Post # 1
Hi Bees! I’m actually already a bee but I’m posting anonymously because my normal username isn’t very discreet. So Fiance and I got engaged about 6 months ago after 6 years of dating. We have a great relationship and we’ve always been extremely open with each other about everything over the years, even when it came to porn. We’ve even had many conversations about what he’s into watching and I never judged. I was never THAT bothered by any of it until today.
So earlier when Fiance was in the shower I wanted to look up a pork tenderloin recipe for dinner tomorrow. I grabbed his phone which happened to be in front of me (side note: we use each other’s phones all the time it’s never been a big deal) and when I typed in “po..” I saw “pornobaes.com” come up in his keyboard predictions. Nothing like this had ever happened before. I genuinely wasn’t trying to snoop in any way but it was right there in front of me. So out of curiosity I clicked it to see what would come up next in the word predictions. Bad idea.
Some background info: Since we began dating when we were pretty young, I was his first but he was not mine. My first time I was 15, and I was raped. It took me a long time to recover emotionally. Fiance knows all about this.
Anyways, what I saw was about the farthest thing from what I was expecting. First I saw “mistreated” then I saw “bride” and my stomach sank just from the thought of what he could be watching. After he came out of the shower I went in the bathroom and on my own phone searched “mistreated bride porn” and everything that comes up is basically hardcore rape videos (fake but still horrible) featuring a bride. I felt sick. I mean, I’m about to be a bride. I was raped. Could something that was such a huge trauma from my past actually be a turn on for him? Like… he gets off on that? Fiance has always been loving and caring. I thought I knew his fetishes and I’ve NEVER judged but this? I know it’s “just porn” and it’s not “real life” and he’s never EVER hurt me… but now I can’t help feeling kind of afraid. I’m afraid that deep down he gets off on the idea of hurting me. Idk. Am I overreacting because of my past? Or should I be concerned?
Post # 2
That is such a tough one. On one hand, they are fake and he is entitled to get off to whatever he wants (providing it is legal). But on the other hand, it is so horribly insensitive to you. Since he did nothing technically wrong but still none the less something horribly insensitive, I would advise you discuss it with him and explain how you found it, and while you don’t mind him watching porn, the content of that particular porn is far to close to home for you to feel comfortable with. See how it goes from there.
Post # 3
I think you could be SERIOUSLY overreacting. Many porn sites have pop up sites that could have been saved in his phone. Sometimes I’ll type in a site that I always go on and something completely different will be suggested and accidentally I’ll go onto it and it will be in my history and will always pop up in suggestions.
Stop your imagination and just tell him a site that popped up freaked you out and see his reaction. It’s probably nbd.
And in all kindness, it doesn’t sound like you’re 100% healed from the rape and counseling would be a good idea.
Post # 4
I just googled “mistreated bride porn” and all that came up was some hentai 🤔
Post # 5
I completely understand why you feel the way you do. That had to be really hard to see and it makes absolute sense that you’d identify with the bride given that you’re about to be one!
That said- I don’t think watching any kind of fetish porn necessarily means you want to engage in that activity. And watching rape porn doesn’t mean you are ok with actual rape. Most of those full videos show an interview with the “victim” before talking about the upcoming scene and that she likes filming them or whatever, so that there is no room for misunderstanding that she is a willing participant.
Also, keep in mind that the url doesn’t sound like it’s all that sort of porn. You saw one video with that sort of title, but maybe that’s one of thousands and the rest are more mundane. You googled specifically punishment and brides… he didn’t. So… I think it’s worth talking to him about it. You came upon it innocently and if that is what he’s watching it would be good for him to know that you’re uncomfortable with it but maybe it was just one video that he happened upon himself and it’s not his thing, which would be good for you to know.
Post # 6
Seriously, just talk to him. It shouldn’t be a big deal if you use each other’s phones all the time. Try not to freak out until he says “yeah, I like that.”
Post # 7
I’m not exactly sure how word predictions work. Is it that he was actually looking that up or more like google filling it in?
I’d talk to him. There’s so much unknown here and I think you’ll drive yourself crazy wondering and feeling afraid when it might not be anything more than what you’ve already known about.
personally-I am probably a little extreme but I’m really not interested in being with somebody who’d be into even looking at that kind of stuff. If I knew about it, I’d be too turned off. I guess I’m kind of a “what goes in must come out eventually/what you think and fantasize about is who you truly are” kinda person. so I think it would be important to know if this is something he’s into and make your decision from there. Sure he can do what he wants but so can you. You don’t have to choose to be with someone who is into something that bothers you – if he is. But again – ask him. Go from there.
Post # 8
Agree that this could be a potential pop up hazard or something innocent like a joke I didn’t get on a cartoon (adult cartoon) so then I Google it.
Because I am crazy I would not confront him just yet. Instead I would go into the history cache to see exactly how much data has been used at that site. A large amount of data will be used for any types of video so he was looking at this type of porn on a regular basis you could see it in his data potentially. It was a one-time Google search it will not be very heavily weighted on the data.
Best to get all the evidence before confrontation. but most likely I think it’s nothing
Post # 9
Well this is just my 2 cents but I truly think it is nothing. As it is with porn, its fantasy. Its disgusting to you because of your past and your personal sensibilities but lots of men and women have rape fantasies. I think that if this is the one thing he didnt tell you about it is because he IS being sensitive to your feelings. men start looking at this stuff young so it truly has nothing to do with their mate. He sounds like an open honest and caring guy. I mean if he was really planning/harboring something he wouldnt leave his phone lying around with this stuff in the history. I know its scary for you and brings back horribleemories, tell him you accidently ran accross it, it upset you and wait for his response, itll probably make you feel loads better. Good luck!
Post # 10
Are you sure he was searching those topics? Did you check his history (vs search suggestions).
Post # 11
I think you need a frank discussion with him.
Post # 12
I think it’s also possible that he was looking for and/or watching something else and an add popped up and he was just like, “what the heck is this?”
I’d try not to jump to conclusions about your FI’s preferences or anything – adds pop up on the bee all the time that I’ve accidentally clicked on, and it brings me to Disney weddings or something like that. If my guy looked at it, he’d think he doesn’t know me at all when it was really just an accidental click. (I know it’s not the same, but I’m trying to make it a little relatable!).
Just talk to him – it’s very possible that it was an accident or he couldn’t believe what he was seeing or something.
Post # 13
Based on what you described I wonder if you were mislead down the wrong rabbit hole with your search? Seems like an odd connection from “porno baes” to “mistreated” and “brides”. Before getting too upset I would discuss with him.
Post # 14
I don’t really understand how even if he WAS watching that porn it’s insensitive? Fantasy is just that…fantasy. You said yourself he’s kind and caring, so again even if that is something he is into (and as PP mentioned, you don’t actually know that it is), it isn’t seeping into your sex life with him.
I totally understand that it’s triggering and upsetting for you….but I hate it when people try to police their partner’s fantasies. Especially because if it IS something he is into, he’s been considerate enough to keep you out of it, because i’m sure he knows how you’d feel….
Post # 15
When I read the title of this thread I thought it would be so much worse. Agree with PP who said all kinds of stuff can pop up once you show the web you want porn in your computer.
Taking it to mean your Fiance wants to see you hurt because of it is a stretch. Ask him about it, you shoudl be able to talk about anything.