(Closed) I've found my biological siblings

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I don’t think there’s any easy answer here but I commend you for your thoughtful approach. You sound like a caring and compassionate person whom your biological dad and siblings would be lucky to know someday if you are ever able to establish contact with them. However, it does sound like a tricky and delicate situation. Have you thought about trying to message your dad’s primary account rather than a secondary one so you could be more sure that he got it? Have you asked your mom for advice? She might know if his first wife and sons know about the affair.

Post # 3
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

I hope you don’t mind, but I’ll address each situation. I hope it helps.

Concerning your biological father, you’ll need to look at it realistically. If this is the first time he is hearing about you, then his reaction may not be the best. He may not wish to have any contact with you, or he may lash out at you, thinking you are a mistake. I’m sorry if I sound really cruel, I really don’t want to be, but it’s certainly possibility. Along with that, you may have no contact with your half-sister. You may need to accept that fact, painful as it may be.

Concerning your half-brothers, if Tom had no knowledge of you, it is not a far fetched idea that his first wife will have no knowledge of you too. I would reach out to her, since you have intentions of having a platonic relationship with her sons, to see if they or she are aware of anything. It would be a sign of respect to her, and prepare her and her sons for any emotional situations. If they are in their late teens and in high school, it will be more of a troubling thing for them, having their world rocked so.

I would play it by ear and see where the individuals stand before proceeding.

I am so very sorry for the situation you are in. I sincerely hope for the very best. You are a wonderful person with a big heart and a compassionate personality. I hope you know that. 🙂

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by  riverose.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by  riverose.
Post # 6
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

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woahdude896:  Thank you so much for your reply. I truly do appreciate it. I am sorry if I was harsh before. My intent is only to help.

Another good reason to contact their mother is to gauge the boy’s personalities. It may help, even a little when reaching out to them eventually.

I truly wish you all the best. If Tom is ever mean to you, its his loss because he lost out on a wonderful relationship with a wonderful person. 🙂

Post # 8
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

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woahdude896:  You’re absolutely welcome. :)! You’re amazing.

Post # 9
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

View original reply
woahdude896:  I am impressed with how thoughtful you are being with all aspects of this decision. It sounds like you are really thinking through how it could affect you and everyone involved and trying to do the right thing. I do think that your need to get to know this part of your family is important. It reminds me of some people who have been adopted who feel a strong desire to connect with their birth parents. Basically any step you take to reach out to any of them is a risk and you can’t really be sure how they might react, although it does sound like it would be quite a shock if they don’t know about you. It might help to be really clear on what you’re hoping to get out of it, try to figure out if that’s realistic, and think about whether the possible benefit is greater than the risk of negative consequences. Do you feel prepared to cope with a negative response if that’s what happens? One good thing is that there doesn’t seem to be any rush so you can take your time until you feel more confident of what to do. I think you’re right that it could take Tom awhile to respond, if he does, because its a lot for him to process. Have you thought about going to counseling yourself? It might be nice to have a space to talk through all this with a neutral supportive person. I wish you the best and hope that you will be at peace with the way this unfolds.

Post # 10
Member
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Hi Bee.

My very best friend in the whole world comes from a very similar background. Suffice to say that she’s got half brothers and sisters that are older and younger than her whose mom is her father’s wife (still). Her mother is also a lovely person.

I don’t think you should contact your father’s wife first. Or your siblings. That intro would (ideally) come from your dad. If for whatever reason he reacts badly to the news then you can gauge whether or not they’re old enough to know the truth or not. Definitely contact him in his primary Facebook account and (against the grain here) tell him the truth. Yes I know it’s impersonal but you also want a response. Also, that way, he’ll have ample time to think about how he wants to handle things with his wife and other children before he actually gets back to you.

Hugs Bee.

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