Post # 1
So I accidentally found out my Future Mother-In-Law is throwing me a surprise bridal shower (I had requested no shower since I find them awkward). I know it’s a nice gesture and I’m not angry that she went against my wishes as I know she’s trying to do something nice, however, I found out that none of my family or friends were invited. My mom lives far away, but will be in town for 3 weeks before my wedding. Instead of planning around her so she could at least be there, they planned it the week before she’s coming. I also found out they didn’t bother inviting any of my friends. Is this normal? I don’t want to look like a jerk, but I’m a little sad that it seems she just invited her kids and her friends, and nobody bothered to include my side of the guests. I’m going to feel terrible knowing my mom wasn’t thought of, and that my friends are going to find out I did in fact have a shower, but they weren’t included. Maybe they’d be relieved to not have to go, but still, is this….weird??
Post # 3
Yea, I think it’s a little weird. I would talk to your fiance and maybe he can bring up to her without seeming obvious.
Post # 4
Yea definitely a little weird. A shower is supposed to an event where all your loved ones come together for you, not just the friends and family of the host… definitely have your fiance hint at adding some of your friends and family that are local.
Post # 5
@Birdee106: The weird thing is, two weeks ago I had my suspicions, and I did say something to him. I said I would feel awkward having that type of shower, and that if I did have one, I would hope that it would include my friends (his mother mentioned doing this “her way” before). So he totally knew how I felt, but I checked with a friend, and she said she never received an invite.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
I agree. See if your Fiance can ask his mom about it. He can play the semi-clueless guy, like “I read somewhere that in-laws throw a shower, whatever that is? Are you doing that? Did you invite Whitums’ friiends? and family. I bet that would mean a lot to her.”
Post # 7
@Birdee106: It’s not unusual here for the Future Mother-In-Law to throw a shower for her side of the family and close friends. The bride’s friends and family are not always invited as it can become financially onerous for them to attend all the showers.
You said you didn’t want a shower so I am sure your friends and family are not surprised that they are not attending one for you. You still have time to change your mind and let someone host another shower.
Post # 8
Eh. I think it’s weird your mom isn’t invited, but that’s it. Lots of times a family memeber will plan a shower for just that side of the family. If she knew you didn’t want a shower, she may have just opted for a small one with her family as a sort of compromise. Plus, she might not have the room or budget to host her family + your family + friends.
I also wouldn’t hold it against her that she didn’t plan it around your mother’s schedule. It would have been nice, but perhaps she or other family wasn’t available in those weeks leading up to the wedding. Or maybe she thought you’d be busy and didn’t want to take up any precious planning time.
Also, maybe she did invite your friends, but they are just keeping it a secret.
Post # 9
Wow, your mom HAS to get invited somehow, someway. If you still have grandmothers, they too should get an invite. I agree with what some PP’s said that if this is a small, low-key thing it’s not that weird that she didn’t full out invite all your friends and extended family from yor list. But mom and g-mom’s….that would reallllly hurt my feelings, and my mother’s as well. Someone close to Future Mother-In-Law must’ve spilled the beans, otherwise you wouldn’t know, so I’d have them say something to her, or your fiance.
After all….the bride’s parents usually host the wedding, and it’s a very important day for them as well. Not honoring them is not a good way to start things off.
Post # 10
@RunsWithBears: Thank you both for your insight! While I’m a little peeved she didn’t respect my wishes of not having a shower at all, I do know that her intentions were good, and understand that apparently in some circles it’s normal to have this type of shower. I do disagree regarding the reactions of my family and friends. I think that they will be surprised I had a shower to begin with, and doubly surprised to know they weren’t included. As I requested to not have one, I certainly don’t want to make someone throw me another one to make up for friends and family not being included! Hopefully they will understand, and hopefully my mom isn’t hurt that she wasn’t considered. That’s what matters to me.
Post # 11
@whitums: I’m sure your family and friends will understand. If they ask you about it, just say that you didn’t want one but Future Mother-In-Law decided to throw a small surprise one for just your FI’s family. Since it’s common in a lot of cirlces, I’m sure they won’t be offended.
I agree that it would be nice to invite your mom – even if they cannot accomodate her schedule. Do you know for sure she wasn’t invited? Could your Fiance mention it to his mom?
Post # 12
I can understand her feeling like this a shower for her family, and that if your family wants to throw you one, they can. I would maybe mention it to a bridesmaid/MOH and say that you feel sad they won’t be there and you would prefer to have a shwoer with everybody. Maybe Maid/Matron of Honor can talk to Mother-In-Law about making this a joint shower, or Maid/Matron of Honor can just throw you a friends and family shower?
Post # 13
I think it’s a bit weird. Its supposed to be about you not Future Mother-In-Law. I think I would let it slide so long as an invitation was extended to your Mum. That is the most important part. I would also get Fiance to talk to his Mum and somehow get her to move it to the week your Mum is in town.
Post # 14
No that’s not normal. Its rude. My family would be offended.
Post # 15
@julies1949: This. FI’s stepmom is throwing me a shower for FFIL’s family and the couple of people from her family who are invited. I haven’t heard anything yet, but I assume that I’ll have at least one more for my side/FMIL’s side, since there are a billion people who would be invited.
I dislike bridal showers, so I requested that there not be anything typical. FSMIL threw a lovely baby shower that I attended, so I know she’ll be fine. I’m okay with games as long as they aren’t childish.
Post # 16
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@julies1949: I agree. I have been to both kinds of showers. Ones where the bridesmaids throw it for both sides of the family and friends and ones where the Future Mother-In-Law throws it for the bride. Your Future Mother-In-Law probably expects your BMs to throw a separate shower for your friends and family but she wanted to throw one for you too. I wouldn’t be upset, I would be happy that my Future Mother-In-Law liked me enough to throw another shower for me. It’s also a great way to meet your FH’s family without the distraction of your own friends and family that you know and would gravitate toward.