Post # 77
I don’t have advice, but I’ve been in a sorta similar situation. My Fiance was subscribed to several dating sites before we dated. When we were engaged at first he was checking his email and I saw that he had several emails like “*insert name* checked out your profile/is interested in you.” I asked him about it and he said he hasn’t been on them in years and I believe him. The account could be old and like other bees said maybe he’s just embarrassed by it.
Post # 78
I think you need to go with your gut. You seem suspicious or you wouldn’t be asking the question. This would make me very suspicious and for sure make me continue to monitor for a while.
Post # 79
Possible scenario: He opened the account a long time ago (I still get emails in my inbox from classmates.com from when I opened an account NINE YEARS AGO and never used again) and he’s just getting another email from them.
I would be worried if you found activity, but you didn’t. I’d be worried if you found messages in the dating site’s inbox that showed he had been meeting up with people recently, but you didn’t.
I’d be worried if the website had a profile description on it that said that he’s single and ready to mingle, but you didn’t.
Is he defensive? Of course. Is he lying? Probably. But I think the bigger thing to consider is that what might be worrying him THE MOST is what YOU’LL THINK.
He clearly knows you disapprove and something has come up that’s making you upset – that enough is cause for someone try to backpedal to avoid problems. And that includes lying to do it.
Just another point of view to try to help you make rational decisions.
Post # 80
Since posting the other day I asked my Fiance about this. He thinks it’s more likely the e-mail was a phishing scam and now you’ve given them his e-mail and password.
Post # 81
I’ve gone through similar things in the past, both with a former partner maintaining a secret online life (at the very dawn of social networking, when many were unaware how easy it is to stumble upon secret lives) and in the early days with my FH when I read over his shoulder a junk email from a singles site he had accessed years ago.
Those sites do send out emails and are easy forgotten, deleted regularly like any other junk mail. I still get an email in my inbox for a site I was attached to six years ago, when I was still living on the east coast. Suddenly there’s a subject line about how many hot single guys in Brooklyn are just WAITING for me and instead of going through the process of deleting that account, I just delete the email along with email updates from Delias and Manic Panic hairdye, both of which I’m about ten years too old for. Considering how orderly I am now, I imagine most guys are even worse with their email accounts.
That being said, some people just have online lives to explore some fantasy. It’s difficult for most people to have honest conversations about this compulsion, usually because it’s a reaction to feeling cornered already. There is the possibility that he signed up for the account recently and did so just to explore what was out there, simply on a whim. (I would tend to believe this, since it does have limited information about him on the site — anyone seriously looking for shady business would have set up a more flushed out profile to attract others.) And it could be no worse than the curiosity to frequently check craigslist missed connections (a secret hobby of both myself and my FH). The internet opens up an interesting door where you can explore certain concepts that you wouldn’t necessarily even fathom in person. There’s that disconnect. It’s a little bubble where you can say and do things outside of character because it seems so abstract. But there’s also the reality that people you know will find out, usually no matter what.
At this point, he knows you’re watching so… if he is being dishonest, he’s just going to create a different email account to handle business. I would suggest that you at least feign trust and turn it into a joint thing — deleting the account on this site together, “since it obviously isn’t him.”
From an outsider, it seems like the worst thing he is doing is window shopping. As long as he isn’t trying anything on, I wouldn’t worry.
Post # 82
My girfriend actually dealt with a VERY similar issue…which caused the break up of her relationship with her guy.
He got sex toys sent to the house and wouldnt show her and that made her start snooping as to why. She started checking his email and found something like what you found. Apparently it was for like an adult friend (FTF type) website with his exact description, area he lives, height, etc. She asked him about it and he denied it.
Finally, after she kept questioning him, he admitted it and said he just wanted to see who would respond and he had no intention of actually hooking up. I kind of believe him, he’s a pretty upstanding guy. I just think he wasn’t getting what he wanted in the sex dept from my friend, she admitted it herself.
You know your guy better than anyone else, and he just might be terribly embarrassed to admit to you that he DID sign up and he just “wanted to see…” I actually think this is reasonable and maybe understandable as long as you believe him that that was what happened. I don’t think I’d ever do it, but if my fiance came home one day and just started questioning me about something that I signed up for I might just immediately deny it if I felt like I was being judged. Not to say that is what you did or anything, but if he’s embarrased, it’s easy to just deny it.
My advice would be to tell him that if he did it, you just want to know why and you won’t be mad if he just wanted to see…I think if you say you won’t be mad and might understand how the whole wedding is just scaring him and you can see why he signed up, then he might feel better about coming out to you.
Post # 83
mmmm ok my vote is that he is lying. but it sounds like he is just super embarrassed that you found out. Luckily i think this is fixable.
Post # 84
If it wasn’t for the password thing I would give him the benefit of the doubt. I think you really want to believe him bc you dont want to imagine he would do something like that. But the reality is he probably did create it. Im so sorry to say it that way. If he did it a long time ago he’d consistently get emails & you would have seen it before. Sorry your going through this.
Post # 85
I know he created the account, there’s no doubt in my mind- I’m under the impression it’s an old account and he legitimatley does not remember creating it. He admited quickly to being a member of a few sites when we was younger (19-23) and it could have been one of them. He’s in his 30’s now so it was several years ago and before me.
It couldn’t have been opened recently. Like someone said the ship blocks all dating sites. They did pull into a few ports, but they have to walk around with a group of people and he would have been looking at nude photos in a public place (he doesn’t have a lap top).
Thanks for everyones comments. I’m keeping my eye on the situation, but I’m pretty sure this is some sort of internet oddity.