Four Years and Still Waiting

posted 3 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
829 posts
Busy bee

Seems like you dont believe in ultimatums/timelines bc you are not willing to actually leave him when the time comes. 

If you are fine with not marying at all or marrying later, then continue doing what youre doing. 

If marriage is important to you, then ask, “Is marriage something you want? Is it something you want soon? Is it something you want soon with me?” Yes? Great, how do we make that happen?” 

Seems like he has begun to like the idea of ‘freedom’ to use his money in fun ways/experiences instead of being tied to a huge mortgage by the water. A mortgage is restricting, and marriage can seem restricting, too, if that is in fact how hes thinking about ‘freedom’.

Post # 4
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - York, ME

kristenwaitingame :  If you don’t want to set an “ultimatum” then you either need to come to terms with never getting married or you need to break up if marriage is a non-negotiable for you.

I told my Fiance that if we weren’t engaged by our four year anniversary that we would either get engaged and plan a wedding without a proposal, or we’d have a serious discussion about our relationship and why he is not ready for a commitment with me.  I never told him we’d break up, but marriage and kids are important to me and if he cannot fulfill my needs to that degree then he wasn’t the right guy for me.

You deserve more than some flightly answers and broken promises about your shared future together. 

Post # 5
Member
9278 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

That’s a tough spot to be in. It sounds like he isn’t interested in marriage. And he doesn’t seem to care about keeping his word to you which is concerning. You also don’t appear to share the same goals for the future any more.

Obviously, you love him and don’t want to leave. But I think you have to look at it this way – if things stay exactly as they are now will you be happy staying with him?

If you need more/different things than I think the logical answer is that you need a different partner who is willing to give you those things. You cannot count on his “promisises” any more. If you want something else, you need someone else.

Post # 6
Member
2160 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

kristenwaitingame :  so our talks have been me saying “I want to be engaged in the next year” and he’ll agree but then nothing happens.

 

OK, so he agrees with you that he sees marriage with you in the near future, agrees to get engaged, and then blows it off? He can’t even be honest with you about what’s holding him back? He can’t even respect you enough to not intentionally give you false hope to avoid having an uncomfortable (for him) conversation?

 

I don’t know what to say, Bee. You want different things and have different goals. You have to decide what’s more important- trying to achieve your goals, even if that means with someone else, or agreeing to adopt his goals as your own. You can’t make him see things the way you do.

Post # 7
Member
627 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Sounds like he is happy with life as it currently is. You sound like you are not.

You can love him and love the amazing adventures but eventually you guys gotta get on the same page, or you need to walk away.

From what you have said you have had clear conversations and he has either brushed them off, made false promises, or misled you. His actions make it very clear hes not interested in marriage anytime soon.

If youre not willing to stick with the status quo for a few more years while waiting to see if he comes around (I wouldnt be!), then I think you need to start planning your next steps without him.

Post # 8
Member
3024 posts
Sugar bee

You’ve reached the point where the shine of the footloose and fancy free life is starting to dim. Your boyfriend hasn’t. You’re looking for permanence, he likes to remain free and unencumbered, so he can take off to parts unknown without a care. The result is that at some level you’re now incompatible. He’s not going to change, although it’s clear that you’re hoping someone can tell you how to effect a change in him. We can’t. You can either decide you’re fine without marriage (aka lie to yourself) or leave him.

Those are your options. 

Post # 9
Member
392 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

How is traveling together or “taking you on trips” related to all of this? If you two love to travel and share those experiences together I don’t see how this is related to the topic of getting married. And just because you see your friends having different lives, doesn’t mean that yours is not as good. I say so, because having an apartment and spending money on travel is nothing to be ashamed of or is per se something bad at your ages IMO. It’s difficult sometimes to not compare oneself to others, but don’t let that make you feel sad.

Not wanting to attack you, but why is a soon marriage so important to you? Is your relationship only valid if he “puts a ring on it”? Is your relationship otherwise empty, because this is what you saying that you only wait for the next vacation suggests? IF so and you feel like your happiness and wellbeing depends on getting married soon and he’s not in on that, then maybe you really are not on the same page anymore and need to move on. To figure that out, I would ask him somehting down the lines like ladama :  suggested.

 

Post # 10
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

Have you thought about proposing to him on your next trip? That would be romantic!

Post # 11
Member
1364 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

So you’ve read this I suspect, many times.  A guy who wants to get married doesn’t need to be convinced, nagged, cajoled or “pressured”.  He just does it and he won’t put you through the agony of wondering if you’re good enough to be his wife.  You will feel good about your future.  

What’s holding him back is that most likely he doesn’t want to marry you but is too chicken shit to be honest about that.  I don’t know why you expected a proposal when his actions show the opposite.  You don’t believe in ultimatums and that’s fine but you won’t hold him to a timeline.  That means SOMETHING has to happen if he agrees to a timeline and then renegs.  If there’s no consequence for inaction then why would he ever need to take action??

Do you even realize that when you let those dates go by with no consequence you’ve sent him the message that you’re not really serious about marriage and he can string you along for as long as he wants??

So you like pp’s said you have two choices…..either leave or be content with no marriage.   

 

 

Post # 12
Member
201 posts
Helper bee

Either propose to him, (and mean it!) Or time to have a serious chat with him “I’d like to move forward with our lives towards marriage. I’d like if we could get engaged this spring. This is really important to me, and you’ve said this is something you want too”. Then if spring rolls on by and nothing happens, you know he’s saying he’s not willing to meet you where you are. 
He puts it off because he doesn’t believe there are consequences. It doesn’t have to be an ultimatum, but you should have a walk date at this point, I feel. 

Post # 13
Member
11328 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Two things would bother and be dealbreakers for me. One is the repeated broken promises. The second is someone who would, at 33, think it is financially responsible to spend half of his income on trips while breaking the aforementioned promises, making it obvious he is not serious about an engagement or the future. He may like an itinerant lifestyle, and live for today, but you are clearly not on the same page. 

He also sounds very easily bored and never happy with where he is. Three “just because” moves in 18 months seems excessive.

At his age and stage of life four years would already be several years too long not to have a clear idea of a timeline and a commitment. I would not let him waste any more of your time.

Post # 14
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

You’ll only be able to find a man willing to marry you if you’re willing to leave the ones who aren’t. 

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