Found My Xmas Gift: Boyfriend Buys Me What He Likes, Not What I Want.

posted 11 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
286 posts
Helper bee

If it’s a Birkin, Kelly, or Constance you can make several thousand reselling it if you don’t want it. 

Your bf sounds like a bit of a lost cause though. 

Post # 32
8873 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

penny1403 :  “a gift is a gift. You say thank you and move along” — From a boss, sister-in-law, even parents I guess, I agree. But her long-term live-in partner? No. A “gift” that he knows she won’t like, that follows a pattern of him saying “I know better than you,” AND that reminds her of an abusive previous relationship? She should not say thank you and move along from that. You sadly have extremely low standards and accept too much bullshit from men. I understand that misery loves company but rather than advise other women to also put up with bullshit and be grateful for the scraps they’re given, you should consider raising your standards and rejecting insults and disrespect disguised as a gift.  

Post # 33
1206 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

rez123 :  Seriously, buncha nonsense posts.

Really lookin good, dudes, as the MOST OF US are first-world problems.

Post # 34
4533 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

OP, it doesn’t really sound like this is about the gift at all. Most of us have received gifts that we don’t love and are not our tastes but we wouldn’t feel this upset or anxious about it because we realise it was just a gift and no malice was behind it being given to us and It was simply a case of it being a mistake on not getting our taste. This does bother you because your partner treats you like your aesthetic is wrong and essentially that you are wrong or dismisses you thoughts and feelings. This bag isn’t just a bag it houses a whole lot of relationship baggage! (pun intended)

OP, you need to assess whether his ignoring of your wishes and his dismissal of you is being deliberately done or if he’s just doing it without thought. Some people have opinions and can effectively behave like a steamroller without realising what they are doing. Some people are steamrollers and know this and don’t really care about feelings of others as long as they get their way. You need to work out which group he fits in and then assess whether you’ve also communicated your feelings effectively on this matter and whether he heard you and chose to ignore you or just didn’t hear you.

Either way you need to sit down and communicate properly with him. What you do from here really is determined by what is said In this conversation. If he is genuinely being a controlling jerk then I’d walk and take the hermes bag with you and sell it and go on a cheap holiday alone and somewhere sunny…. 

Post # 35
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Well this is exactly how my Darling Husband shopped for me, not because he doesn’t care or doesn’t listen. But just because he is a terrible shopper and a man generally lol. I usually ask specific item for large purchase and let him choose for small items =))) 

Post # 36
769 posts
Busy bee

OP, I definitely have to side with you on this one – and PARTICULARLY because it is such an expensive “luxury” item. It is thoughtless and also irresponsible to be throwing money around on stuff like that that the person doesn’t even want. If it transpires it is something you told him you didn’t want i would definitely take him aside this time and address it.

My SO is a gift-giver.

After we got together I KNOW I mentioned quite a few times how expensive bags / labels / brands etc were 100% not my thing and that I dislike them and have never wanted or owned one. Ikon wit came up in conversation. I hoped that he “got that” about me.

My first birthday together comes around and he felt bad cos my gift hadn’t been delivered yet to give it to me. I was jokingly trying to guess what it was and landed on “handbag” because my £40 one was starting to look a bit scruffy.. He ended us telling me that yes it was an expensive Michael Kors bag – which to be honest is like my worst nightmare.. (over-dramatic I know)

I felt terrible – but after a few hours I had to say to him I didn’t want it. Not gonna lie I was a bit disappointed and frustrated that he had misread me like that / just assumed I’d want what is popular – particularly something so expensive. I didn’t want a repeat do nipped it in the bud.

I totally get that it is more than just the item / luxury item itself.. It’s listening to you, reading you, knowing you, rather than expensive and over the top gifting just for the sake of it.

You issue with you SO seems to go deeper than this.. Is he just being thoughtless or is he blantantly disregarding your wishes and not caring. Like cmsgirl : said you need to figure out which it is and address it otherwise it will continue.


Post # 37
2803 posts
Sugar bee

OP, I can sympathize with you.  My exH would buy me gifts that made him look really good to other people and completely disregarded my feelings.




Post # 38
5005 posts
Bee Keeper

sharpshooter :  This. OP this right here. I couldn’t put my finger on it but your post about the bag bothered me for some reason. He got ot to make himself look good! 

OP, I thought why would someone who is going to spend five grand on a bag not get what the recipient wants especially his beloved??? He could have gotten any other number of luxury brands, Chloe, Chanel. But he chose the one that reminds you of your ex abuser. Unless he had a very major brain fart I’d be super upset as well. And it doesn’t matter that its a luxury brand. It could have been wal mart brand and you hate it for xyz reason. Same advice. 

I do hate the first world problem argument that comes up as most of us have our basic needs cared for and therefore we cannot be upset at anything? That is false.

The reason OP is upset isn’t that he got her the wrong color bag or some crap like that it’s deeper and it should be explored further in the relationship. If he’s trying to dress you up like am accessory that is  a HUGE problem. Or if he’s using money as a means to control you, also a HUGE problem.  I would pay close attention OP and make sure you don’t get stuck in a potentially scary situation. 

  • This reply was modified 10 months, 4 weeks ago by  sweatergal007.
  • This reply was modified 10 months, 4 weeks ago by  sweatergal007.
Post # 39
2892 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

awholenewbee2019 :  You are both clearly missing the point, she’s not mad that he bought her an expensive bag. She’s mad that she’s told her boyfriend she DOESNT LIKE Hermes bags, and it brings up bad feelings regarding an ex. 

Sounds like there are a lot of jealous bees commenting on this post, “it’s his money” “first world problems”. GTFO. There are clearly more issues here, but you’re all failing to see it.

OP- I would be hurt if I expressed my feelings to my SO and he blantaly disregarded them. Have a talk with him.

Post # 40
2240 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

motherofkittenz :  I see this as a bigger problem than the bag. And I think you do too. 

The fact that you’ve expressed yourself on this issue, and he’s ignored you is problematic. It doesn’t matter if the object of that preference is a $20 trinket or a $2000 bag; he’s ignoring your wishes because, as you say “he knows best”

Is he pushy and controlling in other ways? Does he disregard your preferences on a systemic level? Does he override or criticize your decisions often? If so, this isn’t about a bag – except the one you should pack to leave him with.

You mention being in a abusive relationship previously. Did you recieve any support or mental health services in the aftermath? It’s very often the case that when we leave an abuser, we repeat some of those patterns when choosing our next partner. If the next partner isn’t as bad as the previous one, we can be blind to all the ways their behavior is problematic or abusive as well. 

I think it might be worth asking yourself if his actions are a symptom of a wider pattern of disrespect or attempting to control you. It also rings true that he might be using the bag as a way to mark his territory and signal your role as a status object; to flaunt his generosity, which can be cited as proof he’s a “good” boyfriend, even if he’s occasionally mean or dismissive.

If the pattern is isolated to this issue, then I would simply return the bag and get something you like. Then, create a pinterst page of gifts you WOULD like to receive, and let him know he can look there for inspiration next time.  

Post # 41
971 posts
Busy bee

Daisy_Mae :  actually you are wrong. It does not matter who gifts you something. You are always supposed to accept it graciously. You can then choose to keep it, return it or donate it. Basically whatever you want. However it is never proper to dictate how someone else should spend their money. This includes significant others. 

You can google etiquette if you need clarification 

Post # 42
395 posts
Helper bee


penny1403 :  So if your SO buys you something that you hate, you’ve specifically told him you hate, and reminds you of your past abusive relationship, you’re just supposed to accept it and move on? 

Post # 43
2892 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

penny1403 :  I think you’re missing the point here.

Post # 44
971 posts
Busy bee

Technically yes, but one may want to revisit the relationship. 

I have received many bad gifts and been in a few really abusive relationships. It is impossible to avoid every memory, and frankly one might need therapy if a handbag triggers a bad memory. I can’t leave my neighborhood without driving by the location that my sons father attempted to kill me. I have to leave the house.  I don’t dwell on it. 

kittykax :  

Post # 45
3725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

penny1403 :  No one will ever be able to avoid things in life that bring up painful memories but I definitely dont think it’s too much to ask for your boyfriend to not spend a shit ton of money on an object he knows specifically will bring up bad memories. That’s the entire point of her complaint. Pretty sure he has the poor gifting ettiquette here, not her.

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