(Closed) Found out my FI is an alcoholic last night….

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’d say a good next step is to check out Al-Anon.  It’s a 12 step program for people who have loved ones who are alcoholics.  It’s a great support resource, especially as you’re sorting all of this infomation out.  The format really gives a good way to understand the best/healthiest way for YOU to respond to your loved one (rather than you trying to change their behavior).  

There’s online support groups/message boards, though also a lot of in person meetings as well.  http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting and http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html are two resources I found through google.

I recommend this based on personal experience…so you can send me a message if you want more specifics.  

I know how hard this situation can be…and having the realization can be really overwhelming.  So please get yourself some sort of support sooner than later.  It’s not something you need to/should have to deal with on your own.

Post # 4
Member
5 posts
Newbee

You must be very hurt, confused and frustrated right now. Your Fiance has won half the battle if he thinks he’s an alcoholic and he wants to get help. At least he is not in denial. He needs your support now more than anything.  Alcoholism is a disease, if your Fiance had high blood pressure would you look at that disease differently?  He would have to take medication for the rest of his life and you would have to monitor it as you would alcoholism.  I am not saying to overlook this issue, but  I suggest you look into http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ before making any rash decisions.

Post # 5
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

The fact that he acknowledges his drinking problem is HUGE!!!  This is good.  Just be supportive and help him to kick the habit, whether that be through a program or not. You might want to research effective ways to help someone.  If it were me I would probably just nag and fuss – which probably isn’t very effective.  

I don’t think he betrayed your trust.  I think he let himself down.  I don’t see this as him doing something to you.  He has done something to himself.  You are affected for sure, but it is indirectly rather than directly.  Try not to take it personally and instead try to be the helpmate that he needs you to be.  

Post # 6
Member
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1999

@cantbelievethis:  I’m sure your situation is upsetting.  I’ve been in love with an alcoholic before and was “blind” to his behaviors.  I missed multiple signs…realizing what was in his cup, the empty cases of beer in his closets, excuses why he didn’t have consistent work, etc.  This man would NOT admit that he had a problem when I confronted him on multiple occasions and I knew he would NEVER change in a million years.  I think your Fiance has A LOT going for him!  Just like you said, he hasn’t been doing this for years, he seems motivated to change, he doesn’t want to be like his family members, and most importantly he wants to get help!  Of course, it will be hard for you both, there will be struggles…but with love, support, and the right program, he CAN overcome this!! Don’t beat yourself up for missing the signs, just look to the future and think positively.  As the PP mentioned, find a support group for yourself and research successful programs for your Fiance.  Also, in terms of the drinking while on your Honeymoon, you are probably going to have to withold your consumption.  You’ll have the most memorable time without alcohal.  Best wishes to you and your FI!!!   

Post # 7
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I second what 2ndtime is saying: admitting the problem is so so so huge. I come from a family of alcoholics, and some of them are in their sixties and still can’t admit it. Getting someone to the point of identifying the problem and seeking help is usually the biggest hurdle.

I understand your being frustrated, confused, scared, angry… all those emotions, especially because you were kind of clueless in the situation. But I don’t think your SO was “hiding” anything from you; I think he hadn’t come to terms with it himself. 

I’m not going to tell you it’s going to be easy because the road ahead isn’t going to be a piece of cake, but he sounds like he really wants help. If you support him in his decision to seek help, things can and will be okay. Sure, you’re not going to be able to drink on your honeymoon or at all together in the future, but isn’t that a small thing compared to the fact that you’re marrying the man of your dreams?

Hang in there, and be proud of your SO for this huge step.

Post # 8
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

What about postponing the wedding for awhile while the two of you work through this?

Post # 9
Member
6351 posts
Bee Keeper

My father and my daughter’s father are both alcoholics. It is a tough road. Neither one of them would admit they had a problem until they got really sick. It is a very good thing your Fiance is trying to get help.

What worked for my father, was a steady dose of AA and he was hypnotized to quit drinking. He’s been sober now for six years but for him it means not being around alcohol at all. 

Al-Anon really helped me too. My father was a bad, bad man when he was drinking and I was his favorite punching bag. That is a lot for a young girl to handle. Talking to people in the same situation and realizing it WAS NOT MY FAULT helped so much.

 

Post # 10
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If you love him, help him. Thats what marriage is about anyway.

Doesnt mean you yourself will never be able to have another glass of wine. My FMIL’s boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic going on 14 years sober. We drink around him and carry on with our own lives as always. He said he has no desire to drink and that alcohol is a part of life, he has accepted that it will always be around him.

I told him about this post and he said that your Fiance needs to go into AA. It would be good for the family to go with him but he really needs to do it himself. In his words, “AA saved my life.”

I agree with the other PP who said that this is a disease and should be treated as one… with care, healthy behavorial changes and lots of love.

Good luck to you!!

Post # 11
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think its a great first step that he is admitting that he has a problem. AA is a great tool. My husband’s mothers side is riddled with alcoholics, and hubs was showing tendencies towards having a problem. We worked through it, and now he’s fine. We very rarely drink to get drunk, usually just having a beer now and then at home, or going out for a few drinks with friends every once in a while. But, this definitely doesn’t work for everyone.

His uncle has been clean for 15 years, and can be around people drinking with no desire to drink at all. His mom, on the other hand, won’t admit she has a problem, and we haven’t spoken to her in over a year, and may never again. She has alienated her family, and doesn’t seem to care, other than telling anyone who will listen that its not her, its us. Its really sad, but until she can admit there is a problem,there’s no hope for a solution.

Don’t beat yourself up about not seeing it before. But be prepared for the commitment that needs to be made on both parts, to help nip this in the bud before it becomes too serious for either of you to handle. Sounds like things will definitely end up successfully

Post # 12
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I do think it’s great that he admitted he had a problem. You need to remember that this is a disease and that relapse is a possibility at any time. You need to become very aware of his behaivor going forward. I dated a recovering alcoholic at one point and it totally changed my entire life. I couldn’t drink, he didn’t want to be around friends and family who were drinking, and he asked that if we ever lived together that I wouldn’t let anyone bring any liquor into our home. For me, even though I know it’s just alcohol, it was too much of a change. We missed out on events and nights out with friends and family too much because he didn’t want to be around alcohol. You need to decide wether you’re also ready to make a huge change in your life as well.

Post # 13
Member
5921 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I agree with the others – the fact that he admitted he has a problem and actually wants to get help speaks so highly of his resolve. 

Post # 14
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Al-Anon is a great resource for you, as you will be able to hear the stories of other family members who are going through this tough time….after a few meetings, you might be better suited to make a decision about your future and about the future of your children.

Fiance admitted it to you and that is a very good sign….best of luck to you both.

Post # 15
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Bubu82: I think this is a great idea. No need to explain WHY to people. 

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