(Closed) Found an email I shouldn't have. What would you do?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 198
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Alright thanks for discounting every single thing I have said, even though you asked for our opinions. I fear these things as in my world men sleeping with escorts is a SHOCKER! It is scary to think of having children with someone like that, sorry but it is. But you are in denial and it is clear that all he does you have a great excuse for so good luck and I am sorry you are going through this. 

Post # 199
Member
4431 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I just wanted to Mention something in hopes it might hit a chord for you…

you say you’re in love with him still, do you realize you’re in love with who you THOUGHT he was, or who he was then? Not the person right in front of you now? 

Some people can’t be fixed, therapy can only do so much it’s kind of like a maintenance program… he has to put in a ton of effort for the rest of his life and your lives together… Are you able to handle that? Were talking 50+ years of hoping he doesn’t “relapse”…. 

dont stay because he’s what you have known, you don’t know him at all. 

 

Post # 200
Member
3424 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

BellaDee:  SO TRUE! Excellent Food for thought. 

Op I’m glad you’re getting some help in therapy. While it’s nice you both have sessions, I Really think your focus should be more on your self esteem. It may be the reason you’re putting up with this mess. You may think you love this guy enough to try to work this out but  I have a feeling it’s because you don’t love yourself enough to leave this toxic relationship. 

Post # 201
Member
2598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

anonymousandy:  Have you considered that your Fi”s actions aren’t the result of an addiction or stress but an active choice he made because it’s simply what he wanted to do and felt confident he wouldn’t be caught? 

Please consider this. You seem all to willing to place the blame on some extraneouos problem or force outside of his control or that drove him to visiting and having sex with hookers. 

There are plenty of men in happy relationships they have no desire to leave that still cheat on the side. Your Fiance sounds like one of them. Even if you are willing to forgive and tolerate the cheating, please think about what his duplicitous nature will mean to your future.  How can you trust anything he says? About cheating, about money, about anything? 

It serves him to be remorseful now that he’s been caught.  It’s easy enough to tell you what you want to hear.  It’s easy to have regrets now that his actions might cost him.  

I hope for your own sake you are being very honest with yourself. Your posts read to me like you were prepared to accept and forgive everything from the very start. If you are staying out of fear of starting over, insecurity, fear of the heartbreak of a break-up, an unwillingness to surrender your idea of who you thought your Fiance was – those are not good reasons to stay.  If he’s just not a good, honest guy – or even if he has a legit problem, glossing over it now won’t resolve anything.  These issues will come round again. The only worse tean breaking up now would be investing another year, ten or twenty and break-up then. 

Post # 202
Member
804 posts
Busy bee

anonymousandy:  It’s one thing to forgive a one-time indiscretion, but he’s cheated on you 6 times with prostitutes. He can’t even beg the ‘oh well, I was out and drunk and accidentally slept with a randomer’ excuse, he went out searching for prostiutes to cheat on you with, putting your health in danger in the process. Your partner should be the one person who does everything in their power to NOT hurt you…not casually treat you like shit like yours has. Eight years is a long time, but staying with him just for that reason is like throwing good money after bad. You sound like a caring and very understanding woman, you deserve much better than him.

Post # 204
Member
12114 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

anonymousandy:  Instead of being remorseful and feeling as if there’s work on his part to be done, with no guarantees,  he slams a door in anger at you when you blame yourself.  And you say you can’t find anything in the way he is handling himself to criticize, even though you are looking for it?!

 

 

Post # 205
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

anonymousandy:  Thanks for getting so raw & messy by sharing your update with us. I imagine it wasn’t easy. Are you in individual therapy right now? I think that more than anything is what you need. Actually, based on what you’ve posted and what I know of my own experiences, you’d probably benefit most from going to group therapy alone (coupled with individual therapy). Since understandably you don’t feel comfortable sharing the details of this with your friends, you need a support system all your own to help ground you, keep you in check, and that you can vent to. I think that in spite of the reaction you are getting on here (all honest and reasonable reactions, mind you), the personal issues that you are confronting are quite common. The difference is that in your instance, the “crime” is so extreme that it’s much easier for us to pinpoint where your self-esteem issues are clouding your judgment. It seems that you have gotten very good at taking care of other people emotionally, to the point where you find it difficult to care for yourself, or sometimes even feel what your own reactions. I struggle with this (in a completely different context, but still).

The thing that you will ultimately come to, with the right therapeutic support, is that it doesn’t matter what your husband’s reason. It doesn’t MATTER whether this was an addiction or a willful act or something he’ll do again or something he’s sworn off, because he made you unsafe. He threatened the life that you built together, and he threatened your health. You are entitled, OBLIGATED to get PISSED OFF at him because of that. There’s nothing indulgent about that, there’s nothing to feel guilty about. Getting angry is our way of keeping ourselves safe from unsafe situations. It seems like your ability to feel anger where it’s warranted is broken, and that probably has very deep roots (as it does for me) that you will only discover in therapy. It will be hard, uncomfortable work, but if you can commit yourself to therapy & to your own growth and care, then you will get there.

Kudos to you for doing the uncomfortable work, even if that doesn’t look like leaving your husband for now. I believe that once you start to get at the root of your feelings, you will find that it is not love alone that keeps you with him, but fear, the desire to take care of him, nostalgia for what you had together, guilt, shame, self-loathing, and more. And that complicated cocktail is no foundation for a lasting, healthy bond. Good luck to you, and please be kind to yourself. You deserve to be feeling whatever you are feeling right now, and more. You’re entitled to it, as a human being.

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