(Closed) Found some love letters from his ex…(long)

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
7902 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

Some people never throw these kinds of things away. To those of us who get rid of everything after a breakup, this can be hard to understand, but I have friend with love notes from their high school boyfriends and everytime they move, they pack these things up and take them with them even though they’re now married and some have families. Some people are just sentimental in a different way than the rest of us. I think it’s fair to let him know you have a difficult time dealing with that part of his personality that hordes all these momentos and you are certinaly right to be annoyed that she writes them, but he is right that he can’t stop her from sending him love notes. I would try to let it go and to be the bigger person. And maybe you two need to have a discussion about what will happen with such things when it’s time for you to move in.

Post # 4
Member
4136 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I don’t think you’re worng at all to question this recent letter.  The fridge things, like you I’d be put out but as you say, we all forget these things after a while (I was in the process of “relations” with my ex once and on the wall behind his bed was a picture of his ex, totally killed the mood).

Anyway, as for the recent love letter, it good you confronted him about it and remained calm.  I find it odd that he was defensive but not so much that he kept it.  My SOs ex wrote him a letter just after we got together and it was I, 18 months later, who threw it out.  He just forgot it was there. I agree that those things were obviously from separate occasions and it’s odd that they were together.  Does he tend to read in bed as opposed to on the sofa? This could be an explanation as to why they just got put there.

It’s your SOs defensiveness I’m more inquistitive about.  Is it often that you point out something of his exes? Could he have just been having a bad day and became reactive in his response? I think you do deserve an apology whether or not he still feels something for his ex.

If your SO knows you’re likely to go in his drawer, for lube or whatever. He’s either totally stupid or totally innocent.

Either way, I do think it’s odd that he would still have things round that are 7+ years old, but I also realise that a) he has a daughter who, depending on her age, has an emotional attachment to these things and b) you don’t know what you have until one has a proper clearout (I myself am clearing out my parents and have found all sorts of stuff from my highschool boyfriend).

I don’t think this is much help, sorry.  But I think it’s perfectly normal to be confused, and the only way to “understand” is good old fashioned convesation.

Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think you have every reason to be upset, and from what you posted as his response, he also seems verbally abusive…. at times. ie. Saying that he has another crisis to deal with because of what you found, or that you could walk around the house with him and throw everything away because he’s not allowed to keep anything, in other words blaming things on you… (This I know because I also have been in a bad relationship).

 

It’s clear that she still loves him and that is the reason she will not speak to you.  Just because she is married and/or having a baby does  not mean that she is over her ex. 

 

Your Boyfriend or Best Friend is extremely WRONG for keeping those letters, he should have told her altough he appreciated the kind words, that they are inappropriate  because of his relationship with you. I dont doubt he loves you but from what you described, it seems as if he still can’t let go of her either. I know that hard to hear. He also should have told you about the letters right away.

I think that he is making excuses, and poor ones at that. I question honestly if he has been faithful, due to the fact that he is obviously having an emotional affair with his ex wife. I understand him wanting to take his time introducing you to his daughter but 2.5 years is  a long time.

 

You should talk to him voice your concerns, ask him how he would feel if he found letter from YOUR ex that were sent during your and his relationship??? And I would also ask if hes still interested in his ex because his actions, or in actions make it seem as though he is.

 

 

Good Luck

 

 

Post # 6
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Sunset Harbour

I would be upset about the notes. Photos in his daughters room and such is acceptable though.

I think you should have a calm sit down with him and talk about what you will be doing with things from his previous marriage – like these notes – when you move in. Maybe they can go in a shoebox in the closet, so they will be out of the way, but not thrown out.

I wouldn’t jump with the ‘he’s being abusive’ thing, because honestly, moving on with his life and getting remarried, you moving in, it’s probably bringing up some tough emotional things right now for him. It may have come across to him that you want to erase his ex from your lives all together – which just wont be possible, and you seem to fully understand that. 

Sorry you are going through a tough spot, hugs to you. 

Post # 7
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I dunno. I tend to stick things in drawers and forget about them. It’s been four years, I have one room of a house and I am STILL finding shirt from ex. I wont lie, there are some things I won’t get rid of, because I am an overly sentimental person. I have a few rings he gave me and the notes that went with them.  However, I hate my ex with the scorching passion of a thousand flamethrowers on an ice cream cone. I don’t know why I keep them, I just do.

Prehaps he got defensive since, A. This hapPens so frequently

,B. you told him about it while he At work( comeon it could have waited untill he got home.)

AndC. In appropriate or not, they are stillhis things

Post # 8
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

I can understand why he’s frustrated about having to cover up the items of his past relationship, but in your defense, I agree that his reaction was a bit extreme, and that degree of defensiveness was uncalled for. By doing this, he is minimizing your feelings, and invalidating them. Most troubling to me however is a detail you spelled out, saying one of the letters was in response to one of HIS letters. As if to say HE was writing love letters during this time too? 

Is it possible they had a relapse in their relationship? That’s what my question would be. I would not have apologized, because he does have explaining to do on that front. Anything else around the house though, you can’t get too upset about because it was a valid part of his life, and he has a right of ownership to it. He cannot erase that it ever happened, but when things overlap, you are right to question it. And stand your ground here. Tell him he’s entitled to his PAST, but you expect your relationship to be uninhibited by her, and this is the origination of your present confusion.

Post # 9
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I can understand why you are upset, but I don’t think you should have been reading the letters.  If you do not trust him then that is a completely different issue – not to be resolved by looking for evidence.  I get that you didn’t go looking for this letter, but you did read something private that was not meant for your eyes.  Maybe he forgot, maybe he’s sentimental, but either way I can totally see why he is angry having to continually defend himself to you everytimg you “find” something.  If you aren’t secure in your relationship with him then you need to reevaluate staying in the relationship.  It is his house, not your shared space so in my opinion you really don’t have a right to say what he can and cannot have in his house.  I would understand a bit more if you guys lived together.  After I moved into FI’s house, as I packed/unpacked and discovered things from exes, and as he did the same, we put them all in one box and decided together to throw them away.  

 

Now, if I were to find something like an old letter from an ex lyig around I would probably say nothing and just throw it away, however this is OUR house now.  As long as his house is his, you can’t do that.

Post # 10
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think if he received these letters and decided not to throw them out, he should’ve been prepared for you to see them. He’s out of line lashing out like that. That being said, I bet he’s most likely defensive and because he let this happen, and not because there’s something more insidious going on. He’s probably just as annoyed with his decision as with you, but instead he’s doubling his retaliation toward you. If he comes home and seems apologetic about over-reacting, let it slide, but don’t let it silence your future concerns. Openness should always be allowed in a relationship. However, if he still thinks his behavior was justified, I would want to talk it out until he sees how he would have felt mistreated if he was in your position. His knee-jerk reaction was no acceptable. Good luck!

ETA: Sometimes I’ve kept things like that not because they mean something to me, but just because I haven’t figured out how to address them or feel about them yet. I doubt he’s up to no good. 

Post # 11
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think you two need to take a weekend (have your kids elsewhere) and go through the house to just move the things that bother you. You can put them in boxes to be dealt with later or throw them out. As PP said leave his daughter’s room alone, which it sounds like you are doing. I think that will reduce the need for you to have to notice things and bring them up or to notice things and have to silently deal with them. It will probably be a rough weekend, but I think its better to deal with a lot of it all at once than to spread it out. Are you moving in with him any time soon? You could say you need to make room for your stuff as an excuse. Or just spring (summer) cleaning.

Post # 12
Member
1796 posts
Buzzing bee

That letter you describes stated her saying how good of a father he is and stuff his daughter said. He is not wring for keeing things about his child.

Post # 13
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think his response was rather insensitive.  You should not have to be apologise for being constantly bombarded with not only evidence of their relationship, but very recent expression of emotion.  That is a lot!  Why does she even feel comfortable being so expressive to him?  One letter should have caused him to respond in such a way that she never bothers again… but letters and cards, during the time you two have been together?  I think something is very wrong there.

Post # 14
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

 

Even if you were inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt, his response really puts things in perspective.  Rather than have an open discussion, he got angry and tried to turn the whole thing around and deflect attention from the issue.  That seems like a good sign to me that he has something to be defensive about. 

I think the problem with your discussion so far is that he’s really just addressing the stuff, and that’s not what you’re upset about necessarily.  He could throw everything away and still harbor feelings for her, and you’d still be upset if you knew about it.  And if he didn’t harbor any feelings for her and still had some of that stuff around, you probably wouldn’t be too upset about it.  So I think that’s the issue that needs to be addressed… Why is he keeping this stuff, does he still have feelings, and did he say anything to her while you’re been with him that might have been a kind of betrayal. 

I just know I would be heartbroken if something like that happened to me.  I hope you can get it resolved and that you can at least get the truth out of him, whatever that is. You definitely are right to be upset about it!

Post # 15
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

he probably just forgot about the card, it happens but why would he continue to accept love letters from his ex?  if i was him, i would have nipped that in bud a long time ago.

now we know why she is so rude to you.  she’s jealous. 

the vindictive side of me would want to show these letters to her husband.  how would he feel?   she hates you already anyways.  i wouldn’t but i would definitely be tempted.  i wouldn’t want to taint the water with the families.

 

Post # 16
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

If I saw a letter on accident and relized that it was something sent recently (during our relationship) I would read it. No doubt about it. I don’t blame you at all for reading it. I also don’t blame you for being hurt/upset about his reaction. You should be allowed to feel comfortable bringing up things you’re upset about in a calm manner. No reason for him to get upset. Their relationship sounds too complex for me. I would hate to be in your position. Good luck to you though.

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