Post # 1
Hi bee’s. I really need some advice. My Darling Husband went out with his best man the other night I will call him Bridesmaid or Best Man. BM is married to a woman who I would call my best friend. She has been there for me and is one of the sweetest women I have ever met, I will call her Boyfriend or Best Friend. I talked to Darling Husband throughout the night and he was having a good time. He called suddenly asking me to come get him and he sounded weird. We got home and he just let it all out. It appears Bridesmaid or Best Man is leaving Boyfriend or Best Friend for this woman (I will call the TW for The whore she is)we all know. Bridesmaid or Best Man hangs out with her about once or twice a week in the bars and sometimes stays at her house. Bridesmaid or Best Man has always jus claimed they have been friends, everyone else has always wondered about their relationship. Boyfriend or Best Friend has always said she can’t tell Bridesmaid or Best Man who he can hang out with and trusts them both. This woman is nothing but a train wreck. She is a drama queen and dates these horrid men then acts like a surprised victim when they screw her over. It is always poor, pitiful me with this woman. She has a 17 year old son that is usually drunk or high or both, she allows this in her home and is surprised he is a bad kid. She has never been worried about him, just her next man. She has even told me about the nights she gets him good and wasted to have sex (even a threesome) with his friends.
TW was my work out buddy and has talked poorly about Boyfriend or Best Friend at time before I got to know her. I know she strongly dislikes her and now I know why, she wants her husband and is jealous of her. Bridesmaid or Best Man explained to my Darling Husband that there is nothing going on with TW, but then again nothing is with Boyfriend or Best Friend. He says he feels a strong bond with TW and her son and feels he can help him as a mentor and has been working with him to get him back into school. Bridesmaid or Best Man just said things are just about done with Boyfriend or Best Friend and will be with TW.
I already have many issues with TW, she caused major drama at my wedding and after, she said I didn’t pay enough attention to her and we didn’t do enough for her birthday the day before. Sorry, I was a bit busy.
I don’t know what to do. Do I go to Bridesmaid or Best Man and try to talk to him and tell him the truth about TW. I don’t think him telling her his marital problems to her was a good idea. I know she was never objective and said horrible things about her, stirring the pot. I need to make sure Darling Husband who was a really tipsy told me the whole thing straight or do I go straight to BF? I will have to wait to tell her anything. She is in the middle of a huge work project and I can’t do this to her till it is over. I feel like I am lying to her by not telling what is gooing on. I have not been able to sleep and when I talk to her I just want to cry for her. She has no clue what is going on behind her back. The other hand I want to go after TW and beat her but I am not much of a scrapper and she is the queen of a bar fight. What would you do?? Help?
Sorry so long.
Post # 3
I am sorry this posted to the wrong place. How do I move it?
Post # 4
I would tell him that you know, and if he isn’t honest with her himself, you will tell her. Give him a deadline, and if he doesn’t come clean, tell her. BUT (and this is a huge but) be prepared for her to not believe you, for him to lie and deny it, etc.
If you can’t deal with that, then maybe you should keep quiet, if you can. Its a tough situation for nayone to be in
Post # 5
I am typically a proponent of “never get in anyone else’s business”, but if it were my best friend, I would at least pointedly suggest that she talk to her husband about what’s going on so she’d have a clue that something was up. I’d also discuss it with my husband first to make sure he wasn’t upset about me breaking his and his best man’s trust.
I don’t think talking to Bridesmaid or Best Man will help anything, people in that situation never listen to outside reason 😉
ETA: Agree with the PP that if you were talking to him to tell him that if he doesn’t come clean you’ll do it for him, that would be reasonable. I just don’t think trying to talk him out of it will work.
Post # 6
my first instinct would be to tell my friend. My allegiance is to her. I would be sick to think that all of this is going on without her knowledge.
If the tables were turned I would absolutely want her to tell me.
Post # 7
Before you do anything, talk to your husband and make sure you are on the same page regarding action. It may be that he told you this in confidence and doesn’t want you to do anything.
Post # 8
I would confront Bridesmaid or Best Man and let him do the right thing.
Post # 9
What a messed-up situation. I doubt trying to talk with Bridesmaid or Best Man will make any difference. Try to keep it simple. He is a married man having an affair. He’s married to your best friend. I’d tell my best friend if her husband were having an affair. Either way, she’ll need someone she can trust during this. Let him and TW have their drama, hope for the son’s sake that Bridesmaid or Best Man can be a positive mentor, and help your friend move on with her life.
Post # 10
I usually tell people to stay out of this, but if I knew that my BFF’s husband was screwing around behind her back and was going to leave her, you’re darn right I would tell her. I certainly wouldn’t go to him first…b/c then he’s going to go to your BFF and tell her that you know, and that can be all sorts of bad.
Talk to your Darling Husband first and make sure he’s ok with you telling your BFF about this. If he’s not, then I would have to say stay completely out of it. If he’s ok with you telling her, let her know as soon as you can.
Post # 11
Oh Darling Husband is fine with what ever I do. He is sick about it too. He just moved here from England and we picked this man to be his Bridesmaid or Best Man becuase he was a good friend and British also. This couple has been through what we are about to go through with immigration and we like haning out with them. We thought he was a good man. My Darling Husband is very upset too and wants to what ever he can to be there for Boyfriend or Best Friend. He knows how much she means to me.
I was thinking if I talked to him I would tell him if he didn’t come clean I would tell her, and give him a time line. I think he is waiting for this project to be over too.
I want to tell her becuase if it was me I would want to know, and I would be so upset if I knew she knew.
Post # 12
This is a tough one but I think ultimately I’d stay out of it. I would think that unless your Boyfriend or Best Friend is somehow numb to these things, your Boyfriend or Best Friend has some idea something isn’t right in her marriage and has some idea of the kind of person TW is, being witness to her shenanigans at your wedding, etc.
The problem isn’t so much with TW…she’s just a catalyst helping the problem along.
There is a preexisting problem causing Bridesmaid or Best Man to care more about someone else’s life than his and his wife and his marriage.
It is this preexisting problem that needs to be addressed, whatever it is, in its own time, between Bridesmaid or Best Man and Boyfriend or Best Friend. When we step into situations like this, the idea is that we think we are somehow saving the day, helping someone to realize something sooner. But we do not see that in fact we are interfering with what someone needs and when they need it. It is their path to walk, and wherever it leads, even to initial heartache if they do indeed break their marriage, it is what needs to happen to teach each of them something bigger than any of you.
It almost seems as though Bridesmaid or Best Man told Darling Husband because he knew Darling Husband would tell you, and then you both could do the dirty work for him telling your Boyfriend or Best Friend. It is his burden to bear, his lesson to learn, and his problem to confront.
Post # 13
I understand that you feel as if you are somehow lying to your friend by not saying anything about this to her. However, it may help you to take a step back and realize that, in fact, you do not actually have any firsthand knowledge of anything. You are in possession only of heresay information brought to you by your Darling Husband, after he had been drinking, based on what his assessment is of what his Bridesmaid or Best Man told him, after HE had been drinking.
From all accounts, it does not sound as if Bridesmaid or Best Man has actually admitted to anything having happened with TW, and Boyfriend or Best Friend already knows that Bridesmaid or Best Man spends time with TW without BF being present.
It is very possible that Bridesmaid or Best Man was speaking out of his emotions and fantasies and not out of his decision-making process when he told your Darling Husband that he is planning to leave Boyfriend or Best Friend for TW. This may not ever transpire.
As hard as it will be for you to have to “sit on” this information, at least until something ELSE transpires that would provide you with firsthand knowledge of something concrete, I don’t think you can take any action whatsoever other than to share your distress with Darling Husband and allow Darling Husband to be the one to have further converstation with Bridesmaid or Best Man.
I am SO sorry you are stuck with this information, and it must be terribly difficult to continue as “normal” with all of these individuals. However, I would just take one day at a time and be there for your Boyfriend or Best Friend if and when anything concrete transpires.
Post # 14
I’d tell her so she can decide to leave him instead of being left… and make plans, such as getting an attorney and securing her bank account/finances. She doesn’t need to continue having him make decisions which alter her life. Let her have control over what happens next. It isn’t only about emotions.
Post # 15
to the Bees who are suggesting staying out of it. .
if this was your best friend posting, would you want her to tell you?
(not trying to hijack the thread lol)
Post # 16
First, sit down and talk to your Darling Husband in detail about it. Ask him to recount the conversation ask his opinion of it and ask if he’s okay with you reaching out to Boyfriend or Best Friend. If he is, then you’ve got to say something to Boyfriend or Best Friend. I would emphasize to her that you don’t like being the messenger and aren’t judging the situation, but as a friend you have to tell her what you heard. Encourage her to do some investigating before confronting her Darling Husband so she can find out for herself if it’s true or not, offer to help her.
Be prepared for her to run straight to her Darling Husband, blab everything you said word for word then believe him when he denies it all and calls you a liar. This is unfortunately the most likely scenario, which is why I would normally say don’t get involved, but if she’s your best friend you have a duty to tell her something so horrible.