Post # 1
Our wedding was everything we hoped for and the honeymoon was fantastic. Though, 4 days into our honeymoon, we got a call from my new husband’s father to tell us that his best friend unexpectedly passed away.
This friend had ongoing struggles with addiction, which my husband has dealt with (part of why they are so close, they wanted to BOTH be sober), but we are still waiting on the autopsy results to discover exactly what the cause of death was. He was very unhealthy from so many years of abuse, so even at the age of 32, it is possible that his body just gave out (weather heart, liver, kidneys, what have you). What we do know now is that he had a rough week before the wedding, and then friends and family caught him drinnking in the parking lot at our wedding. No one told us this then, obviously, and apparently he fell off the wagon hard while we were on honeymoon in Mexico. We stayed on honeymoon for 2 more days trying to “pretend” everything was okay and to enjoy ourselves and deal with reality when we got home, but of course we did a lot of sobbing between activities. We even placed flowers in the ocean in his honor on our last night there.
Luckily, my husband’s sobriety is solid and he isn’t worried about a relapse, but he is brokenhearted, as am I. We are now home, the funeral service is over, and we are back to work and “normal life”. Our home is a mess with wedding gifts and laundry, but we are emotional and stuck. There is so much pressure to feel like newlyweds and to enjoy this time, but how can we? We are doing our best to support each other and to love each other, but the romance is totally on the backburner. We waited for intercourse for the honeymoon, and now we are at the point where we have been without sex for longer than we were actually having sex (which was wonderful and enjoyable for both of us, by the way). We are already so much stronger because of this, but since we’ve gotten back home, I can’t help but feel overwhelmed and sad for so many reasons.
Any suggestions on ways I can help my husband while also helping myself? Ideas on how to integrate sex back into the picture, and when is the right time? This is definitely the most significant and surprising loss either of us have faced, and we’re in limbo. I know that time will heal, but I feel so hopeless as a wife. I just need advice I guess. All help is appreciated, as well as any first hand experience any of you may have with a situation like ours.
This topic was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by edepp2010.
Post # 2
- Wedding: Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception/The Gallery
edepp2010: First off, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. And following such a happy time for you, no less.
I don’t have a lot of advice for you but I do think it could be really beneficial for both of you, but especially your husband, to seek counseling with a professional who specializes in grief and/or substance abuse. It’s so hard to process all the feelings that come with this kind of sudden loss–and harder so when you’re in recovery.
Just remember to take it easy and have patience with your Darling Husband, but trying to regain some normalcy–and intimacy–may be good for you both.
Post # 3
edepp2010: I don’t have any firsthand experience with something like this, but I wanted to first say I’m so sorry for the loss of you and your husband’s friend. Also I wanted to say congrats on your marriage.
All you can really do is be there for your Darling Husband. Everyone grieves differently. Just be a shoulder for him to cry on. Let him know that is OK to be sad. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to breakdown. Also, I’m not trying to scare you, but the possibility of your Darling Husband relapsing at this time is something you need to be aware of. I once heard someone say, which I agree with, that no one ever “gets over” an addiction. An addiction cannot be cured. Once you stop feeding your addiction, you basically live your life in recovery. The temptation never truly goes away, but you just learn to overcome it. In times like this though, the temptation to go back to that lifestyle is often much stronger. I know because I personally was a user at one point in my life, after a very traumatic experience happened to me. So definitely watch for any signs of relapse from your Darling Husband.
*Hugs* Things will get better. You, your Darling Husband, and his friend’s family are in my thoughts.
Post # 4
DrunkInLove: Thanks for your reply and for your sympathy. I was thinking that counseling would be a good idea and may help us to process all of this change. I agree with you that intamacy would help both of us, and not just for our sexual desires. It would help him to remember just how special we are to each other, and to just release some dopamine and reconnect. But he isn’t there yet. He’s trying.
BMoreBecc: I expected a few responses like yours, so thank you and thanks for your sympathy. I know that relapse is always an option, but at this point, my husband feels solid. We’ve discussed it, and to be honest, if he wanted to relapse or were going to, it would have happened. He hates that this disease killed his friend and he wants to be far from it. He will always be an addict, and he would admit any day that he always wants to drink, but at least for now, he won’t. And this is his outlook, not me speaking for him.
Post # 5
Oh my heart just break for you. How absolutely devastating to lose someone so close to both of you during the most wonderful time of your lives. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through and I am so very sorry..
All you can do is be there for your hubby and understand that emotions will be all over the place. Grief happens differently for many people. Try to be understanding of his feelings and allow yourself to feel and process your emotions too. Things will be sad for awhile, don’t expect everything to go back to normal right away. Intimacy might take time and that’s okay. talk to UR hubby everyday about how u both are dealing with it. continue to honor your friend’s memory and be patient if things seem difficult. It will get easier eventually…
Sorry if I’m not much help. I’m praying for you and UR Darling Husband.
ETA, I peeked through ur old posts and I remember u! Youre the bee with (IMO) one of the most beautiful dresses ive ever seen. Just wanted to let u know that you’re beautiful, and your dress was breathtaking 💕
Post # 6
Cheekie0077: Thank you so much, really. Our hearts are so full and yet so broken at the same time. I know that the best advice anyone can give is to give it time. I guess I just feel guilty that if we grieve normally, we lose more time as happy newlyweds. I know that’s an unrealistic goal, but I want us to do the best we can, I guess. Not sure if I’m making any sense.
Thank you again for the comment about my dress. Our wedding was fantastic and I’ll post a recap soon. I’m doing my best to keep my emoitons separate so as to not cloud the memory of the wedding, so I’ll post to celebrate how wonderful that day was.
Post # 7
edepp2010: just think of it like this, you will have the rest of your lives to relish in the love you have for one another. While things seem impossible right now, your sadness will lift a bit and you can begin to concentrate on your relationship more.. But give it time. Things are raw and sad now understandably. I don’t think its a bad thing to seek counseling to understand how to deal with everything you’re feelings and the guilt.. Wishing you only the best Bee.
i am very excited to see your dress in action in your recap. I understand u wanting to wait, but just now that us Bees are here for you, congrats on your marriage..
Post # 8
Congrats on your wedding and I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I know you asked about how to put back the romance but in my experience it will come back nauturally when the time is right, it’s not really something you can “get back” in a situation like this.
Also I know you said your husband is solid in his sobriety but death and trauma does crazy things to people so going to talk to someone or attending a metting would not be a bad idea.
Post # 9
Does your husband still attend 12 step programmes? Does he have a sponsor? If he’s in AA or similar there will be people who’ve seen a loved one die from the disease and someone with many years sobriety will help your husband through his loss now and in continuing years.
are you involved at all with Al-anon? I’d reach out there. You do have some ground to cover together on this for sure but he’ll need special support as a recovering addict and you’ll need special care as the wife of someone in recovery. Al-anon is for you as his wife.
I hope this doesn’t seem patronising. I write from experience.
as awful as this is now, there may well be a special silver lining in this time that perhaps you won’t appreciate for a while yet.
Heres testing your ‘for better or for worse’ right off the bat. You can do this bee. make contact with those long timers in 12 step. They are wise.
Post # 10
Cheekie0077: Thanks again.
sway0060: UK-bee: I appreciate the concern, but my goal is not to turn this thread into concern about my DH’s sobriety. I am just looking for advice in regards to our brand new marriage. If we have concerns about him relapsing, we will deal with that the way that we see fit. I really do appreciate the concern, but that is not what this post is about.
Post # 11
edepp2010: I am so sorry to hear about your loss and no less in the time you guys should be the happiest. For a moment I thought we knew the same person, as one of our good friends just passed away this weekend suddenly in his sleep from the same situation at 31 years old. He was friends with my Fiance for many, many years and when I came into the picture, I also became pretty good friends with him as well. He was a stand up guy and a person the world will be less without.
As far as grieving and getting back into what “normal” should be…it really is going to take time. We have both just been grieving this past week so our sex life has been on the back burner for sure. While the timing sucks, unfortunately you cannot prevent life, or death from happening at less than desirable times! I think once some time has passed and your husband has healed, things will get back to normal and you guys can maybe pick up where you left off. It is not the honeymoon phase that anyone dreams of, but it is a sad reality now. Just take things one step at a time and you guys will get back there. Having it was his best friend, it may take a bit. Just be there and support him and know he totally loves you. I wish you the best in these extremely tough times.
Post # 12
Ninebones: Your post was so helpful. I’m sorry about what you are going through as well. I know we’ll be okay, I just feel helpless as the time passes. But I have to realize i’m doing all that I can do.
Post # 13
edepp2010: I understand the helpless feelings. If you’re any kind of control freak like me, you won’t rest until you make things better!! But in these cases no matter how much we want to, these things just aren’t something we can take command of and fix all. I hate to say, time will make things better. It’s cliche, and I don’t completely believe it. It will never be okay completely for him because it is a loss he cannot get back, but time will help him be able to cope better. If you’re there to hold him up, you really are doing all you can to help, and that’s probably what he needs most. 🙂
Post # 14
First, I am so sorry to both of you, and to your friend’s family. Second, Congratulations on your new marriage!
I dont have much advice, just glad to see that while you are concerned for your husband’s well being, you are also aware that you need to take care of yourself and intimacy in your marriage as well. I just listened to a Savage Love Podcast about grieving and intimacy. He really does a great job of describing how it has to be ok for sex to be different in these times. Sometimes more soft, sometimes sad, crying, but all while being together. Counselling would definitely be a good idea, and perhapa a few books on the subject will have expert advice that a counsellor could reccomend?
Post # 15
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. I wish any one of us could give you advice that would make this better. My Fiance and I have been through many deaths together, unfortunately, both family and friends. More than anything it really is about just being there. Even if you sit alone together in silence staring at a tv screen for hours on end, it’s just the being there that will help and keep you close. The sex will come naturally, there is no need to force it. It may come from snuggling closely for comfort or it may come out of the blue in a random intense desire.
I truly do wish I could be more help. Sending you both love and hugs and comfort.