Found something on computer..

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 121
Member
36 posts
Newbee

lovelyruby :  ohhh you’re good! I wish I had you around in my first marriage! Would have saved me months of speculation and indecision, seriously. 

Post # 123
Member
497 posts
Helper bee

I’d stop all this cloak and dagger stuff. Sit down like an adult and ask him what the heck is going on.

Post # 124
Member
539 posts
Busy bee

monkeybee06 :  I think you’re overthinking this: it doesn’t really matter HOW you bring it up. Just make sure you have screenshots of the evidence saved somewhere he cannot access, then just BRING IT UP.

You could say “I know you’ve cheated on me” and let him squirm wondering what evidence you’ve found. Or you could start by saying you found a strange screenshot when you were looking at photos, and let him try to explain it, before you bring up the purchased apps etc.

Whatever you say to him, it’s like 95% certain he HAS cheated on you. Your “opening line” isn’t going to change anything at this point.

Post # 125
Member
1481 posts
Bumble bee

The FBI has nothing on the BEE’s !! 

I would say cheating but you need more data for yourself. Otherwise I’m afraid he might explain all this away somehow or at least try. But he’s totally cheating. Sorry Bee. 

Post # 126
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee

You know what OP, it occurred to me that lawyers probably see a decent amount of this (unfortunately).  In my limited experience with traffic tickets, most things we do before speaking to a lawyer make things worse.

 

Call a lawyer BEFORE confronting your husband.  He/she might have some good advice about how to handle things.  It would be a shame for him to get a heads up and lie or cover himself.

Post # 127
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2007

Don’t admit to what you know or how you know it. Cheaters will only admit to what they know that you know, and nothing more.

Just sit him down and say “I know what’s going on. Tell me the complete truth right now or I am filing for divorce.”

Honestly, I think you should file for a divorce anyway. He is a serial cheater who has probably never stopped cheating on you. Those people are very very set in their ways. 

Post # 128
Member
3451 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I absolutely think you need to contact a lawyer before you do anything. They’ll be able to advise you on the best way to handle this.

And once you’ve got clearance from your lawyer to begin the process, I’d probably keep the conversation short and sweet. “I know you’ve been cheating on me. I’ve contacted a lawyer. It’s over.”

Post # 129
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2012

When my mom caught my dad cheating and decided to finally divorce him, she contacted a lawyer, filed for divorce, and worked out a written agreement of things she wanted and ways she wanted to split the assets. She sat him down, pulled out copies of all her evidence against him and her proposal. Blindsided him. It ended in a very amicable divorce without any fighting, but she was totally prepared.

If you’re ready for it to be over then I’d definitely suggest talking with a lawyer before doing anything. If you aren’t ready to let it go, get your proof, confront him, and get counseling. But maybe talk to a lawyer just to know where you stand. Infidelity doesn’t go as far in divorce proceedings as it used to. Make sure you’re gonna be taken care of.

Post # 130
Member
3241 posts
Sugar bee

echoesofmercy :  Smart lady your Mom is! Sad that it happened, but amazing she was very prepared and well put together – that’s not very common.

Post # 131
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2019

I agree you need to talk to a lawyer first. Also your husband probs has you blocked on husband fake profile.

 

I don’t think he can explains his way out of this. I think you need to consult a lawyer and before confronting him. This has been a problem in the past and you should think about whether or not you’re done with this bull crap or if you really think you can work through this and trust him again. 

 

To me honestly, he sounds like my ex fiancé and sounds like he’s just not able to be trusted and I would be packing my things. I wouldn’t be able to keep repairing trust over the same thing, cheating. 

 

So talk to a lawyer, and decide where you want this to go, and then approach and get this out in the open.

Post # 132
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

monkeybee06 :  Hey lady, I am so sad reading through this thread. I went through something JUST like it about 3 months ago (see my thread “Preparing to call off my wedding” on this board, if you’re curious). The only difference was that I caught him before we were married, and I thank my lucky stars for that. But otherwise – you and me could literally be the same person, given how similar our stories sound. It’s scary how often stuff like this happens these days.

PM me if you want to chat – I can give you some advice on how I went about it with my now-ex fiance. I can also give some tips on how to break into computers / find out his passwords, if you want to go that route. Just be very, very careful, whatever you do. 

In any case, I am very sad to say that he is most definitely cheating, possibly with both men and women (that’s what my ex-fiance was doing). I hope to chat with you more – but I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world, in any case. I know how much this hurts. 

Post # 134
Member
1284 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry this happened to you.  I’m glad you have a lawyer and are getting away from this horrible man.  I think the envelope approach is good, but make sure you’re in a safe place away from him when he gets it.

Post # 135
Member
6864 posts
Busy Beekeeper

monkeybee06 :  As much as you knew I’m sure it was still difficult to find this. I’m happy to hear you have a lawyer.

Will you be moving out or will he? If you are worried about his reaction make sure you are not alone when you inform him that you are divorcing him or just leave a brief note. He knows what he has done and he’s already seen the evidence. Just telling him what you know should be enough. You have nothing to prove. Save the hard copies for your lawyer.

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