(Closed) Found naked pics of so on his phone :(

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 392
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@BewilderedBee:  Good luck girl! I really really hope he doesn’t stuff it up again! 

As someone who has cheated I believe people can change. I called off my own cheating myself without getting caught by my ex when I realised I was screwing up and risking losing the person I was in love with. In the end he cheated on me so karma is a bitch but point is people can change. I really hope you guy just needed a wakeup call!

Post # 394
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Le sigh. Please dear god at LEAST get yourself some therapy. If you decide to take ONE piece of advice from this thread, please let that be the one.

Also, for the record? You are not giving him a second chance. You are giving him a tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirtieth chance. If you’re going to give him another chance, at least be honest with yourself that this is not the first time you’ve let him off the hook.

When he was messaging the girl innappropriately on Facebook and you confronted him about it and he told you he’d stop and then he went back to messaging her? CHANCE. 

The second, third, fourth times that you said his relationship with this girl bothered you and he promised you he wouldn’t talk to her anymore and then proceeded to break his promise? THESE WERE ALL CHANCES THAT YOU GAVE HIM.

When you confronted him about her AGAIN and then he proceeded to IMMEDIATELY message her belittling comments about you? OH HEY, THERE’S ANOTHER CHANCE. In fact there are two betrayals here: him talking to her after he said he’d stop and him badmouthing you to her. TWO CHANCES.

When you tried to look at his phone while he was driving and he snatched it away from you without letting you look at what was inside? CHANCE.

When he took pictures of his penis and you confronted him about it and he lied to you that he was sending them to you? CHANCE. 

When he sent YOUR picture to sketchy Brian without your permission, trying to engage him sexually? CHANCE except it’s SO MIND-BLOWINGLY HORRIFYING that he did this, I’m tempted to count this as you giving him five chances but since according to this list we’re already on the SEVENTH chance that you’ve given him, what does it really matter?

Him lying about the threesome nonsense? CHANCE-ITY CHANCE CHANCE CHANCE.

Etc. etc. etc.!!! Honey, this is just the tip of the iceburg! All you’ve done since you started this thread (and I’m sure, well before you started this thread!) is give this asshole chances! You’re a freaking chance machine! You are like the chance-a-palooza! Take a chance on YOURSELF for once and sign yourself up for therapy to try and find out why you don’t feel like you’re worthy of honesty, respect, and love. THAT is a chance worth taking.

Post # 396
3292 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@ellebeerob:  +1

I’ve been there, too.

Post # 397
3879 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@pookiesmom:  pefectly said

OP,if this was your best friend going through this, what would you tell her? Again, we all do wish you the best of luck. It’s a terrible situation to have to go through, and I hope you come out on top. You seem like a really great catch, and I hope you end up with someone (him or whoever) that is worthy of you.

Post # 398
104 posts
Blushing bee

pookiesmom +10000 x 10000

I know it can be hard to walk away from someone when you have so much invested in them. You desperately want to believe them and believe IN them, and sometimes it’s worth the gamble. More often than not, it isn’t. What someone does “in secret” as your SO did messaging with FB girl and sending those images to two other people illustrates his true intentions as to what he wanted. He just happened to get caught. He may love you, but he is interested in having sexual intimacies with others. Even if it never got physical, he has at the very least fantasized about these women and, if given a concrete chance, I’m certain he would have become physical with them. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. People, and men especially, can have sex with women they aren’t even remotely interested in beyond a need-driven basis. I personally know of men who have slept with women they weren’t particularly attracted to but did so anyway because 1) the women were available and willing and 2) the men simply liked the attention. It was an ego boost. I’m not saying your SO is one of these men, but I would tread with caution from here on out. I’d wager it’s safe to say he truly was attracted to FB girl, or else he wouldn’t have said so many complimentary things to “help” her self-esteem. I doubt he’s that altruistic. He was getting something out of it in return (attention, excitement, flattery from her, you name it). Bottom line is, he got caught. Who really knows how far this would have gone had you not found those photos. Only you can decide if you want to stay with him or not in the end, but please at least keep your eyes wide, wide open. He will be on his best behavior for a while, but don’t assume that it’s genuine, that it will last, or that it shows he’s truly changed for the better.

Post # 399
817 posts
Busy bee

OMG! RUN!! Been there! Done that! IT SUCKS BIG TIME!!!! 

Post # 400
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

People went out of their way to share their experiences and give heartfelt advice, and you are throwing it away based on #5 from an infidelity forum.

I feel sorry for you, because I know that you will have a relationship that is completely lacking in trust, and no amount of phone or facebook checking will make you feel confident that your SO is remaining faithful.

Best of luck (to you, not your idiot boyfriend), and I am hoping we don’t see another post like this from you in the future.

Post # 401
2160 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@Sunfire:  When a man shows you who he is, believe him.

Dear OP, I have been there and I’ve watched my closest girlfriends go through it for many, many years of our lives.  He’s shown you what he’s capable of.  No one, not any man, is perfect.  But each of us eventually reveals our character and he has shown you his.  And you are showing him that you will live with it.  His crying, his apologizing~ it’s all part of the same cycle and unfortunately, the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.  My heart goes out to you and I hope the best for you.  Some relationships are simply there to learn from and it sounds like you’re learning the hard way. 

Post # 402
652 posts
Busy bee

I don’t know why you’re making this so easy on him. At least go stay with a friend or family member for a week before making a decision. All he has to do is whine and cry a few times to get away with disrespecting you so badly and you think he’s going to change? You may as well give him permission. You already know what he’ll do the second you’re not looking. He may love you but that doesn’t automaticlly equal fidelity and it doesn’t mean he respects you. Clearly he does not. And when you make it so easy for him the way you have, he will respect you even less.

I was in a relationship with a man who was unfaithful to me. I caught him via texts on his phone. I ended up leaving 6 months after that. It was 6 months of PURE HELL. I couldn’t stop checking up on him and eventually I caught him again. As soon as I left I felt such tremendous relief to not have the burden of always being on the lookout. It’s one thing to use mobile monitoring software to catch a cheater and leave. It’s quite another to catch a cheater and stay, continue to use the software and carry that burden of always being on the lookout.

The thing that caused me to see things differently was taking a contract job 3 hours away. I was in an apartment by myself and only visited every weekend or every other weekend. I felt such PEACE being away from him and it was impossible for me to ignore it. When I returned home from my time away, all the anxiety and awful feelings crept back up. I had to leave and it was the best thing I ever did.

Best of luck to you. I think it’s pretty clear that this isn’t going to end well. I hope you do pursue counseling on your own, without him.

Post # 403
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@BewilderedBee:  Here’s the T the way I see it:

“He said he doesn’t know why he says the things he does to boost her self esteem because he never feels good about himself afterwards.”

That sounds like sex/love addiction to me. He keeps behaving in a way that he doesn’t understand and feels gross about it afterward… If he is truly serious about that- http://www.slaafws.org/ Seriously! And perhaps for you too…


5. Don’t take advice from people that have never experienced infidelity or ones that immediately say “cut and run…”

I can see that on one hand people don’t know the intricacies of your relationship, etc… But there is a benefit to that. An objective party is usually very helpful to see through the bullshit that all parties involved bring to the table.

You obviously really love this man, and you already know what you’re going to do… I just geniunely hope that you take care of yourself.



Post # 404
802 posts
Busy bee

This thread makes me sad. OP, I truly, sincerely hope your SO changes and the two of you work things out.

Post # 405
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Sad I wasted all this time reading 11 pages only to have it end this way. I feel sorry for you, I really do. He is playing you for an absolute fool and getting away with it. What was the point of any of this? To get us all riled up and feeding into this emotionally then to havw you just dismiss it all? Then quit posting under your fake Bee name and let this drop. Nothing you say will convince any sane person that ” ZOMG you are soooooo right. He’s telling the truth now!” He cheated- period. I hope the next time he does it you are able to leave and not throw away any more of your life.

Post # 406
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@maplemag:  Hmm, this is an interesting take. It may not even be as serious as an addiction, just a real love of the attention. I’ve known people, well-intentioned but again, immature and weak, who put themselves in really bad situations just because they crave the attention; afterwards, they feel really crummy. I’m reminded of a how I met your mother episode, much tamer than your situation, where Lilly takes off her engagement ring just because she wants to be pursued by random strangers. You might want to look into this once you start to see a therapist. 

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