(Closed) Found a bank statement that contradicts what my boyfriend has been telling me

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 122
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

You guys really need to communicate. The “I hope you’re happy now” remark was unneeded and to me is the biggest red flag. You need to find out if this guy really wants to marry you? the fact that the only thing stopping you two from getting married was money and that’s the main thing he lied about is huge! He knew he had this money why did he not want to take the next step with you? My fi had a good amount of savings as well that he was really proud of but he also could not wait to spend the rest of his life with me. So what did he do? He was honest and he bought me that ring. He didn’t act like a teenager and huff and puff about having to spend money on our future. You really need to figure out where you want to go from here because like others have said if you’re fighting about money now, just wait until you’re married. 

 

Post # 123
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@futuremrsk18:  +234564563125

Post # 124
Member
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

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@FauxPas2012:  Well, I said I could be wrong. And he could be doing something wrong with that money for all we know, but I don’t think so personally. I truly feel like he was either surprising her or keeping it for some other reason, but not to cheat, be a liar, or all these other bad reason others are coming up with.

I understand he was dishonest, and that is why they need to have a big conversation about finances, but I don’t think that means he is automatically a lying, cheating dog and she should get rid of him. She’s never had a reason not to trust him before.

If I were OP, I would just talk to him when they are both calmer becuase I highly doubt either approached the conversation with a level head.

Post # 125
Member
8035 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

I disagree that it’s “his” money and he shouldn’t have told her as some PP have said. He’s not being honest. My SO and I had the financial conversation early in our relationship. He even insisted on paying off the rest of my debt as it would be dumb for me to be paying interest since it would impact us as a couple. He had that couple mentality right from the start.

I’m not saying that you have to be 100% combined before marriage and that suddenly this is all your money… but this is something he should have brought up IMO. Especially since he led you to believe that you needed to save for the next two years. If you’re going to marry it will be both of your money. I just don’t think that it’s a healthy mentality to think “it’s MINE” if you’re about to make a lifelong commitment.

ETA: Just saw your update on the argument.. wtf… he sure acted immaturely about it. I do hope he was just caught by surprise and you can sort it out this morning. But geez…

Post # 126
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

If he’s been lying to you or withholding information, that’s a problem. I think since you accidentally found it, you should just talk to him about it. Honestly, you did nothing wrong. He’s the one being deceptive.

Post # 127
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee

@GirlPower:  I don’t think he has to spend his savings the way you want to spend it. However, I don’t think he should hide money or lie about it. My ex and I both had seperate accounts and I thought we were open about our finances. However, he had more accounts that he did not want to disclose. I didn’t demand access to everything but I did want honesty. He was very secretive about it and I ended our engagement over it. If you can’t ask him you don’t need to marry him.

Post # 128
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I agree with the others that have said that this isn’t really about the money, it’s about whether or not this guy wants to marry you. There is not a chance in hell I would have merged accounts with my Fiance before we were engaged with a wedding date. There is no reason to act lke a wife when he hasn’t even asked you to be his wife!

I don’t think he was planning to surprise you, either. If he was, he would have immediately said that was his plan and pinned the blame on you for ruining the surprise. That would have gotten him off the hook pretty easily. He didn’t do that and didn’t give any reason for hiding this money so I suspect the real reason is that he’s just not all in. Despite what he tells you, he may not be ready.

I suggest talking to him and really listening, even if you may not like what he has to say. Also, get your own accounts, stat.

Post # 129
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Hmmm I’m kind of torn on this one. Although it may be money he saved the fact that the two of you live together and have joint finances means you are a team and it’s just weird if he’s hiding it. Why would he hide it? My Fiance and I have lived together for a while and we are not youngsters (I am 39, he’s 49) but as soon as we moved in together “his” and “mine” became “ours”. I’m in undergrad schoool and my loan monies, both our pay checks, our income tax returns, everything goes into our joint account. There is no “That’s my money in the savings account” business because we are now a family raising our 3 kids (from previous relationships) who are at home with us. I do have another account because I sell Scentsy and Grace Adele so we don’t want to mix business funds and he also has an account because he owns a pizzaria but we both know about each others and don’t hide anything from each other.

However, if it’s money from an inheritance or something like that then I wouldn’t be upset with him for that because that is “his” (even thought it’s kind of weird that he never told you about it). I would definitely talk to him about it. Open up those communication lines so nothing is eating away at you. Good luck, dear!

Post # 130
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@GirlPower:  I just saw your post with an update. I hope everything turns out better today after he’s had time to think. *hugs*

Post # 131
Member
9538 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

why should that money that your Fiance has saved away be used for a house and wedding.

it sounds like you have a plan to save together.  maybe he is going to surprise you, but maybe he is keeping it for a rainy day or an emergency.  that could be his nest egg and he doesn’t want to spend it.

 

Post # 132
Member
6033 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

@GirlPower:  I think the problem is that it is a secret. Not that he has the money. He has a right to do what he wants with his money as long as he is holding up his end of your deal as far as saving goes. I know that I wouldn’t feel comfortable not having my own savings with my own money in it. You can’t be mad at him for not using his money on what you want. Maybe he is more comfortable with not taking the next step just yet, maybe he wants to see if you two can work together towards your goals, maybe he feels that you should be putting in your share to work towards the goals you have and therefore is just saving on his own because he can and saving for the mutual goals you have together with you. there isn’t really much here to be upset about. I would talk to him about it and ask him why he never told you he had another savings. But at this point, sorry, you guys aren’t married and he isnt’ doing anything wrong by having his own savings. regardless of  how much he has. his money, his business.

ETA: He for sure had a bad reaction over it and the communication needs to improve for sure. Just read the update.

Post # 133
Member
1889 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Wow… I’m really sorry he blew up at you like that.  How immature.  While I don’t necessarily think a couple should combine all their finances before they are married, I also think it’s REALLY bad for one partner in the relationship to not only agree to something and secretly not do it at all, but then to get mad at their loved one for finding out about their lie.  I mean, really?

I think you guys need to have another (hopefully calmer) talk about this where you let him know you truly found it by accident and you are just trying to figure out why he agreed to combining finances when he was not comfortable with it, and why he thought that hiding his money from you after agreeing to combine was the best course of action.  He could have just said “I’m going to keep my own bank account, in addition to the accounts that we share” in the first place and avoided this whole deception; I would be interested in knowing why he didn’t do this.

Post # 134
Member
854 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@FauxPas2012:  

 

“And as for the poster(s?) who said that they wouldn’t use THEIR savings to pay for a wedding… Well, that’s what you do if you don’t have the luxury of having parents to foot the bill! I don’t see why that is a legitimate defense for this guy. If marriage and a house are really what he wants, he shouldn’t have a problem using his nest egg on it.”

I was taken aback by that statement as well…


And I completely understood the poster. A wedding isn’t that important to her, if there’s going to be one, someone else pays for it. Or she pays for it out of current income stream. That’s my take on it anyway, and one that I agree with.

For me, money in the bank is sacred. Once it goes in, it doesn’t come out but for major life changing events or a house or a car. Parties don’t count.

 



I completely understand that, but that wasn’t the point of the OP (or follow up points) in the first place.  She did ask if they should use savings for a wedding or not.  Everyone’s few of “life changing event” is going to be different for everyone.

The fact that she (forgot which Bee it was) had to bring in the fact that parents paid for it tells me that it WAS important to her, or she would not have spent their money.  I would never spend someone’s money on something I don’t care about.  

Post # 135
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Hope you guys work everything out and things improve with you to.

Post # 136
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@megz06:  Have to admit that this was my immediate thought, too – that he was saving for a ring.  To me his reaction was because he was hurt she ruined the surprise (almost the same reaction he would have if she admitted she found the ring itself, hidden somewhere).

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