(Closed) Found an email I shouldn't have. What would you do?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

while you may be ok with sharing him under certain terms and conditions doesn’t make this right at all.  there were no set boundaries nor did this “open” or swinging relationship ever really start, because if it did you would both be aware.  

i don’t know when you discussed the openness of your marriage, but it wouldnt make a difference to me   The fact is he disrespected you, hid things from you, and put your health in danger.  

I wouldn’t take this lightly at all. this is cheating no matter what you discussed. 

 

on iPhone. Sorry for any errors!

Post # 20
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

View original reply
@ittybittykittycommittee:  Well, if he deleted them in the last thirty days, they could still be in there.

Which could have meant they were still saved way back in the wayback and that he was reminded that it was a dumb idea to have that in his email especially while using his fiancee’s computer, and deleted them, and… it backfired, obviously.

Post # 21
Member
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Santa Barbara Courthouse

Honestly, my opinion is that you should only feel guilty for snooping if you don’t find anything… 

But you did. So confront him and tell him you read the email. He has a lot more explaining to do than you do.

Post # 22
Member
3075 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

View original reply
@BellaDee:  agreed <p> I wouldn’t be worried about how he felt that you stumbled into an email like that when it’s something he shouldn’t be doing ( behind your back),

Post # 23
Member
1097 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

snooping or not is a separate issue. He’s doing some shady shit that he should not be doing. Don’t let your guilt over “snooping” stop you from confronting him. You can tackle that later. What he’s got going on is so much bigger.

FWIW, I wouldn’t care if Fiance looked at my email. And he feels the same. If you have nothing to hide, you shouldn’t care. 

Post # 24
Member
13613 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I think he kept the email for the address, deleted because he was on your computer, and didn’t “empty the trash” because he didn’t think you would go in there.  The update of contact with even more women makes things even worse. I’d be so out of there. 

Just because someone acts nice to you sometimes or even most of the time doesn’t make them a good guy. 

Post # 25
Bee
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

You definitely have a right to confront him. Even if he stupidly thought there was “precendent” set for him seeing an escort based on previous conversations about having sex with another woman (it seems to me there clearly wasn’t, but, eh), this issue affects your health and wellbeing and you need to talk about it. If you don’t consider it cheating, that’s your business, but you need to establish rules and boundaries and whether or not this clearly falls inside or out of them. 

Post # 26
Member
6354 posts
Bee Keeper

Well I would be like a snorting, raging bull if I was in your situation, so I guess I don’t have much reasonable advice… other than don’t get confused by feeling guilty, this is not about what you’ve done wrong.

Post # 28
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

The problem is though if you’re just wishing he told you … What if you did finally discuss everything more seriously about boundaries, you really think he would be open ? It doesn’t sound like what he is doing is anything remotely the same as what you discussed. youll be ok with him  continuing this? Seems pretty one sided.  You said you have self esteem issues, hopefully you’re not ok with these acts for the wrong reasons. 

Post # 29
Member
6738 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think you need to get over your fear of talking to him. Communication is key in a relationship. You’re not just going to forget about this or get over it without talking to him about it. If he wants to be mad about you “snooping,” then he can be mad about it all he wants, but you need to drive the conversation back to the main subject – his actions. Just keep telling him that you’re sorry, you didn’t really mean to snoop, you came across it by accident and that you will discuss that at a later time, but not to change the subject – he will probably try to in order to get the heat off of him.

I would approach him nicely, without any accusations or an accusatory tone, when you’re both in a good mood. Just say, hey – I want to talk to you about something and I don’t want it to turn into a fight. I’m not mad or upset, I’m just confused and want some understanding from you. I need you to explain/clarify something for me.

He shouldn’t get defensive/lash out at you if you’re just talking about it – no raised voices, no accusations, etc.

I will say though – I would never be ok with my man experiencing someone else, that’s what the time in his life before me was all about. There should be no greater experience than sex with the person who gets you and loves you. I think using an escort service makes things even weirder/creepier/shadier. I don’t think I could stay with a man like that. But if that’s something that you’re ok with, just upset that he didn’t tell you about it, then there’s no real reason to be upset, right? Just tell him tha the needs to share that information with you from now on and that you’d rather know than not know and you’re perfectly ok with him doing it, as long as you know. He probably doesn’t think you are.

Post # 30
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
@anonymousandy:  I think your idea to explain to him what happened is reasonable. My SO and I share computers all the time and check our emails/facebooks on each others computers, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat down and thought I was checking my email or facebook and realized a few minutes into it that I was in his. I’ve even done the same thing and accidentally deleted things and had to tell him, and he was fine with it.

I would explain to him everything you said to us like the other bees said, and that you wish he would have been honest and talked to you about it instead of being sneaky and paying for sex.

Post # 31
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

You not confronting him because you feel at fault is jut crazy. If you’re story is like you say, which I will assume is the case, you don’t have anything to be ashamed of. Deleting sports newsletters? Nothing to be ashamed of. Realizing it was for him? Nothing to be ashamed of! Going into the trash to undo this? Nothing to be ashamed of. Seeing escort mail in your FI’s mail account and NOT opening it? Stupid like hell! So yeah. I wouldn’t think twice about confronting him (even if I had been snooping but even less so because this really wasn’t your fault anyway). 

After everything you’ve said about your relationship, it sounds to me as if he damn well knew that THIS was not cool and you would not agree to him doing things like that behind your back. 

I’d be furious!!!

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