(Closed) Found out fiance invited 2 girls he's slept with to our wedding

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think he probably should have told you that he slept with these women at some point, and I see why you are upset.  However, I think this isn’t the worst transgression in the world–if he were still sleeping with them, he *would* be lying by omission, and he would be a horrible dude.  Not telling a SO everything about your exes or friends is not a hangable offense to me.  If you think it is, that’s fine.  But he has to know that you think so before you can make his omission into a huge breach of trust.  Explicit expectations are always better than unspoken ones.  There are very few unspoken norms in dating, and the discord on this thread speaks to the fact that your reasonable people will judge your fiance’s behavior differently.  How can he know that he did something bad, and modify his behavior accordingly, if he never knew he was supposed to disclose all past hookups?  You two should have a serious discussion about this, and it will be more productive if the conversation focuses on things you would appreciate from him (e.g. full disclosure) rather than personal attacks on him or these two women.

Post # 48
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@jaia07:  my question is WHY? Why are they even still “close” to be even invited!?

Post # 49
Member
634 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@jaia07:  If you are going to treat his past sexual relationships as a big deal, you should have done that PRIOR to agreeing to marry him. Hopefully this hostility is just you letting off steam to strangers, but if not, if I were in his shoes, I wouldn’t be volunteering up my sexual history either. 

In any case, who cares if they come and see the marriage they didn’t get offered? I mean, you’re clearly the one he chose.

Post # 50
Member
11515 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

I would be annoyed that he’s still friends with exes that I didn’t know were exes.

BUT I don’t know all the people that FH has slept with, I know his number (or what he tells me it is) he knows mine.  There are a few mutual friends that are exes/hook ups of mine.  When we started dating I made sure FH knew about it so he didn’t find out from someone else (I was pretty sure he knew already but I wanted to be sure).  These aren’t people that we’re close to any more and none are invited to the wedding.

 

Post # 51
Member
13997 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Maybe he just thought he was returning the favor by sending that girl a STD.

This is not about being secure, it was about being honest and he wasn’t. As we can see on this thread,  reasonable minds can  differ on the subject of exes at a wedding.  The onus was on Fiance to find out how YOU felt since he was  the one with the information. 

It does not sound as if there is  any compelling reason for an invitation even if they weren’t exes. I usually say STDs are engraved in stone for  a wedding invitation to follow, but no way would I invite them if you are not comfortable with their presence.  He’s the one who would have to explain that one.

And are you kidding me that all of this was on a “gossip” website?  Who wrote it Future Brother-In-Law or FI?  If Fiance I’d really be questioning his judgment. 

Post # 52
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think the issue is that he didn’t tell you he’s hooked up with these friends. Im good friends with an ex. Fiance and I had a fantastic time at their wedding as we hope they do at ours. Fiance knows we didn’t sleep together though.  It’s been more than a decade since we dated.

Post # 53
Member
6013 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Meh so he had a past.  It’s not like he slept with them since you’ve been together.  I can’t imagine what a pain in the arse it’d be to sit down and go thru the guest list line by line and ask .. have you, DH, slept with this person? how about this one?  Or him asking me the questions.   It’s in the past, you’re about to have his child .. .he’s marrying you.  

I mean if your looking for things to get pissed about or add more things to stress yourself out about i suppose you’re doing it with this.  I would be a little shocked he hadn’t told me before… but i’d probably tease him about his past and call it a day.  

Post # 54
Member
982 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I honestly don’t get the issue. I understand being a little taken aback at first but it’s not like they are currently sleeping together. If he values their friendship enough to get invited to your intimate wedding, shouldn’t that outweigh the fact that they had sex way back when?

Post # 55
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

So I admit I only just skimmed the thread….did you really find this information out on a gossip website?  How does that even happen?  Who the hell puts the details of their sex life on a gossip site?  All of this sounds very immature to me, although that could be entirely my fault because, like I said, I’m really bad about just skimming posts….

Post # 56
Member
13997 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Wait, he admitted previously that he was “on” a gossip website as in he posts there or as in he’s  been “outed”  there?

Honestly, I think counseling is a good idea.  It’s not just about exes, but theoretically about anything inconvenient to tell you.  No reputable therapist will think that what he did is OK and the fact you say it was completely intentional  makes it even  worse.  Sorry, the past is the past, but the  minute he brings these women into your  life it becomes your business. 

Post # 57
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Who is your Fiance that he once got mentioned in a gossip website??  

 

Also I think you are over-reacting. He’s friends with women he once slept with.  He invited his friends to his wedding.  If he’s not sleeping with them now behind your back, I do NOT see what the big fuss is about.  

 

 

Post # 58
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I don’t think it’s a big deal to invite exes to the wedding. I’m very good friends with an ex or two, and my fiance has met some of them and likes them. I don’t think your fiance has been deceitful by not saying that he’d slept with these women YEARS ago. It was a long time ago, it probably doesn’t matter to him, and he can’t un-sleep with them, anyway. (How was he supposed to bring it up? “Oh, by the way, back in 1999, I slept with So-and-so”? That would be weird.) I think that you should let this one go.

With that said… I second the suggestion that you both try some counseling. Counseling doesn’t mean there’s something “wrong” with either of you, but it does seem like your communication styles aren’t meshing. And it sounds like you’re perhaps feeling insecure — so it’s worth exploring what is behind that. It may sound corny, but learning how to express your wants/needs/feelings is ESSENTIAL before you get married. And I think it’s really important for you two to agree on what kind of communication you want to have around past sexual partners. Maybe that means laying it all out, or agreeing that certain topics are off limits. A counselor or therapist can be an excellent sounding board and mediator so that you two get all of this ironed out before you marry.

 

Post # 59
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I know lots of people have different perspectives, but why would any bride want to look out from the altar and see other women their husband has deposited his sperm inside? Um? Why? It’s just totally beyond me. Then again I’ve never understood the “let’s just be friends” thing to begin with.

So uncool that he was dishonest, OP. I would be beyond pissed.

Post # 60
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
@Magdalena:  +1 

Something about seeing exes/flings in the context of an intimate wedding feels weird to me. There are exceptions for people that are stil very close to their ex in extenuating circumstances, but generally no I wouldn’t want them there. (I grew up with my ex and his parents are for all intents and purposes my adoptive parents and their whole family is like blood to me.) 

Post # 61
Member
1990 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I wouldn’t have a problem with them being at the wedding, but I would have a problem with the fact that he did not disclose their history to me.  I’m actually okay with SO being friends with someone he has slept with, and I’m okay with hanging out with them too.  I just feel like by keeping their history from you, its like you were outside of a secret they had between them.  I would hate to be on the outside of that kind of secret. I do feel like what’s in the past is in the past, but if the person with whom you have a past history is still involved in your life presently, then your partner should know about your history. So yeah I would probably chew him out for keeping the secret, but I would still let the girls come to the wedding.

 

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