’s not the best response, but he told you that he wanted to WORK TOGETHER towards ONE GOAL and you are forcing his own money into that goal now by drawing attention to the money.  That’s why I didn’t think you had a right to say anything until you were actually engaged. 

I’m sorry, but I think HE was smart for keeping it separate and YOU wanted to contribute as much as you could bc it was important for you to reach that goal quicker.  If you had come to me before, I would have told you to keep your savings separate.  You have absolutely no legal protection and now he doesn’t on what is RIGHTFULLY his money. 

Money is the #1 reason people fight and divorce.  You are NOT engaged, NOT married, just dating.  You were working towards a goal, but were wrong to think that you had more right to know about his additional money than you actually did.  I don’t mean to be harsh, because I understand where you’re coming from.  If my Fiance had an extra few grand hiding, I’d be pisssed, but the truth is – he DID.  He hid enough money from me to buy a 3tcw ring.  And sometimes I get “pissed” about that bc he hid it from me, even with a good intention to buy me a ring, but I may have asked for a smaller diamond so that we can have more money for a wedding, too or something else. But, that was HIS money that HE saved and HE chose to  use it towards my ring only.  Not the wedding, too.  The wedding is less important to him (not the marriage, just the party part), than the ring was.  What am I supposed to say?  It’s his money!  Even with combined finances (we only have 1 joint bank account, all ccs in both our names, and I have 1 additional checking that I am closing soon), he has every right to save money up for another purpose, too.  As long as he’s not spending it on something illegal, or squandering it away, or on another woman lol, I don’t think it’s awful.  I’m just trying to help you put things in perspective. 

I think you need to apologize AND get him to apologize for assuming that you snooped when you stated you found it – he shouldn’t assume you lied about that and he needs to apologize for not trusting you to be honest. 

Post # 101
Member
15126 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@MrsWBS:  +1

That was second most bothersome thing going on here aside from him hiding money.  You moved ALL your money into joint accounts.  God forbid you need it, but you left yourself no protection or buffer at all. I think he if felt that it was “his” money since it was earned and saved before you combined finances, and he contributed equally to the joint as you did, then he should be able to keep it separate.  But I do think it was wrong of him to hide it.  Also, if he really wanted to move along with the engagement, house, etc, I think he would have been open with it and open to using it, instead of hide it!  I had 5-6x what my husband had saved when we got engaged.  We didn’t start saving for our goals with just “our” new money and wait to save…I told him what we had, started looking at home, then took that and bought us a house. 

Post # 102
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@j_jaye:  Your posts weren’t what I was referring to, so you don’t need to get snippy. A previous poster flat-out said, “I would have NEVER used savings towards my wedding. my mom and his parents gave us money for it and i only payed for the alcohol.” To me, that’s an immature and frankly selfish way to view money and weddings, like a wedding is worth the cash as long as it’s not HERS (or in this case, his).

 

If OP’s boyfriend wants to save some money on the side for a rainy day, that is certainly his prerogative. If he only wants to put jointly saved funds toward their wedding and house, then fine! But the point remains that they decided to combine finances with the understanding that they were both all in. He HID that separate account from her, and that wasn’t right. And now, as I suspected he would, he got defensive about it and is essentially punishing her for her discovery. That is also not right. If two people are mature enough to plan to get married, they should be mature enough to be honest about their finances. I suspect if OP’s boyfriend had said, “Yes, let’s combine finances from here forward, but I’ll be retaining my savings account.” then we wouldn’t be having this discussion now. There are lots of ways to approach finances within a relationship, and I’m not faulting any of them. But as other posters have astutely pointed out, the problem really isn’t about the separate account but rather the fact that he hid it from her–and now the fact that he’s making her feel guilty for finding out.

 

ETA that I’m really sorry this is happening, OP. I don’t think this has to be a deal breaker, but I hope he can stop being so defensive and just be straight with you about it. It’s only as big a deal as he makes it at this point.

 

 

Post # 103
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@GirlPower:  I agree with you here. This is not about the fact that you want him to do anything in particular with the money, this is about the fact that he has not been entirely honest with you. I would be bothered a bit as well. If he does have it earmarked for something he should say so.

Post # 104
Member
1920 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m kind of late to this thread. But I’m curisous to see what happens. OP I hope you guys can talk this through today. His response last night was a little strange. But it’s an obvious sign that the two of you need to have better communication and definitely need to spend more time discussing future financial plans/goals before moving forward with an engagement.

Post # 105
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Posting to follow.

Post # 106
Member
1447 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@BlondeMissMolly:  This. Hiding finances from your partner that you agreed to share with is not OK, marriage or not.

The topic ‘Found a bank statement that contradicts what my boyfriend has been telling me’ is closed to new replies.

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