(Closed) Found out FI cheated :(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1512 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@mandy102:  Oh my goodness. I’m so sorry. Definitely take some time to think things over, but I know if it was me, that would be unacceptable behavior. I don’t have any advice, really, but I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 4
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I’m so sorry you are going through this! How did you find out that he kissed her? Did he tell you that? What did you say when you confronted him about the e-mail? I know cheating for me is a deal breaker, but I also know for some it isn’t. In my opinion, if you decide to stay you both need to get some counseling, seperately and together to work through the issues. 

 

Post # 5
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m sorry, love. I dont have any advice, but I am sorry you are going through this. It sounded like you brought it up to him, did he have anything to say about it?

Post # 6
Member
515 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry 🙁 hugs.

Post # 8
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Set up? like a prank email?

Why wont he talk about it? Well, I assume that if it wasn’t true he would want to talk about it and tell you that and show that it was a “set up”. What do you think?

 

Post # 10
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. Everyone is different, and I (obviously) have a very biased opinion so bear this in mind as you read. But I remember being in your situation and really wish someone had told me this at the time. I’m engaged and planning my second wedding now, but in my first wedding, a similar thing happened to me. In my case, it was about 2 weeks before the wedding when my ex cheated on me. He admitted it and said he didn’t mean for it to happen. But looking back, it wasn’t much of an apology and at the time, I think I really wanted to hear it and had blinders on. I thought I could make it work, I knew we were moving out of state (and away from her) a couple of months after the wedding, I listened to friends/family who told me that it was out of character for him, and got married anyway.

A year later, I found out out he was still emailing her. He promised to stop again. Another 2 years later and his new female co-worker broke off her engagement. He stopped coming home at night, and I came home one night after work and found them watching a movie together on the couch with his arm around her. He claims it was platonic. He also started lying to me about his schedule, not coming home at night, etc. I finally realized that I couldn’t make a marriage work by myself and his heart wasn’t in it. I asked him if he could be honest and faithful and when he told me he needed to think about it, I made the very difficult (I know it shouldn’t have been, but at the time it was) decision to leave, I’m not going to say it didn’t take a long time to heal, but I am happier now than ever. And I do have an amazing fiance who actually communicates with me.

Your story may be like mine, or it might be like others I know who have recovered from infidelity and actually strengthened their relationship from it. And right now, that’s a really rough place to be. What I can tell you is that I wished I hadn’t rushed into getting married afterward. I think at the time I felt like everyone was coming into town, everything was set, vendors were paid, and I didn’t want to disappoint anyone else. What I wished I’d done is thought about myself in that moment and what I really needed. For me, it was time. I’m not saying this can’t work, but I think you both need to look at why it happened and decide if it really is what you both want and are ready for now. Good luck, and I’m so sorry you are going through this right now.

Post # 11
Member
307 posts
Helper bee

🙁 i’m sorry, i know how terrible you feel..it is really scary..like the ground that you walk on has been pulled away..have faith..it is still there and even if it doesn’t feel like it, you will be okay.

 how long have you known and when did he start apologizing/denying/asking you to “drop it?” (all very contradictory behavior) usually this means that he himself is having trouble dealing with his own pain/confusion/shame and is unable to attend to your needs.

i think you need to get away from him right now.  don’t say anything about what you want to do.  do not worry about what he will do when you are gone. do not let him or your emotions sway you to do or say anything that you aren’t ready to say yet. give yourself time (hours days weeks..whatever you need). set your boundaries that you are what is important right now – not him, not your relationship.

one day at a time right now…

Post # 13
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think what flyingpiggy said is right on. He is in an emotional whirlwind and so are you. You can only take care of yourself and figure out what is best for you.

Post # 15
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

That sucks.Men can be so selfish sometimes.Take time to decide what you want to do.Seems like he would be more humble and apologetic.Not telling you to drop it.Geez… I am sorry that this has happened to you.

Post # 16
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Good! Find something that can help ease that void of when you usually talk to him. Rent a movie, find a new tv show marathon, paint your nails, come on WeddingBee. Again, @tenacity:  said it best with one day at a time. Because you will get through this.

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