(Closed) Found out something and I'm upset. Am I in the right? And how to handle it?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
5870 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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anonymoussecake:  I think it’s fine that he slept with someone.  Sounds like that was part of the process that lead him back to realizing you were the one he wanted to be with, and you both agree that you were broken up.  I wouldn’t be hurt about that.  

I would be hurt and angry that he lied to you when you asked him though.  As you said, you re-entered the relationship under false pre-tenses and that’s not fair.

That said, I wouldn’t let this destroy your relationship.  He didn’t cheat and he took some pretty good precautions for your health (getting tested), although not perfect.  Sexual histories are a tricky question – the idea that one partner has a right to know is very contentious and there are good arguments on both sides.  Some would say you put him between a rock and a hard place by asking because if he’d refused to answer he would have basically admitted his guilt.

Don’t sweep it under the rug.  You have a good relationship, work though this and build it back up.  It’s possible to come out fo this conflict stronger, and it’s good it came up pre-marriage.

Post # 17
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I see why you’re hurt and it sucks he lied but at the end of the day I don’t think it’s any of your business what he did while broken up or before you met. I think it’s wrong to hold it against him personally but all that matters is if you can get past this of not.

Post # 18
Member
516 posts
Busy bee

She has a right to know if nothing else her sexual health.  Lying so that you can get what you want is NOT ok!

Post # 19
Member
2449 posts
Buzzing bee

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shesheb:  To play devil’s advocate: if, as the OP said, he was tested for everything but HPV (which there isn’t a test for for males), came out negative on all accounts, and she wouldn’t have changed anything with regards to his STD testing…then what real difference would it have made regarding her sexual health if he told her or not?

The only thing I will say is that IMO he really should have been tested at 1, 3, and 6 months in order for the tests to have been most accurate (due to the possibility of false positives/negatives and the fact that it takes longer for tests to pick up diseases like HIV and herpes). 

Post # 20
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Home

Sorry, just catching up on this. I agree with most of the other bees. There is no right or wrong answer and only your gut can decide for you. Not having all of the info, and from an outsider’s perspective, I see why he did lie, and he’s probably kicking himself for doing that. And by him admitting it, it showed he felt guilty. I used to believe in full disclosure in relationships, but now I don’t. I don’t really care to know what my husband’s past is, you know? Most of us have a past, let’s leave it there. Talking about it stirs the pot in a major way. Nothing good comes from it, IMO. The other thing is that he’s really trying to do no wrong by you and he probably is putting you on a pedastal. What if he felt painted into a corner and felt he couldn’t tell the truth? I’m not saying this is your fault at all. It was his choice to lie. He’s probably trying so hard to win you back that he couldn’t admit that he did this. I’m not saying to go back to him or not go back to him because only you can decide what angle from which to view this. What I can say is that humans are not perfect…we screw up and do/say the wrong things. Again, not defending him, because I will also say that the lie would have crushed me. Give yourself time to think and process…rushing and being hasty is not the answer.

Post # 21
Member
982 posts
Busy bee

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anonymoussecake:  My biggest issue would be that he lied. You’re right – he didn’t cheat, but given your issues with HPV, it would have been appropriate to let you know. But on the other hand – he did get tested (although like you say, things like HPV can’t be detected in men unless they show visible signs, and you having one type of HPV doesn’t mean you’re immune to the others, and the same goes for HSV-2 testing) so it seems he did regard his (and your) health by doing so….but at the same time, when asked, he could have said ‘yes I did sleep with someone else but had an STD screen afterwards’. It just means that when the truth eventually comes out, you’re left wondering why he didn’t just come clean.

Post # 22
Member
1382 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

First, I think you need to stop yourself from thinking that his hook-up means anything about how he felt about you. Some people will try to comfort a broken heart with meaningless sex. But they don’t really care about the person they sleep with, they don’t even necessarily like them. And maybe how crappy that feels in comparison to sex with someone you love is the slap in the face he needed to realize just what he had lost. That was the context in which he brought it up the other night, right? How much trying to date others sucked? So you may not like that he dealt with losing you in that way, but it DOES NOT mean he missed or loved you any less than you did him. I suspect that thought is what is hurting you the most, and you need to let that go.

 

Now, I disagree with other bees about whether you had the right to know. Some Save-The-Date Cards take a while to show up. When I was with my ex we used condoms at first, got tested at the beginning of the relationship and tested three months in, that’s the only way to catch stds that take a while to show up. Only then did we ditch the condoms. When I went abroad for a year, we discussed if we wanted a break. He didn’t. But I gave him a choice: we could decide then and there that we would use condoms and get tested again like the start of the relationship when I returned no questions asked, or we would have to disclose if we had other partners. I didn’t want pressure to lie if he strayed to put my health in jeopardy. If you were having comdomless sex, you deserved to know for your health about other partners. 

I understand you are upset that he lied and that you feel he took away your control over your health by lying when you trusted him. A year later, you know that lie did not have health consequences, but I understand it still hurts that he lied. He shouldn’t have. But I’m sure part of what he was scared of was that you wouldn’t understand or believe that him having sex with someone didn’t mean he loved you any less. It was a failed attempt at coping. And you don’t see the fling that way, it is making you doubt his love. That doesn’t justify his lie, I think he was wrong to lie for sexual health reasons, but I understand his reasoning.

I think you are upset about the lie, which is justified, but I think you are mainly upset because you think it means he loved you less than you him. Please try to let that go, and sepearately that upset from feelings about him lying. See a therapist to talk through and sort out your feelings. You’ll need to be able to let go of it so you stop hurting yourself with it, and let him regain your trust. He loves you, he didn’t cheat. Hold on to that.

 

Post # 23
Member
947 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

That’s how guys try to move on. They rebound. Hell, that’s how I try to move on after a breakup even though that response is atypical for a lot of women. So it’s not that he wasn’t missing you. He was.

But he’s a liar and he put your health at risk. You deserve better.

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