Post # 377
@ellebeerob: I know that you and some of the other bees who are giving me advice have been in my shoes, but not everyone who is saying to just give up and leave have. I do appreciate all of the different opinions and advice, but I’m not ready to walk away without giving him a chance to prove his willingness to change.
Thank you for your input. I do believe that we can rebound from this if he does in fact change his behavior. it’s going to take time, but I believe that I can forgive him, but forgetting I’m not so sure. Keeping track of him like an FBI agent, is not something I plan on doing forever. If at any point I feel like I’m going to need to keep track of him for the rest of our lives, then yeah, I agree I can’t stay with him. I’ve been thinking as well that we need to post pone the wedding, it’s something I want to discuss with him when he gets home.
If he does something wrong and I know because of the gps tracker, I’ll just simply tell him that I put it on his phone. And I’ll leave. It’s a big deal for him admit he everything he’s done and take all the blame without trying to say I was somewhat at fault or try to bring up something I’ve done to upset him in the past. So I beleve he is genuinely trying. I know him like no one else on this board knows him and I believe him.
Post # 378
Assuming that most people on this thread are not speaking from experience is foolish. A lot of us that are following this thread have been there and feel connected to this thread because we have been there and hate to read posts like this where we know that the poster is to deep in the situation to see clearly for themselves. You should never have to follow someone’s every move. It is unhealthy, you are going to be creating some major anxiety for yourself. I know because I did that for years. It took me years to recover from it and to be able to trust someone again. Please try to listen and see what posters are saying. Believing that people are giving you advice blindly is a big mistake.
Post # 379
@BewilderedBee: Sorry one more thing. “5. Don’t take advice from people that have never experienced infidelity or ones that immediately say “cut and run…”. They are not in your shoes and do not know your history and/or investment with your relationship.”
What is that forum called “Who Wants to Get Cheated on AGAIN?”?? Are steps 1 and 2 Denial and A Really Big Pair of Blinders and Earplugs? Relationships are work, yes, but they are not supposed to be this complicated. They don’t involve out of state sexytime and GPS monitoring and lies upon lies. I am astounded that yours does and you’re okay with it.
Post # 380
You’ve made your decision, and I wish you good luck. I do hope you will put some thought into postponing your wedding and putting plans on hold so you can focus on repairing your relationship.
Post # 381
@BewilderedBee: After all the lies, who’s to say this story is the whole truth? He probably just came up with a more believable lie and is telling you what you want to hear since you’ve made it clear you don’t actually want to leave. Enjoy your denial.
Post # 382
When a man brings in “others” emotionally or physically; the bond of your relationship is broken. Unless of course you have an open marriage.
I guess the rest of us on here are using our intuition to guide you. But without your intuition I’m afraid you’ll have to learn the hard way.
Post # 383
@BewilderedBee: I understand not wanting to take advice from those who have not experienced it. However, many of the bees on this thread that are giving you advice have experienced it. If this is truly the very first time you have ever had any reason to doubt him and he has come clean and agreed to counseling then maybe you should give him one last chance. But please make sure it is his final chance because I have been through this. I had an incident with my ex-husband before we got married and I chose to trust him. We married and for 7 years he lied and cheated on me. I do not want that to happen to you.
My advice is if you are going ahead with the second chance, go to counseling, but DO NOT marry him right now. Post-pone the wedding. Make sure that this relationship is going to work first. Let him know that until you can trust him again you are not going through with the wedding. The day you marry him should be the day you no longer feel the need to track his every move. You should feel safe and trusting the day you say I Do.
Post # 384
@BewilderedBee: “I check the mobile monitor on his phone a few times a day. He still doesn’t know about it. So far there’s been nothing suspicious since the texts with the FB girl that morning. The GPS shows he’s only been at his work sites and nowhere suspicious.“
Welcome to your new life. I hope you know it doesn’t have to be this way… there are really great men out there.
Post # 385
@BewilderedBee: I’ve been lurking for a bit. One thing I really don’t like about online forums in general is everyone seems to think everything is black and white and everyone that disagrees is doomed to a lifetime of misery. Only you know what is right for you. Good, honest people sometimes make really big mistakes. Does your Fiance deserve your immediate forgiveness? Hell no. He acted like a self-centered, irresponsible, inconsiderate jerk. That doesn’t mean he’s Hitler reincarnated. It means he made some HORRIBLE choices. I think you’ve made it damn clear he is going to have to earn his keep and your trust back, as he should. Maybe 6 months from now you will think he’s the biggest jerk in the world and kick his ass to the curb. Maybe 30 years from now he’ll be the world’s best husband and you’ll be counting your lucky stars that you stayed. No one knows. At the heart of it, I think (hope?) everyone wishes you the best, no matter what happens. I know I do. Good luck.
Post # 386
“He said he doesn’t want to be with anyone else, he loves me more than he ever thought he could love anyone and never thought he’d find the person he was meant to spend the rest of his life with.”
Oh yeah? Prove it, buddy. Actions speak louder than words. He needs to show you, and be the person he describes.
“He was in tears, telling me he’ll do whatever I want him to do, that he needs to make himself better for me if I’ll let him. He offered to leave if that’s what I wanted, but if I want to work through this, he’s ready to change his behavior.”“
This sounds sweet but is an attempt at veiling the true responsibility being with him. His statement through tears is unfairly putting the onus on you, that you are the one to tell him what you want, that you need to first give him permission to be a better person. No, no, no. He needs to give himself permission to be a better person no matter what, making himself better because he wants to be honorable in and of himself in the first place.
Post # 387
@BewilderedBee: I have very much been in your shoes. I also know nothing any of us say is going to change your mind. I just want to drop in to say, I hope he really is ready to change, and I hope everything works out beautifully for the two of you. I only ask that you be VERY very careful with where you go from here. After the second chance you can’t let him get away with even the smallest thing! I completely agree with a previous poster… I very much hope you have postponed your wedding at the very least. To continue as you are would be very foolish.
Good luck to you
Post # 388
@BewilderedBee: GPS tracker, huh?
He knows you’re suspicious of his behavior now. He knows you’ll stay with him. He’ll become more skilled at cheating, so he can have you and still do whatever he wants.
When a man shows you who he really is – believe him.
Post # 389
@BewilderedBee: A man can truly love you at the same time that he lies to you and cheats on you emotionally and physically. He can love you but his need to satisfy his own urges, ego, whatever the reason, will always be greater than doing what is best for you, i.e. not cheat at all
I was cheated on pretty horribly. He was not remorseful, in fact he denied it at first until I showed him evidence. I know how it feels to be in complete shock that he can do this to you and want so much for him to prove himself, to make the relationship work, rather than let go and completely face the hurt. After some very lame attempts to make things work, I had to let it go. It took me a VERY long time to get over it, over a year at least, with depression, sleeping problems, the whole gamut. But at least he’s not in my life anymore and I’m here!
I think that at least once in our lives, we’ve all ignored the obvious and kept on pushing until satisfied that it can’t ever work. Sometimes the only way to learn is to make the mistake. You don’t have to listen to anyone on here, but I wish you the best of luck and that if this does end up being a mistake for you, that you will end up in a better place at the end.
Post # 390
I think if you want him to be honest with you… you need to be honest with him. He should know about the gps tracker thing. I feel that is a really horrible way to make a fresh start.
Post # 391
As I mentioned earlier, I have been in this situation with my ex husband. And some of the excuses/reasons he gave me where almost line for line what your fiance is telling you. He also had a “friend” that he talked to about her problems, yadda yadda yadda. After it was said and done, we went to counseling. For a year and a half. Yet things never stopped with the infidelity. He was a musician, so he’d claim “they are fans of the band, I’m being polite talking to them.” To hell with that! He is out of my life (we were married for 16 years, so we had a SHIT TON of history) and I am so much happier.
Good luck to you. I hope for your sake it really does end up working out. But honestly, infidelity is very difficult to overcome. Especially when the trust is gone. I never got the trust back. And as a PP said, I shouldn’t have to feel like 007. Which is what happened to me. I was constantly a detective, just waiting for him to f*ck up again. I didn’t like the person I became (untrusting, etc.).