(Closed) Found out BF is leaving her she doesn’t know I do……

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do?
    Do I go straight to BF? : (24 votes)
    41 %
    Do I talk to BM first? : (11 votes)
    19 %
    Do I mind my own business and just be there for her after it happens? : (23 votes)
    40 %
  • Post # 4
    Member
    7431 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2009

    I would tell him that you know, and if he isn’t honest with her himself, you will tell her. Give him a deadline, and if he doesn’t come clean, tell her. BUT (and this is a huge but) be prepared for her to not believe you, for him to lie and deny it, etc.

    If you can’t deal with that, then maybe you should keep quiet, if you can. Its a tough situation for nayone to be in

    Post # 5
    Member
    2559 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I am typically a proponent of “never get in anyone else’s business”, but if it were my best friend, I would at least pointedly suggest that she talk to her husband about what’s going on so she’d have a clue that something was up. I’d also discuss it with my husband first to make sure he wasn’t upset about me breaking his and his best man’s trust.

    I don’t think talking to Bridesmaid or Best Man will help anything, people in that situation never listen to outside reason 😉

    ETA: Agree with the PP that if you were talking to him to tell him that if he doesn’t come clean you’ll do it for him, that would be reasonable. I just don’t think trying to talk him out of it will work.

    Post # 6
    Member
    5075 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2012

    my first instinct would be to tell my friend. My allegiance is to her.  I would be sick to think that all of this is going on without her knowledge.

    If the tables were turned I would absolutely want her to tell me.  

    Post # 7
    Member
    1562 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Before you do anything, talk to your husband and make sure you are on the same page regarding action.  It may be that he told you this in confidence and doesn’t want you to do anything.

    Post # 8
    Member
    3618 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    I would confront Bridesmaid or Best Man and let him do the right thing.

    Post # 9
    Member
    3368 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    What a messed-up situation.  I doubt trying to talk with Bridesmaid or Best Man will make any difference.  Try to keep it simple.  He is a married man having an affair.  He’s married to your best friend.  I’d tell my best friend if her husband were having an affair.  Either way, she’ll need someone she can trust during this.  Let him and TW have their drama, hope for the son’s sake that Bridesmaid or Best Man can be a positive mentor, and help your friend move on with her life. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    5977 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I usually tell people to stay out of this, but if I knew that my BFF’s husband was screwing around behind her back and was going to leave her, you’re darn right I would tell her. I certainly wouldn’t go to him first…b/c then he’s going to go to your BFF and tell her that you know, and that can be all sorts of bad. 

    Talk to your Darling Husband first and make sure he’s ok with you telling your BFF about this. If he’s not, then I would have to say stay completely out of it. If he’s ok with you telling her, let her know as soon as you can. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    2053 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    This is a tough one but I think ultimately I’d stay out of it. I would think that unless your Boyfriend or Best Friend is somehow numb to these things, your Boyfriend or Best Friend has some idea something isn’t right in her marriage and has some idea of the kind of person TW is, being witness to her shenanigans at your wedding, etc.

    The problem isn’t so much with TW…she’s just a catalyst helping the problem along.

    There is a preexisting problem causing Bridesmaid or Best Man to care more about someone else’s life than his and his wife and his marriage.

    It is this preexisting problem that needs to be addressed, whatever it is, in its own time, between Bridesmaid or Best Man and Boyfriend or Best Friend. When we step into situations like this, the idea is that we think we are somehow saving the day, helping someone to realize something sooner. But we do not see that in fact we are interfering with what someone needs and when they need it. It is their path to walk, and wherever it leads, even to initial heartache if they do indeed break their marriage, it is what needs to happen to teach each of them something bigger than any of you.

    It almost seems as though Bridesmaid or Best Man told Darling Husband because he knew Darling Husband would tell you, and then you both could do the dirty work for him telling your Boyfriend or Best Friend. It is his burden to bear, his lesson to learn, and his problem to confront.

    Post # 13
    Member
    11356 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    I understand that you feel as if you are somehow lying to your friend by not saying anything about this to her. However, it may help you to take a step back and realize that, in fact, you do not actually have any firsthand knowledge of anything. You are in possession only of heresay information brought to you by your Darling Husband, after he had been drinking, based on what his assessment is of what his Bridesmaid or Best Man told him, after HE had been drinking.

    From all accounts, it does not sound as if Bridesmaid or Best Man has actually admitted to anything having happened with TW, and Boyfriend or Best Friend already knows that Bridesmaid or Best Man spends time with TW without BF being present.

    It is very possible that Bridesmaid or Best Man was speaking out of his emotions and fantasies and not out of his decision-making process when he told your Darling Husband that he is planning to leave Boyfriend or Best Friend for TW.  This may not ever transpire.

    As hard as it will be for you to have to “sit on” this information, at least until something ELSE transpires that would provide you with firsthand knowledge of something concrete, I don’t think you can take any action whatsoever other than to share your distress with Darling Husband and allow Darling Husband to be the one to have further converstation with Bridesmaid or Best Man.

    I am SO sorry you are stuck with this information, and it must be terribly difficult to continue as “normal” with all of these individuals. However, I would just take one day at a time and be there for your Boyfriend or Best Friend if and when anything concrete transpires. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    3368 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    I’d tell her so she can decide to leave him instead of being left… and make plans, such as getting an attorney and securing her bank account/finances.  She doesn’t need to continue having him make decisions which alter her life.  Let her have control over what happens next.  It isn’t only about emotions.

    Post # 15
    Member
    5075 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2012

    to the Bees who are suggesting staying out of it. .

    if this was your best friend posting, would you want her to tell you?  

    (not trying to hijack the thread lol)

    Post # 16
    Member
    6661 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    First, sit down and talk to your Darling Husband in detail about it. Ask him to recount the conversation ask his opinion of it and ask if he’s okay with you reaching out to Boyfriend or Best Friend. If he is, then you’ve got to say something to Boyfriend or Best Friend. I would emphasize to her that you don’t like being the messenger and aren’t judging the situation, but as a friend you have to tell her what you heard. Encourage her to do some investigating before confronting her Darling Husband so she can find out for herself if it’s true or not, offer to help her.

    Be prepared for her to run straight to her Darling Husband, blab everything you said word for word then believe him when he denies it all and calls you a liar. This is unfortunately the most likely scenario, which is why I would normally say don’t get involved, but if she’s your best friend you have a duty to tell her something so horrible.

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