(Closed) Found out my ex’s Mom will move in with my Mom

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should I tell the future-in-laws?
    Yes, they have the right to know. : (14 votes)
    33 %
    No, why bother, it's not their business. : (24 votes)
    57 %
    Other. : (4 votes)
    10 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    67 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I voted yes, BUT I don’t really think they have a “right” to know.  I just think that it is likely that they will find out if they spend any time at all at your mom’s house.  It would be better if they heard it from you or your Fiance, rather than finding out from someone else.  If they find it out from someone else, it will seem like you have been hiding it from them and they will probably wonder what other things you have been hiding from them.

    I don’t think you have to make a big to-do about it though.  If it’s normal for you to talk about your family to them, then the next time your family comes up, you can be like, “Oh, yeah, my ex’s mom is renting a room from my mom”, and then move on with the conversation.

    Post # 4
    Member
    5823 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I think you need to stop referring to her as “your ex’s mom.”  She is your friend.  She is your mom’s friend.  The only thing I would stipulate is that she DOES NOT let your ex come over.  I don’t know if that’s even a possibility, but I think it’s ok for you to be friends with her, as long as it doesn’t mean your ex will be lurking in your life.  As long as he’s not a welcome guest, then just start referring to her as your friend.  Don’t make it weird.  Divorces come with prices, and one of those is people choosing sides.  She chose yours.  I don’t think you need to explain it all to your FI’s parents.  Your friend, your mother’s friend, is staying with your mother.  End of story.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1426 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    I agree with MightySapphire.  If your ex has no relationship with her then I think you can safely start thinking of her as your friend and your mother’s friend, rather than your ex’s mother.  I do think it would be a good idea to let them know that you are divorced, but the details of the divorce and the info about your mom’s new roommate aren’t something you need to tell them about.

    Post # 6
    Member
    67 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I also wanted to add to my post that I think it also depends on how close you are to you future ILs.  I’m not that close to mine,  They are nice enough people, but we just don’t really have much in common (other than Fiance of course, LOL) and they live far away.

    If you are trying to develop a close relationship, I think it would be odd not to mention your first marriage.  I mean, maybe I’m the odd one out, but if I thought I was close to someone and found out that they had something big in their past that I didn’t know about (and a prior marriage seems like a pretty big thing in my book), I would tend to think we we weren’t really all that close after all.  I’d probably pull back from the relationship.  I wouldn’t disown them or anything like that, but I would tend to think that the closeness was all on my side and I’d put some distance back into the relationship.  JMHO.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2889 posts
    Sugar bee

    I also agree that she’s more of a family freind than you’re ex’s mom at this point. I think you mom has the right idea by introducing her as a freind and it sounds like they will both be happy with the new living arangement. No need to complicate things with the in laws.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2004 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2008

    If it weren’t for the fact of that pesky blood relation between the ex-husband and his mom, you would have no problem with this whatsoever, right? Don’t let that get in the way! They don’t see each other, you like her, your mom likes her, she needs help. I see no problem with this. She is no longer your ex-Mom. Call her by her name, and your mom can truthfully call her her friend. That she is related to the man you used to be married to is now irrelevant. So I see no reason to make a fuss!

    Post # 11
    Member
    244 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    im not  sure i understand your last post, but if i do… there is no way that its appropriate for that woman to live under your mother’s roof. She is an acquaintance. it doesnt matter how bad your mom feels for her… she is not your family anymore and she has no business living with your family. i can see letting her stay until she gets a place with one of her friends or makes other arrangements.. but no more than a month tops.

    Post # 13
    Member
    454 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

    Really I do see this as something private, but I’m also like they have a right to know. It’s best that they know now before you’re married to their son, then they would feel like you tried to keep it from them.

    My cousin still has a relationship with her exMIL, she even takes her daughter (1yr) over to see her exMIL. When the time comes she will call exMIL by her first name with Mrs/ms in front of it Ms Faye (not real name). My cousin’s ex was a horrible man, controlling and cheated on her. Ms Faye loves my cousin and her daughter and thinks what her son has done to her was horrid. My cousin even still socializes with her ex’s stepfather, Ms Faye’s husband, and his sister and her children. I don’t see this as a big deal. Why should one stupid person get so much control over so many people’s lives?

    By the way, your mom is right, she’s goig to need the help with your grandpa. Alzheimers isn’t just a disease that attacks one persons memory. It’s the disease that ruins memories of all family memebers. My mom and I care for my grandma who has last stage alzheimers. It’s horrific disease and the more support your mom has the better it will be for your mom and your grandma.

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