(Closed) Found out something about an old friend, not inviting him to the wedding.

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 4
680 posts
Busy bee

@NatureLoverBride:  Don’t invite him. If you haven’t talked in months, chances are he won’t really care anyway. 

Post # 5
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Yea, I would be good with that.  Some people are gonna pop up and say ” if you send an STD, you should send an invite”

My thoughts are this:

1. He cheated on your friend. Awkward and bad business all around.

2. He hasn’t made any effort to talk to you since they broke up a few years ago.

So I say its ok to not send him an invite

Post # 6
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I guess I understand how you feel, but I look at these things differently.  People can make mistakes, and it’s not my place to judge mistakes of someone’s past. 

I do want to know why you told J about O cheating on her.  I was involved in a similar situation, and a friend told me.  Her and I are no longer friends.  I didn’t understand why she told me something unless it was to hurt me or make me feel bad.  If they broke up and it’s all over, I’m not sure why you would feel the need for her to have that information.  I don’t think it’s very helpful to her.  They are already broken up, so it seems strange to me.  

If you don’t want to invite him anymore, you shouldn’t. 




Post # 7
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Morally another person on your side of this issue…

PLUS you obviously have a much closer relationship with J / Your Bridesmaid… even BEFORE you became aware of all this drama between her and O

So ya, in your shoes, my allegiance would be to her.

As to the Invite situation…

As an Etiquette Snob, I can tell you that you are fine.

There is no Invite extended until one has an OFFICIAL INVITATION in hand.

A STD, is merely a “head’s up” notification that an event is in the works.

(Must add, I am not a fan of Save-The-Date Cards, because more often than not we see here on WBee many Brides who find that situations change drastically between their Engagement when they enthusiastically send out their Save-The-Date Cards chipper to share their GOOD NEWS with the world… and the reality that comes with Wedding Planning… in that sooooo much can happen in the span of time from Engagement to Marriage / Wedding)

So etiquette wise, you are off the hook on this one

IF he did have the *balls* to show up at the Wedding all the same … then he’d be clearly in the wrong.   (So we will assume he won’t because your STD shouldn’t have had much in the way of details on it)…

Hope this helps,


Post # 8
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think it’s fine that you don’t send him an invite… you said it’s been a while since you spoke, and he seemed to lose interest in carrying on the friendship even before you told J what he did, so I doubt he would come anyways.

Post # 9
696 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@MrsTVLover:  +1, that was kind of my thought too if they were already broken up what useful purpose could that information hold for her? I think it would just hurt her and I wouldn’t have bothered bringing it up since it was long over and done with.

That being said, I would not invite him either and think you are totally in your right not to extend him an invitation given the recent events and knowledge.

Post # 10
2497 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m confused as to why (1) you thought telling her would be a good idea after they both already moved on, and (2) why she felt compelled to tell him that you told her.

Post # 11
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MrsTVLover:  I have to agree with this.  You said you didnt get involved or take sides. They broke up, its done with. If you found out DURING their relationship yes i would think you should tell her. But since they are broken up and moved on, talking about it only hurts her. 


Post # 12
7405 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@MrsTVLover:  +2. 


I don’t understand this moral high ground people seem to put on invites to their wedding. Good people do bad things from cheating on SO’s to cheating on their taxes. Nobody is perfect. You now longer have a relationship with him, fine don’t invite him. But I’m sure there plenty of other people in attendance at your wedding who have made the same if not worse moral transgressions. This why I always say stay out of grown folks business. 


Post # 13
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@NatureLoverBride:  if your date posted is correct, i would expect your invites to be already out.  if not, don’t bother sending him an invite.  i’m sure he wouldn’t miss it.

@somethingaquamarine:  i agree.

Post # 14
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Normally I’m in the ‘if you sent an STD they need to be invited’ camp, but I wouldn’t send him an invite either. He’s not family, he hurt and lied to one of your friends/BMs, and it’s not like you have any intention of keeping him in your life as a friend from the sounds of it.

Post # 15
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@bklynbridetobe:  No kidding. If i decided i was going to univited anyone that has ever cheated, my own Future Brother-In-Law would be out of the wedding. 

Post # 16
7651 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I wouldn’t invite him just because you haven’t talked to him in quite some time.

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