(Closed) Found out my family invited 180 more people to wedding…

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 77
1926 posts
Buzzing bee

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@SapphireSun:  You’re so right about logistics, especially if they don’t have a noise permit for the wedding! 

Post # 78
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013


Post # 79
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2023

@jessicaashley:  Any news on how it’s going? I’m sure there are a ton of Bees waiting to hear how you’re doing, and hoping that the situation has been resolved for you.

Post # 81
4474 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

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@jessicaashley:  Sorry about all the drama, but you really seem to have taken a good perspective on this!

Post # 82
365 posts
Helper bee

OH MY GOSH this is nuts! And to think some bees stress out (rightfully so) to find out someone added 10 people to their list without asking!

If it’s any kind of option for you, I’d recommend a last-minute venue change, and not telling your father. (Or telling him at the very last minute, perhaps.) This way, you wouldn’t have to deal with the awkwardness of 180 people being turned away, or 180 extra people. Plus, I’d rather call 120 people I know to tell them of the change, than to call 180 people I don’t, and tell them not to come.

You, and your invited guests, can still have a lovely evening, without security guards, and parking problems, and standing-room-only.

But anyway, mostly I just have to say, I am sending you so many hugs right now. No bride should have to deal with this. Can you give your dad a per-head price for your wedding? How much are you planning to spend on each guest? Maybe if he knows that it’s an extra $2k or whatever, that’ll get through to him…

Post # 83
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@jessicaashley:  Goodluck dear. I hope many of them do not show up. If I got a late invite I know I would not.

Have your hostess explain that the dinner is only for those on the Bride and Groom’s list. All other’s were the father’s doing and they can not be accomidated to the dinner.

Post # 84
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Sorry that he’s still being a pill. You have a great perspective on this/great backup plan. I’ll be sending happy thoughts your way!

Post # 85
254 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

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@jessicaashley:  Thanks for the update, OP! Honey, you are basically a saint for not strangling your father on the spot. It sounds like you have a good plan to have extra desserts for anyone who might show up to the reception, and an extra bathroom! So important. I hope that your wedding is beautiful, not overrun with strangers, and that your dad doesn’t stress you out any more. Many hugs to you, and hope you have an awesome wedding!

Post # 86
10450 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2014

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@jessicaashley:  Good luck! You’re right to remember what’s important. I’m sorry it won’t be the wedding you wanted, but hopefully most of the extra guests do like you think and don’t show up. 
Oh and also your FH is a very lucky man to be marrying you. I couldn’t handle what you are handling very well!

Post # 87
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@jessicaashley:  *Hugs* to you, you seem to be handling this so well. All the best.

Post # 88
993 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Thanks for the update 🙂 we’ll be thinking of you this weekend.

Post # 89
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Send your invited guts food tickets. Tell him no one eats withot a ticket. If he wants his guests to eat, park, sit, etc, hand him the bill on what it’s going to cost him. How obnoxious and rude of him.

Post # 90
24 posts

@ this point, I would say call/text your 120 originally invited guests & move the wedding portion up by 1-2 hours, if that will work with your officiant/minister & the guests. Have your bridal party help with this & DO NOT LET YOUR DAD KNOW. It’s unlikely that you would be able to change the time of the dinner.

Put your groom in charge of getting security, which you absolutely need & which could be just some of his bigger buddies who can dress nicely, speak politely, & be firm. Set up a couple of pop-up tents for the guests that were invited by your dad, away from the main event. (perhaps down the road a bit). They will need a list of your “A” invitees (A=actual)

Buy 5 cases of wine (this bill should be footed by dear old dad), offer a glass to each of these guests and a handwritten, (photocopied) apology on nice paper, addressed to each. It isn’t their fault, just let them know that you did not know in time to contact them beforehand, indeed you didn’t have a complete list. Explain that you & your husband-to-be would have loved to include them, but did not have the financial resources to do so, etc. If you have moved your actual wedding time up, it will be a fait accompli by the time the “secondary” guests show up. Lift a glass in toast, thank them, and go back to your original guests. If you have an event coordinator, let him/her handle this part, but send them away. This will be embarrassing to your dad, but HE SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED.

At some point, after your honeymoon, apologize, again to both the A & B list “guests” & invite everyone to a potluck/BYOB BBQ on the anniversary of your wedding.

Then, call Dr. Phil. Your dad needs therapy.

Post # 91
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@Smart1:  —> LOVE THIS REPLY

Honestly if it was me I’d Elope… but then again I’ve had the Big White Pouffy Family Affair Wedding before, so I’ve had my share of the drama that goes along with that (sooo happy that this time round, Mr TTR and I are in our 50s and 60s, so that doesn’t have to be the case… we are Eloping to our Destination Wedding, and I am very pleased about that)

When I told Mr TTR about your situation, he too suggested that you take a radical approach if you can’t get your Father to see the light (which I take he can’t by the sounds of things… thanks for the UPDATE By The Way… much appreciated)

Either CANCEL this date entirely… post-poning to a later date (you may get your Vendors to give you credits)

OR change the location or time, or both.  And don’t tell your Dad etc.

OR call all your TRUE GUESTS and tell them that they need to have a copy of something with them in hand when they arrive, so SECURITY knows they are on the APPROVED LIST… be that an email you send out to them, or some sort of “ticket” etc that they have to pick up at a pre-set location from a certain person who has checked them in on the APPROVED GUEST LIST… BEFORE the Wedding.  No ticket… no entry.  Period.

Honey, I feel so badly for you.  Your Dad has way overstepped his bounds.

But you are right, at the end of the day, you’ll have married your honey, and can get on with your lives together (I wouldn’t blame you one bit if you left the Reception early after all this DRAMA… and decided just to get on with your Married Life… just you and Hubby)

Do come back to WBee and give us further UPDATES as things unfold… Because I know there are a whole lot of Bees here who really care about you now…

(( HUGS ))


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