- 8 months ago
- Wedding: October 2019
bkentbee : that such bullshit it makes my head hurt. Let me say this out loud for the people in the back:
RARELY DOES ANYONE GET *SO* FUCKING DRUNK THAT THEY CANNOT REMEMBER WHAT OCCURRED.
i get so aggravated seeing this as an excuse in so many instances. “Oh I was drunk and didn’t know what I was doing”. “Oh I was drunk I don’t remember what happened”. “Oh I was drunk and couldn’t control myself”. It’s all bullshit. Therefore, your fiancée trying to act like you can’t remember reading something so blatant and hurtful is his way of gaslighting you and trying to use alcohol as his backup.
You remember what you saw. Do not allow him to make you second guess yourself.
At the very least I would immediately put the wedding on hold. He will, at least understand you truly mean business. Then you need to trust your gut. No matter what you did see or didn’t see, or know or don’t know, you don’t feel good about him or his intentions toward your relationship and that is a bad omen.
-You don’t “let someone down” until 1:00am
-You don’t need to meet someone in person to “let them down”
-You shouldn’t get drunk “letting someone down”
-You don’t not call
-You do these things if you sleep with someone
Even regardless of that, even if you moved on…the fact that he said he would leave you in a minute to be with her meant at that time, he still had feelings for her. How long have you two been together?
Either way, I’d set down, say you’re inches from breaking up with him, and demand that he tells you the 100% truth about everything or you are leaving. See what he says about that night, see what he says about the email…
I think a lot of this has to do with how long you have been together. This is an email from TWO YEARS ago. Why were you digging that far? Not that it makes it okay, but if it was shortly after the two of you got together and things have gone swimmingly for two years, then there might be wiggle room. But realistically, if you are DIGGING (which you definitely were, not just snooping) for a reason to leave, then just go. It isn’t worth the drama.
His suspicious behavior of “letting down” the ex coupled with the email declaring that he would drop you in an instant makes me doubt whether it was the ex who called wanting him back. Sound more like he begged her to meet him, asked to get back togehter with her, slept with her, and then she declined to take him back. So he came back to you. However he continued to let her know that the door was always open for her and that you were only the back-up girl. Sorry to be so blunt, but he’s a scumbag.
I would leave. Who needs to 1am to let somone down? Just let them down in a text damn. If you’re really over, you’re over.
Trust your gut and your instincts- it’s screaming at you for a reason.
I have a friend who is going through a divorce right now. She found messages on his phone and when she confronted him he said “You are going crazy it must be your concussion messing with your memory”. She internalized that she was indeed just crazy and nothing was happening. Nope- her instincts were right- he’d been having an affair for years.
TRUST. YOUR. GUT.
Also, I am willing to bet SHE ended things with him last time.
OMG! Too bad you didn’t take pics of the email or forward it to yourself, then you could have shoved it in his face!
I can look back over messages sent to me by an ex when he was drunk and feeling sorry for himself. They involve me telling him about my great new guy (now husband), how we were choosing rings, which one do you think suits me best?, oh look, while you’re texting me from miserable Montana, I’m on a wonderful beach in Maui. These are the kinds of things you say to an ex when you want to let them down (and don’t want to do the ignoring thing). Strangely enough, haven’t heard from him since (where if I’d ignored him, he would have continued to keep trying).
Sure, I could have let him suck me back in, talk about old times, reminisce about how we used to do this or that, but that would have been drawing drama into my relationship I didn’t want. This sounds liiiiike the exact opposite. Sorry Bee.
Okay, so I can understand parts of your post, because there are some similarities to my relationship.
When my FH and I started seeing each other, his ex had broken up with him 6 months prior (leaving him devastated, as he had planned to propose to her in the future), and she had even briefly dated a couple people in those 6 months. It looked like things were definitively over, but as soon as she heard he was casually seeing me, she suddenly got jealous and got back in touch with him to beg him to take her back. For about a month, FH was trying to convince me to date him, but I was adamant that I didn’t want to be in a serious relationship. During that time he was also talking to her, saying he was open to trying things again, but they should proceed very slowly and cautiously. (I’m not at all bothered by this, because he really thought that I would ultimately reject him, as I had already turned down his offers to officially date several times, so it makes sense that he would be open to other options at that time.) Ultimately though, I did decide to accept his offer to date him. His ex was a bit shocked and hurt and had a lot of questions. She kept messaging him to ask if he was sure of the choice he was making, so he took her out to lunch to “let her down” nicely and explain to her that he was, in fact, choosing me over her but hoped they could be cordial to each other in the future, since we all have a lot of friends in common and occasionally see each other at get-togethers.
However, this was like 5 days after we had started officially dating, not a whole year! If you guys had already been together a year, I don’t see why it would be necessary to “let her down,” since at that point it’s been long-established that he’s chosen to be with you. I don’t think anything more than a text wishing her well was warranted in that situation. This is a red flag, because it gives the impression that he was looking for a reason to see her again.
And in my case, my FH took his ex out to lunch, not late-night drinks. Wtf, why would you add alcohol to an already emotionally-charged and dicey situation? And even if you do go for drinks, why would it be an hours-long ordeal until 1 am? I don’t think there’s any reason for that conversation to take more than an hour (this is setting aside the fact that it’s still ridiculous that he felt this conversation was necessary at all after a year of dating you). I’m with the people who strongly suspect that there was more happening than just talking that night.
There are ways to handle a situation like this appropriately and respectfully, but your fiance’s actions have been very disrespectful to you and are generally inappropriate for somebody in a relationship. If the emails were from two years ago, it’s maybe possible — as a pp suggested — that he no longer feels that way (though it still wouldn’t sit well with me that he had said he’d choose someone else over me at any point in our relationship). But instead of talking things over and providing an explanation, he’s going to gaslight you and tell you it was your imagination? No, I’m sorry. There are too many red flags and suspicious things going on here, and the icing on the cake is that he won’t even address any of it and is trying to convince you it’s all in your imagination.
If I were you, I would feel very uneasy about staying in this relationship, because I wouldn’t be able to trust this guy anymore. Have they had any correspondence since those emails within the last two years? How would you know? They could be texting instead of emailing now, or he could have deleted more recent emails and just didn’t get to the older ones from two years ago. Honestly, my head would be spinning. I really hope he changes his tune and you get some answers that make sense, but that’s not looking likely, given how he’s acting. If he won’t offer an explanation, then I think you should leave.