(Closed) Found a bank statement that contradicts what my boyfriend has been telling me

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 107
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO

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@GirlPower:  Thanks for the UPDATE (Post # 74)

YIKES… but I did predict back at Post # 58 that such a thing might happen… and it might be best to go slow rather than jump the gun on this issue. 

You could certainly have a chat about it, as you claim you came upon the Bank  Statement “accidently”

But then what ?

What if he tells you he has a lot of money put aside… he’s been keeping it  on the down-low because he sees it as a Private Personal Matter

Does this mean your views of him change ?  Or he of you ?  Will it  erode the trust you two have ?

Honestly, I think you might want to weigh the possible outcomes of such a  discussion / confrontation BEFORE you reference the Bank Statement you found

Maybe it is better to just have more open discussions about money in general,  and how you guys value it… how you feel about it, what it means to you now in  life, going forward, and for the future.

Those topics will tell you a lot more than perhaps playing this one  card…

You needed to determine WHAT he was thinking and WHY versus the flat out idea that he did you wrong.

What a mess it is now…

Hopefully, you guys can work this out, because sadly Money Issues is most definitely ONE of the MAJOR CAUSES of Breakups… be it Marriages or folks living together.

And precisely WHY IMO… it is best not to 100% combine things until one is actually married.  You are the one taking the hit here, not him.  Lesson learned hopefully (incase there is a next time)

(( HUGS ))

 

Post # 108
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

It’s the dishonesty that would bother me here… if, at the point of combining finances, he had ‘declared’ his savings and said that he wanted to keep them separate from your joint money, then I would think that that is fine. But he didn’t… he knowingly allowed you to pool all YOUR money into the joint fund, but secretly keeping back some of his own.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to keep your own savings separate, but he has gone about things in a deceptive way. That, not the money, would be the thing upsetting me.

Post # 109
Member
3657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

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@CARA1978:  you said

 

“And as for the poster(s?) who said that they wouldn’t use THEIR savings to pay for a wedding… Well, that’s what you do if you don’t have the luxury of having parents to foot the bill! I don’t see why that is a legitimate defense for this guy. If marriage and a house are really what he wants, he shouldn’t have a problem using his nest egg on it.”

I was taken aback by that statement as well…


And I completely understood the poster. A wedding isn’t that important to her, if there’s going to be one, someone else pays for it. Or she pays for it out of current income stream. That’s my take on it anyway, and one that I agree with.

For me, money in the bank is sacred. Once it goes in, it doesn’t come out but for major life changing events or a house or a car. Parties don’t count.

 

Post # 110
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

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@futuremrsk18:  I agree with this PP.  

 

I dont think he has to explain anything to you when you are not even engaged yet let alone married.  If you two were married or even engaged, you would have the right to interrogate him but it’s his money and it’s his choice whether or not he wants you to know everything about his finances.

Post # 111
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

OP, I am sorry he reacted that way.  I would be pissed about the lack of honesty, which is really what is comes down too! 

 

My SO and I have not joined finances, but we had a full disclosure conversation on how we split bills (we live together), how much we are putting away in savings, 401K accounts, life insurance policies, IRA’s, etc, etc, etc.  We had this conversation to assess we were on the same page with our financial futures, because we both believe saving and financially protecting ourselves is VERY important in a long-lasting relationship.

 

We also made decisions on how we will handle joining accounts post marriage.  What we will combine, what we will keep seperate, and what we will continue to invest in indiviudally and together in the future.

 

I am completely on board with seperate savings accounts, provided we are jointly adding a percentage to a savings account we build together.  HOWEVER, the seperate savings account is still ‘on the hook’ for joint conversations.

 

You guys had a discussion, you guys made decisions on how to handle finances together, and he did that without letting you in on a KEY piece of information!  And again, it is not because you or your relationship is entitled to HIS money, but because it would have allowed you to decide to protect yourself a bit too by keeping a seperate savings account. Im sorry OP, but this really stinks!

 

Post # 112
Member
3657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

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@peonyinlove:  you said

 

…so the trust question here isn’t that you found the statement – because that was an honest mistake – but why he didn’t feel he could say ‘i have this 20k and here’s why i’m not comfortable combining it’ with you. why doesn’t HE trust YOU with that $/knowledge?

 
oh, yes! That is it in a nutshell, well said!

Post # 113
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@GirlPower:  is that something you decided upon together? (I wouldn’t have done that until engaged at least…. In fact I am engaged and although we’re combining fully after the wedding Fiance and I still have our separate checking accounts for now and our joint one for joint expenses). Or did you decide to do that on your own?  If you decided on your own, there’s no reason why he should do the same. If you decided together to combine everything into that account that you both have and he didn’t mention this other account, I would just ask hin about it but would NOT get mad or accuse him of lying until you hear his explanation. He could have a perfectly good reason to have that separate account.

 

ETA: whoops, replied to your comment about you putting all of your money into the joint account before reading all the followup…..yikes, I don’t like his reaction, especially sleeping on the couch? What for?? Please update us.  It seems like he was upset he got caught lying to you and then was like fine, I’ll put it all in there hope you’re happy!??? You need to be very clear that the issue is his lie by omission, and give him an opportunity to explain why he didn’t tell you.  His response will tell you how committed he is to combining fully and I would be very careful with your money until you are at least engaged.

 

 

 

Post # 114
Member
3657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

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@BearyLovely:  no, you are wrong. They made joint decision to combine money, all money (so the OP thought.) With that agreement, the Fiance is obligated to disclose his finances (or, at minimum  say “I’ve got some savings that I will not put in the joint kitty and I’m not going to talk about how much that is.”)

Now understand I’m not laying all the blame on the Fiance. I suspect that OP didn’t “hear” some things in their initial disucssion about combined finances that she needed to hear. People hear what they want to hear. Perhaps she didn’t observe that the Fiance wasn’t totally on board with combined finances and saving up for a wedding, etc. Does he even want to get married? If he does, does he want the same $25,000 wedding that she wants? Who knows.

Now she is finding that stuff out for real. With important decisions like getting married, both words and actions need to match. The FIs of the world can’t say one thing and do something else.

I also agree with PP that this financial arrangement is not very safe for the OP, it’s just not sensible to conbine finances with no legal protections.

 

 

 

Post # 115
Member
1841 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I have no advice.  Fiance and I have several accounts; his, mine, and ours, and he’s always up front even with what’s in his.  I’m sorry it blew up in your face.  I would for sure not let the matter lie, and try and open up communication/discussion about it again.

Post # 116
Member
3208 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

OP, this is a great opportunity to open up communication on finances and plan everything again. If you are not married, you should not have fully combined finances because you have NO protection. I’m in a common-law marriage and have not fully shared accounts with my SO yet because in my province, we would not be subject to equalization payments on separation. This is the one benefit of legal marriage, which is why we’re getting married. A purely financial decision so we each are protected.

Seriously, use this opportunity to take your personal savings and move it into a separate account. Earmark some money to go in there each month. Then set up a home account for general expenses, and a wedding/engagement account. I think it was wrong for your boyfriend to keep this account a secret from you, but he’s entitled to it. He very obviously was protecting himself since you are not even engaged yet. You should do the same for yourself. Perhaps if you show you are financially savvy, he’ll be more forthcoming in the future.

– please excuse typos, iPhones are the devil.

Post # 117
Member
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I truly believe he was saving it to surprise you with a ring…here is why, and I could be wrong, but my gut tells me this:

He is willing to put all that money into the account. I think he would have fought you quite a lot more had it been for some evil-doing on the side.

I think he was wrong for keeping it a secret, but if he hadn’t created a separate account, you would see where he went on his bank statements-such as Tiffany’s or wherever he’d get the ring.

If he hadn’t been putting his paycheck into savings, you would have become suspicious as to why he was pulling X amount every month from his pay check.

I think either way you would have been suspicious or upset about where this money was going. I think he did it the only way he thought would be a surprise. He probably also wanted to make sure he had enough.

I don’t think he is a bad guy just becuase h never told you about it, but I do think he needs to be more honest about money.

Post # 118
Member
3657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

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@megz06:  this is all fantasy. Sorry, but I don’t think that’s what is happening here.

But I agree that it would be nice for hte OP if that’s the gig.

 

Post # 119
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My SO and I have a joint account, we also each have our own account but we’re totally open about money. I would be both upset and angry if I found out my SO had enough money to make ‘OUR’ goals a reality but was keeping it hidden.

From his reaction it sounds like he was hoping you wouldnt’ find the money, not because he wanted to surprise you but because it’s his little nest egg.  Personally, I would have a problem trusting him from now on. He lied to you about the money and as PP have said Money is the most argued about topic.

I wish you the best!!

Post # 120
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I can understand why he would want a personal savings to have as a safety net, BUT in this situation he was dishonest. Even if he had a larger amount saved up than you did, he should have been upfront about it, and told you that he would not be combining it in your joint account. His reaction is a huge red fleg to me, it sounds like he is trying to turn the situation around, and make you feel bad. His reaction indicates that he knows he is wrong, and he is acting very immaturely. I hope he comes to his senses and has  real discussion with you about why he kept the money from you. best of luck (hugs). 

Post # 121
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@GirlPower:  Personally, I think that unless you’re married you don’t have to share all your assets. So long as you are contributing equally, then I think that is fair. Does he make more money than you? Maybe he doesn’t want to pay for everything and is waiting for you to save an equal amount. However, regardless of what I think, you two did agree to have joint accounts. In that case, you should obviously know about all assets because they are joint.

The only way to know is to ask him. You can’t tell me you are ready to marry someone you can’t have an open conversation with – it comes with the territory.

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