Post # 1
I’m going undercover for this one…
FI and I have been engaged since January. We’ve been together 2.5 years. We live in the house he shared with his ex. The ex was a problem for over a year of our relationship. I could write a novel about everything she/he did. I’ll try to keep it short. She wanted him back, and he didn’t want to hurt her feelings so he kept a friendship with her. He knew I didn’t like it, but he did it anyway, first because he claimed she was texting him, and then because her father had terminal cancer (2 months into us dating). He didn’t tell her that we were dating, because he “didn’t think she could handle it.” Oh, and she cheated on him. He cared about her feelings more than mine. That year+ almost destroyed me (and our relationship – we went to counseling as a last resort). For the last 4 months, I’ve been feeling great about us and not thinking about the past. Today, that changed.
ETA: He cut off contact with her in January of 2012. She continued texting him a little while after but stopped because he wasn’t answering anymore. They saw each other at the gym in passing until she finally moved away in April of last year.
Since they shared this house together, I’ve found little bits and pieces of the ex (personal affects, etc.) since we started dating. Yesterday it was her handwriting on the filing cabinet tab dividers. Today, while cleaning, I found pictures of them in an envelope on a desk. I only looked through it because it had pictures of FI as a young child and I was curious. And BAM there, they were. They were kissing and being lovey dovey. He previously told me that all the pictures of her were gone. I had seen plenty of pictures of them together, and they were seared into my brain for a long time. But they weren’t kissy pictures like these. I cried for hours. I haven’t eaten today. Worst of all, I feel nothing for my FI. I feel numb. I haven’t been this angry since he bought her dinner without telling me a couple days before I moved in. It’s a scary feeling.
FI said he will do whatever it takes to make me feel better. He said he didn’t know the pictures were there. He said he will comb the house and eliminate every trace of her, per my request. I told him I wished she didn’t exist, and he said he wished the same. But I am back to square one, fixating on that evil bitch. I feel like I can’t take 3 steps in what is supposed to be OUR house without finding HER. There are no pictures of us laying around. Yes, I know most of this is my insecurity. But I had a damn good reason to be insecure, and I feel like crap right now so please don’t berate me.
Post # 3
I’m sorry, I know it must be hard on you having seen those photos.. Normally I would say not to be to upset because those are in the past but the fact that you fiancé still has a friendship with her and she has caused problems for you, I would be pissed too.. Maybe he thought he did get rid of all photos but who knows.. I would not want to live in the same house that my fiancé lived in with his ex.. I think you need to sit down with him and both of you need to talk.. You need to explain your feelings and let him know he needs to cut all communication with her point blank.. You are the woman he is going to Marry, not her and he needs to respect your decision and be on your side!! Good luck
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
My FI has an ex. I hate her, I found pics of them kissing on his laptop when i was cleaning it out. I found out a shirt he wore a lot when we got together she had bought him. Little bits of her just seemed to be everywhere. She cheated on him too.
but who has the ring on their finger??
You are obviously miles above on beyond this woman or FI would be running after her and not wifeying you
I say if youve gone to counselling and dealt with the past dont drag it into the present. This will do nothing but bring up old problems. Looking at his present situation – all he did was forget about some old photos – thats it.
Everytime you think about those photos look at the ring on your finger and remember who hes chosen and how shes now nothing .
Be happy!! 🙂
EDIT: If hes still friends with her I would ask him to make a decision to cut her. If not hes bringing the past into your present and its not resolved. This may need you to go sit in front of a counsellor again and hash it out
Post # 5
All of this is about your insecurity & likely low self esteem. If you know this is irrational, actively try to find healthy coping methods to move on. I know you’re feeling down, I just think a lot of this is unhealthy (your severe reactions) and that you’re doing yourself more harm than good commiserating like this. Get something to eat, take a bath, and a good night of rest and really rethink this in the morning.
Post # 6
I forgot to mention in my OP that he isn’t friends with her anymore and hasn’t talked to her since last year. But it wasn’t until we almost broke up that he cut her out.
Post # 7
Was the envelope out on the desk like they had been looked at recently? Or just among lots of other stuff? Because to be honest, I probably have pictures of me kissing an ex somewhere in my house. Because I haven’t bothered to look for them. I probably should at some point and get rid of them, but I’ve had more important things to do (like wedding planning and reading wedding bee 🙂 )
Post # 8
@lostandconfused4: I’m sorry but you are WAY overracting in my opinion. So what if he forgot about some old pics of his ex. Who is he with? you. Who did he propose to? you. Who is he going to marry? you. Why are you even thinking about this woman? Don’t let her poison your relationship with your FI, move on! Enjoy what you have, don’t let her ruin it.
Post # 9
While his continued relationship with her wasn’t healthy for a while, it seems to me that he may have forgotten those pictures were there. I could be totally wrong, but at this point, he has completely written her off and doesn’t talk to her anymore. Why would OLD pictures make you mad at HIM? Unless he intentionally kept them to look at all the time, I see this as a pretty harmless mistake.
To that end, you probably should never have moved into *their* home. It’s kinda asking for trouble. :/ He should have taken the initiative to clean it out of things that were hers, but he was bound to miss a few things here and there – and you have to be okay with that. You moved in KNOWING that it was previously her home, too. You guys should’ve (or maybe now you should) looked into a place of your own.
I’m sorry you’re so frustrated – but try not to take this out on your FI. I’m sure he doesn’t even care about those photos anymore, so neither should you. Most of us have past relationships, and our current partners need to accept that those things were in the past. You’ve gotta stop holding his against him. This is your issue, not his.
Post # 10
Everyone has a past and I believe they also have a right to keep a few mementoes of their previous life. The idea of having to get rid of everything from my past just doesn’t sit well with me…not because I want those exes back but because it is the story of my life. If my FI couldn’t handle it (or visa versa) then I would tell him I wasn’t the person for him.
Post # 11
How do I get the image of them kissing out of my head? It’s all I think about and it makes me sick.
Post # 12
My SO lives in a house he bought with his ex…Ive seen everything from photos to love letters….I dont really see the big deal, I mean everyone has had a past and im sure if I looked around my house id find something from my ex.. Im just gonna be brutally honest and tell you that you are overreacting and if you cannot handle the fact that he had some photos from his past or forgot about them, then your either not ready to be in a serious relationship or you need to find away to higher your self esteem
Post # 13
Lostandconfused, you need counseling.
Post # 14
I agree with @deetroitwhat in that this is more about you than her or your FI. Most people have a past that includes an ex, and that’s just reality. Yes, it might be hard for you to see the pictoral evidence, but that’s in the past. Why are you letting it affect you to this extent now? The degree of your reaction isn’t healthy for you or for your relationship. Your FI proposed to you, your relationship is on the right track and in a good place. Fixate on that! The chances are that he had no idea that those pictures are there, and is obviously making an effort to respect your feelings by agreeing to comb the house for anything else.
Feel better soon. Don’t let this negatively affect how far your relationship has come.
Post # 15
While it sucks to see the man you love kissing someone else, the fact of the matter is we have all (or at least the majority of us) kissed a former partner and there’s a good chance we took pictures of it too. Those pictures were from the past and have nothing to do with you now. That being said, I’m not sure why you are so angry with him. Ask him to throw away the photos and just move on from there. He’s with you, not her. Amd from your post it seems like if he really wanted her, he could be with her in a heartbeat! I agree with a PP rhat this is definitely your issue and not his.
Post # 16
@JLR1982: @cdncinnamongirl: I totally agree. As others have said, he is clearly with you now. If the photos were taken recently (i.e. if he had cheated on you), then that would be another matter entirely, but why should he have to destroy all evidence of any former girlfriends? I understand it makes you uncomfortable but, regardless of that, these photos are part of your fiance’s memories and experiences.
Just the other day, my cousin was showing me his baby photos, and I saw a photo of my dad hugging a strange woman (about 2 years before he met my mother). Mum wasn’t upset, dad wasn’t upset, no one cared! It’s just a thing that happened in the past – dad enjoyed seeing her photo and briefly wondered how she was doing, etc. but it’s not an issue at all for him to have had more than one girlfriend before marrying mum.
I’m sorry, OP, I’m finding it hard to be sympathetic towards you – your fiance has cut this woman out of his life for you, he is clearing the house of every evidence of her existence (because that will make her magically have never been in his life?), so why is it an issue for you to know that they kissed at some stage in their relationship?