Found texts to an ex on fiance’s phone – devastated

posted 10 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
483 posts
Helper bee

If he doesn’t offer you an explanation. Then i think you should leave & never look back & as someone else has already said. Who takes til’ freaking 1 am in the morning to let someone down and the fact that he gaslighted you & said it was just your imagination that you didn’t see those emails between him & his ex. I’m sorry….but, what an ass! 

Post # 32
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

I suspect that your lack of trust in your fiance is what led you to look at his text messages. You may not have consciously wanted to accept the fact that something was amiss, yet your intuition KNEW. It’s the part of you that is never wrong. And I think you already know he can’t be trusted.

My advice would be not to put your engagement on hold, but to end it. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but the man you’re with has the characteristics of a sociopath. I nearly married one myself once, and while it was heartbreaking to learn what my fiance really was, I’ve since been so very relieved that we didn’t go through with the marriage. It would have been a nightmare.

If he’s lying and gaslighting you now, he’s not going to change in the future. I’m not going to speculate on what he did or didn’t do with his ex, but it doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is that you get as far away from him as possible and don’t look back. There are others more deserving of your devotion. Don’t waste anymore time or energy on this guy. 

I’m so very sorry this happened to you. Take care, dear.

Post # 33
Member
10032 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

bkentbee :  

Ok, Bee.  The real issue here is no longer the texts or what happened until 1 am.  The issue is his gaslighting you.  That is absolutely atrocious behavior, it is indeed emotionally abusive.  There is not an excuse on this planet or any other that he can pull out that will make gaslighting tolerable.

As the other Bees have pointed out, you snooped for a reason.  That’s the case most times.  The red lights were flashing, your unconscious was picking up on some cues.

And, where you went wrong was in trying to be the Bigger Person, aka the Cool Girl.  You could have saved yourself an enormous amount of heartache by refusing to tolerate his absurd behavior with his ex.  He did not need to meet with her in person.  And certainly not till 1 am.  And he didn’t need to tell her he would dump you for her.  His insistence on meeting up with the ex should have been your dealbreaker.

But, you can file that under Lessons Learned the Hard Way and know to take better care of yourself in the next relationship.

Post # 34
Member
11329 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

You were sadly misguided years ago when you believed or were led to believe that it was “only fair” to see the ex. Not only is this absolutely not true, but even under the best of circumstances it does no one any favors. 

As for his outrageous gaslighting, I suggest you calmly  stand your ground, tell him you know exactly what you read and tell him that if he doesn’t come clean immediately, that you will definitely leave him. 

But I’d leave regardless. 

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