Post # 1
Background: DH and I have been together since 2005, married since 2010. He is 28 and I am 24. BIL is 23 and FSIL is also 23. They have been together 2 years.
BIL and FSIL are getting married in 2 weeks. I was really excited about having a SIL and have tried very hard to bond with her, but after 2 years she still hasn’t opened up to me or DH even though we try so hard. The whole time they have been together she has never once asked us anything about ourselves.. Yet she isn’t shy, or quite. I thought that after the wedding, she might come around a bit more.. I doubt that know though.
DH and his brothers went to a boys lunch yesterday and I went to pick him up and hung around for a bit. BIL had a few drinks and opened about a few things:
1) she can’t stand our wedding photos because his ex is in them.
2) she wants to beat DH and I to having a baby and will be really angry if I get pregnant first.
3) she lied to BIL about who she was inviting to the wedding and told him infront of MIL. It was really awkward and they had a big fight as money is already tight.
4) she pressured BIL to build a house but they are both at Uni and work part time and are struggling $$ because I this, but she still spends recklessly and gets angry of BIL confronts her.
5) BIL works big hours and is often tired, she gets angry if he is too tired for sex and yells. She said if they don’t consummate on the wedding night she will divorce him. She doesn’t want him drinking to ensure they can have sex.
These are all very private things, that have been discussed between a woman and her future husband. She never intended us to know these private things.. And I know that I shouldn’t not like her because of these things, but I don’t like her.
What to do bees? What to do?
Post # 3
@chubbypanda: Personally I never rely on second hand or one-sided biased information. He was venting so just ignore it and not let it affect your feelings towards your FSIL. But you should probably have stopped him and told him it was making uncomfortable. It is always better to not get in between fighting spouses especially when you are only hearing one side and especially when it is family.
I mean there are a million posts on here with bees complaining about their partners. It is what people do. Find a safe space and vent.
Post # 4
@chubbypanda: …why is he marrying her? If he bothered to open up to you about those things, I think might have said “you know those are big red flags? Just think long and hard about them, don’t just go into this to save face.”
I don’t know what else to say. Cat’s out of the bag, and even if you shouldn’t have been told those things, you were. And you have every right to dislike her because of them. Being angry at the thought of you guys getting pregnant first is absurd. Threatening to divorce him if he doesn’t have sex the night of the wedding is full on crazy territory. She sounds like the type who would poke holes in condoms. 0_0
Post # 5
as you say, they are very private issues. And remember, you only heard one side of the story, and after BIL had been drinking. It may not even be the whole truth. I would do your best to put it out of your mind, and certainly never mention it to FSIL.
Post # 6
@rebelsquest: I would never, ever say anything, but it’s in my head now! DH and I are (secretly) trying for a baby, and I feel like knowing she will be angry will take away the joy of sharing the news with the IL’s.
Post # 7
I think you have to give FSIL the benefit of the doubt on this one. Wedding stress can bring out the worst in anyone. If their wedding is in 2 weeks, BIL is probably just stressed and venting his frustrations. He obviously is marrying her for a reason, i highly doubt he has been duped into marrying her. Even if what he says is true, i still find them to be relatively minor issues.
Post # 8
Is your BIL a glutton for punishment? I think your DH should have a heart-to-heart talk with him and get him to ask himself if a life with her is what he really wants.
Post # 9
@chubbypanda: from the soubds of it…she is extremly immature.
She hates your wedding photos bc BILs ex is in them? What does she want you to do? You had no ides they would break up and even that irrelevant!
She wants to get pregnant before you? Well thats the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard, you have been married longer and have been together longer. So it would make sense for you to get pregnsnt first.
If I were you, I wouldnt try anymore to have a relationship bc I wouldnt want a relstionship with someone who is so childish
Post # 10
Live your life and not focus on it. Everyone in life doesnt have to like you or your life decisions. Oh she’ll be mad if you get pregnant, oh well. She will suck it up.
Post # 11
Sounds to me as if your BIL is the one with the problem here! The fact that he wants to share such personal information suggests that he’s far from happy with his FI.
My advice would be to worry less about the details he’s shared and more about why he’s shared them. Is he just having a vent at a very stressful time or is this evidence that he’s getting serious cold feet?
Either way, you need to tread carefully. It never pays to take sides and quite honestly, it never helps to rely on one-sided reports. So I certainly wouldn’t take any of this up with her. If they are having problems then they need to sort them themselves.
In reality, your FSIL has no influence on when you get pregnant so ignore that. The same goes for your wedding photos since you can’t turn back time.
Sure, I can understand why this discussion has left you thinking how difficult it will be to get closer to your FSIL but right now, I’d steer clear!
Post # 12
@chubbypanda: He told you all of this information when he was tipsy, and probably needed to vent.
You don’t know EVERY detail of their relationship, and for good reason. Take it with a grain of salt. I feel like he was stressed, and probably exaggerating… Even if all of this is entirely true, you don’t know when or why they even discussed these things. You’ve been fed nibbles of information about your FSIL, don’t let it change your relationship.
Post # 13
honestly, all of these issues sounds like her problems. she sounds superficial.
just be the best wife, dil, sil you can be. her true colours will come out to all eventually.
Post # 14
A man you’re not in a relationship with told you private things about his relationship and his sex life with his fiancee? That’s where I’d focus my attention. That is wholly inappropriate for him – you do not complain to another woman about the woman you’re in a relationship with. Nope. Totally inappropriate.
Post # 15
You do nothing. Let him make the mistakes and learn from them.
Post # 16
I would let it go. Maybe she didn’t want to persue a relationship with you because of BIL’s ex…though that’s not your fault. That probably wasn’t smart of BIL to say all that because it sets up a negative relationship for you and his future wife, but like a PP said..I guess he was venting. I would go on and do you and forget about that.