Found My Xmas Gift: Boyfriend Buys Me What He Likes, Not What I Want.

posted 10 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Have you had a clear conversation about this and told him it bothers you? I would start there.

Post # 3
Member
372 posts
Helper bee

I guess this an example of first world problems. I’d love to have your terrible issue!

Having said that, I do understand your concern, so I’m joking… sort of. I think you should be grateful for the gift and say thank you. I wouldn’t discuss your concerns the moment you receive the gift but maybe at a another time later and just talk with your partner about your concern that you feel he is not listening to you. You should have other examples to draw from as well, not just the Hermes bag issue. It should be a big picture discussion. Tbh, if you feel he doesn’t listen to you, does not take your opinions seriously or values his own over yours, getting the expensive bag you don’t want, over the one you do, is the least of your problems. 

Post # 4
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee

 Sounds like your boyfriend is the kind of guy in which your have to spell it out and make your point exceedingly clear.

My husband is loving and kind, but doesn’t take well to gentle suggestions- I have to be very direct, othewise I’d end up with an expensive purse that I’d never use because HE likes it. I had to flat out tell him, ‘ do you want me to have something I’ll like? and that I’ll use?’ (because, seriously, after all…. isn’t that the point of a gift?)…. and when he agreed to that, I’d tell him what I want (specifically). 

I totally understand that there is not a whole lot of ‘surprise’ elements with gift-giving with a guy like this… but being direct is far better in the long run. Clearly, do appreciate that he wanted you to have a new purse, and he wanted to purchase something expensive/ of good quality, so his heart’s in the right place. 🙂

 

Post # 5
Member
8832 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

motherofkittenz :  “How would you approach this?” — I’d get a new boyfriend. Seriously. Every man I’ve known who told his partner what to wear (or manipulated them into wearing what he wanted, by insulting their taste etc) has been a controlling douchebag. It’s one thing if you don’t have your own style or you like his style and appreciate his input. There’s nothing wrong with that. But if you know what you like yet he insists that his ideas on how you should clothe your own body are better, eff that. 

If he’s not controlling in other areas, you could try The Script. It’s a fill-in-the-blank formula that can be helpful in many situations. Here’s an example of what you might say to him about this:

  • When you    insult my taste in clothes   
  • I feel    hurt that you don’t accept me the way I am   .
  • [Pause here to give him the chance to respond. If he does, do not respond to his response. Listen carefully and let him finish, then immediately move on to the next step.]
  • I would like to you    remember that taste is subjective, and keep your negative opinions to yourself unless something is dirty, torn, or something like that.   
  • Is that something you can agree to?

Or if you want to focus on the gift-giving part, this might be more appropriate:

  • When you    give me gifts that you like, rather than things you know I would enjoy   
  • I feel    like you’re trying to mold me into something that I’m not, but that you would like better   .
  • [Pause here to give him the chance to respond. If he does, do not respond to his response. Listen carefully and let him finish, then immediately move on to the next step.]
  • I would like to you    either take my personality — the real me — into consideration when buying presents, or just skip the present entirely.   
  • Is that something you can agree to?

His responses might be enlightening. If he says he can agree but then slips up, just remind him “You agreed not to do that. Has that changed?” If he still does it after a couple reminders, then you need to admit to yourself that despite what he says, he is not willing to stop doing something that he knows hurts you.

Post # 6
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

That’s really weird. I think you need to address this with him directly – maybe not right when he gives you the gift, but later on in a calm moment. Just say something like, “I’m grateful you are so generous with your gifts, but I feel confused and even a bit hurt when you buy me something I specifically told you I didn’t want. I want to be clear that this is not about the dollar amount spent; you are so generous and I love that about you! But when you choose a gift for me that I’ve previously told you I wouldn’t like, it feels like you are disregarding my opinion, like you think you know better than me what I would like. And it feels particularly wasteful given how expensive the gift was! Can you help me understand why you chose a Hermes bag for me even though I’ve told you several times that Hermes is not my style?” 

Assuming all else is good in your relationship, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt here that he’s just being dense. If after you lay it out for him in no uncertain words and he continues pulling this shit, that would be a definite red flag.

Post # 7
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

Definitely start to learn how to say you dislike something. Do you want to live the rest of your life as someone’s barbie? Talk to him, thank him, and use its investment value as reason to never wear it out. But learn to be clear and say, “Nope, I really don’t like that.”

Post # 8
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

Only on this website does someone make a post complaining about their boyfriend buying them a several thousand dollar purse

Post # 10
Member
5560 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

daisyqueen :  I honestly don’t see what ‘this website’ has anything to do with it.  Is it really a gift if it is something the receiver has expressed she wouldn’t want or doesn’t like? 

It doesn’t matter what it cost. 

There was a post a few days ago about surprising your SO with a car which most bees were against, now it is suddenly okay because women should enjoy designer purses or something? 

Post # 11
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

First world problems ….

Post # 12
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee

Just did a quick google search to see how much a Hermès bag costs (I know it’s a luxury brand) and holy fuck…I’d be really annoyed if someone spent that kind of money on something I told them explicitly that I did not want…also, if he’s got THAT kinda money, I’d be concerned about him being financially controlling, especially since he’s expressing controlling characteristics such as insulting your style and disregarding your material wants while insisting that “he knows best when it comes to fashion”.

 

Post # 13
Member
390 posts
Helper bee

I would think telling him how owning a Hermes bag would only remind you of your past abusive relationship would be enough for him to know NOT to buy you something from there! undecided

Post # 14
Member
6155 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I would receive the bag and exchange it for what I wanted. And let him know why you did it and the negative associations Hermes has for you (if he doesnt already have that info). Depending on how direct your communication is, I’d also make the request that he listen to you in the future. I’d also look at your communication style to see if there’s a way that you might not have been as clear as you thought you were- did you hint in what you thought was a clear way but left room for him to do his thing? “I do not like that at all and would prefer something else.” doesn’t really leave room for any other interpretations.

My husband has very different taste than I do and there have been several occasions where he sees something he likes for me and I say “Hmmmm. That’s cool that you think that. I don’t like it at all. I would prefer this.” and then give a concrete alternative.

Also- I don’t think you sound bitchy or bratty at all and I’m not sure why people are talking shit. It doesn’t matter how much money something costs- there’s never a financial point where you have to just shut up and take it- especially if said thing is a straight up No for you and you have already expressed that.

Post # 15
Member
969 posts
Busy bee

Sure it sucks that he seems to ignore your thoughts but a gift is a gift. You say thank you and move along. Either keep it, return it or donate it.

since when is it ok to dictate how other people should use their money

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