(Closed) found pictures on my BF's phone

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it has got to be hard! 

I’d say that regardless of how you came across these photos, the fact is you know about them and now it’s time to figure out how to deal with it.

I would absolutely talk to him about it. Try and take some time by yourself (without the advice of the internet, which can just get overwhelming) and think about how you feel. Get your thoughts in order and make a mental list of the things you want to say to him before you confront him.

What you do after you talk to him is totally up to you, but go with your gut. If you just don’t feel right after you talk with him, then it’s probably a sign that you should cut your losses and dump him. That being said, if you haven’t talked to him yet and you just don’t feel like you can trust him anymore and you feel like breaking up is what you need to do – then that’s probably what you should do. Trust yourself.

I will say, if you talk to him and he immediately denies the photos exist or tries to play it down like “they’re just friends,” or “it doesn’t mean anything,” I think it’s a sign he’s sleazy and doesn’t respect you.

 

Good luck!

 

Post # 78
Member
4176 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

Im going to admit, i didt read all the previous comments so if i’ve missed an update i apologize! my advice to you is that you should talk to him before doing anything! His response could have just been the first thing that came to mind. It’s not “holy shit girl, that’s inappropriate” which most guys wouldnt say, but it wasn’t “oh yeah baby, need to get me some of that”. Either way, you should address it and let him know that this is inappropriate. If he turns it around on you and tries to make it about you snooping than he’s not sorry about it, he’s only sorry he got caught and is defending himself. I caught my Fiance sending inappropriate emails a year into our dating relationship. He never once turned it around on me, and was totally open with info after that. I find on here a lot of people jump to ‘he’s scum, run’ but boys are strange and they make stupid choices sometimes and some girls are skeezy, this isn’t necessarily a HUGE thing. After your conversation you’ll likely know in your gut where to go from there. Good luck!

Post # 79
Member
3563 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@sortawaitingbee:  I’m going to play devils advocate here, but is there any way that this was some sort of meme/joke between him and a friend?

On the other hand, I’d be upset…and I’d have a talk with him about it.  Let him try to lie/squirm his way out of it or apologize and man up.  If I couldn’t work past it, I’d leave. 

Post # 80
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’d be wondering what other texts he’s had on his phone that I hadn’t seen. This probably wasn’t a one time thing.

Post # 81
Member
4763 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Snooping is only ever considered bad by people who have something to hide……

I have nothing to hide soo people can snoop away!

I wouldn’t even give him a chance to explain because you can’t explain away those texts…..no excuse would ever make them appropriate.

I would pack his suitcase and pour some milk over the dude….and say

‘you wanted milk?…. here you go asshole!’

 

You deserve so much better than a cheater!

I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to have invested your heart and 2 years of your life into someone and have to walk away….but its better now than to give him another chance and to have to walk away in a few years when you have even more invested into the relationship. 

I would be more understanding of a guy cheating if he felt a                                 ‘real emotional attachment’ to someone, but in the case of your SO he is juggling two girls(that you know of) so its more of a sex and lack of fidelity thing. 

i’m sorry you are going through this. I hope you have the courage to do what is right for you.

Post # 82
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I think you will have to speak to him about, even if just to get closure. If you get a decent response from him, and you consider continuing with the relationship, I think it will,be hard because that deceit will haunt you. That is speaking from experience! 

 

let us know how you go!

Post # 83
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Red flags all over the shop. He shouldn’t have those pictures or be encouraging them, his response makes him sound like a total sleaze ball, he shouldn’t be lying to you, and clearly you don’t trust him or you wouldn’t have looked. 

People have different limits with whats ok in a relationship so you need to think about how you feel – personally like many previous posts this would be the end for me.

Post # 84
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

The “snooping” issue is one where we see a wide range of opinions here on the bee – we all seem to have our own ethics around the subject. The way I personally break it down is that if you are dating, it would be highly inappropriate to ever snoop in your BF’s phone or computer. But if you are living together in an exclusive intimate relationship or married, there shouldn’t be any reason to be protective of your communications with others. My husband is welcome into my phone or computer whenever he wants, and vice versa. I don’t think, then, you should feel that it was inappropriate to look in his phone.

But what you found when you looked! Yikes! At the least, it confirmed your thinking that something wasn’t quite right. As to what you’ll do about it, I think you already know. This man is immature and sneaky – and the thought of spending a life with a sneaky man – even if he might eventually mature a little – is too depressing for words. Muster your self-respect and make a break with this guy. You deserve better.

Post # 85
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Not okay. Tell him goodbye. Be happy you saw this side of him now when you can walk away.

 

Post # 86
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It’s a really big issue if your SO is secretive with thier phone. I would never allow a password (well one I didn’t know) or a constant vigil on the phone. I’d also be suspicious of large amounts of texts or phone calls. Or the volume purposesly being kept on silent. You should most definately speak to him about this, just to let him know you aren’t an idiot and know what he’s up to. After his pathetic response, which it will be, let him know that one of you is moving out and it’s permanent. I don’t think there is any point in finding any additional evidence on what this guy is doing. This is proof enough. anything additional will just be needlessly hurtful facts which at this point, you really don’t need to know.

Post # 87
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Everyone’s advice is really good (and hilarious!).  I also wanted to add my pov as well: the toll on you for staying with someone like this.

Staying with someone untrustworthy warps and changes a girl.  He’s already made you cross a boundary with his behavior that you know is wrong, and that makes you feel uncomfortable about yourself.  That’s not good.  Your partner should bring out the best in you, not the wrost.

I have a co-worker whose husband cheated on her early on in their relationship.  She forgave him, and they eventually married, however, it’s warped her. She’s obsessive, and spends all day at work GPS tracking his phone without him knowing it. 

That’s not a relationship, on either end.  End it now, and find someone who won’t change you for the worst.  You deserve to be open and happy, and trusting.

Post # 88
Member
657 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Maybe I am a huge b****, but I would get a carton of milk, put a tank top on it, and say on a note “Love Mom” and pack my crap and leave. You two aren’t married, don’t have any kids, or anything serious. Take finding that as a gift and run!

dont be Anthony Weiner’s wife!!!!

Post # 89
Member
657 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Oh yeah, I was cheated on in a prior relationship and I had that gut feeling. I forgave him, then had that gut feeling again and found something. 

Pin have never snooped through my fiancé phone, because in my gut I know he is a good man. You know something isn’t right

Post # 90
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Yikes! I’ve been in a very similar situation with my ex who I was with for 3 years. He was always quite possessive with his phone and computer. One day his phone wasn’t glued to him, so I checked his texts, and low and behold, he was texting some chick trying to get her to send him topless photos… yup!
I confronted him right away. We didn’t break up right away, it took me about a month to actually do it. There were lots of ways I was trying to understand how something like that could happen or I could have misconstrued it, but in the end I knew I wasn’t being treated how I should. For the month that I was with him after, I was miserable, and huge bitch to him, and he tried to act like nothing had happened. I finally got to the point where I said, I’m miserable with him, I might as well be miserable alone and in a position where I know I will eventually not feel miserable. BEST DECISION EVER.

Post # 91
Member
892 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

In my past relationship experiences, which have all ended with the other cheating on me, I am open about my insecurities and my Fiance knows that. We each check each other’s phones/emails/computers or whatever as often or as little as we want because frankly, I have nothing to hide and I don’t care if he goes through my stuff. I’ve never understood why people think that going through somebody else’s phone is completely out of bounds…it just doesn’t make sense to me. But to each his own.

I would address him directly and see which way he turns the conversation. That will tell you how you should handle the situation. If he freaks out and blames you for going through his phone, you have your answer. But if he comes clean and confesses to his wrongdoings, it is up to you how you want to direct your relationship from there.

I know how hard it is after you find something like that. But I know how yucky you feel if you decide to stay with them. In my eyes, that is cheating and innexcusable. Especially seeing how long you two have been dating.

I am sorry you have to deal with this and good luck with everything. *hug*

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