Four Years and Still Waiting

posted 3 months ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
2417 posts
Buzzing bee

weddingmaven :  This. His behavior and prioritization is a huge red flag.

Spending half your income on travel while you’re a college student is one thing, but it’s bizarre for a 33 year old adult making good money who is using money as an excuse not to get married. Is he saving for retirement, or does he put travel before that, too? 

The need to move a lot and travel all the time also seems to suggest someone who is never satisifed and is always looking for external stimulation and excitement. That’s not to say everyone who loves travel and craves variety is a bad partner, but in this case I think you should examine whether this is a larger pattern of behavior.

Regardless, the lies/broken promises would be enough for me to leave. 

Post # 17
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

It sounds like you’re trying to turn your good time into a lifetime, OP and he’s not up for the transition. So, you can continue traveling with the fun guy or you can start planning your departure and the next phase of your life.

Post # 21
Member
6147 posts
Bee Keeper

kristenwaitingame :  Travel Boy isn’t ready to settle down. You are. That’s a pretty basic incompatibility. Don’t stay with him because you’ve already spent four years with him. Those four years are past, no matter what you do now. Stay with him if he suddenly takes action toward your goals. In the absence of that you know what you need to do, Bee. Set yourself free to find someone who wants what you want. 

Post # 23
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

kristenwaitingame :  You’ve already thrown away (or spent) the four years.  The question is how many more you’re willing to spend with this guy.

 

Post # 24
Member
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

 

coffeecakez :  exactly. The time is already gone.

OP, do you want to spend an additional 4 years not moving towards the life you want?

Post # 25
Member
429 posts
Helper bee

This sounds like you have competing values. Wanting to travel isn’t incompatible with wanting to commit. My husband and I love travel—-still do after marriage like we did before  (when he planned the wedding I kept thinking——we could use that money to backpack across half the world!) it sounds like you don’t like the kind of travel and adventure that is important to him and he doesn’t value the life structure that is important to you.

Post # 26
Member
8724 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

kristenwaitingame :  “Buy a house on a lake and grow old together” is almost everyone’s “life goal” when they’re young and in love. I wouldn’t put much stock in those honeymoon-stage conversations. He’s shown you for 3.5 years now that this isn’t actually his goal.

If you’ve enjoyed the time together, then breakinng up wouldn’t be throwing away four years. It would be living your life for four years and then moving on to the next chapter. If you fall for the sunk-cost fallacy and stick around another 4 years and are miserable, then you’ve thrown away all 8 years.

Post # 27
Member
780 posts
Busy bee

 “In thinking about it now (and over the past few months), I can see where his goals have blended with mine.”

I’m not understanding what you mean by this. If I understand correctly, he wants to travel constantly and you want to settle down. How have your goals blended?? You don’t want to travel and he doesn’t want to get married…seems like the opposite to me. 

A lot of guys picture paint and tell you everything you want to hear in that honeymoon stage. And shame on them for doing that- that is why I always think it is a red flag when guys do that. It’s a way to lure you in to a false sense of commitment when they don’t even know you at that point in time.

After 2, 2.5, even 3 years I would think you have seen who he really is and what he really wants through his actions. Why are you still here 4 years in without so much as a mutually agreed upon timeline (considering your ages and potential difficulty having children-not knocking others in relationships for 4+ years)? Honey, you’re wasting your time with him.

He is lying to you. He has been for years. I would be pissed at him for continuing to placate you with a “sure, hun” every time you talk about your life goals and then continuing to do what he wants.

It’s okay if he prioritizes travel, but he has to be honest about that with you and be willing to let you go since you want different lifestyles. Instead, he is just bullshitting you. You’re talking, but he doesn’t care. Clearly.

I don’t know what other advice to give you than to leave him. It’s not like he actually has a legitimate reason for not proposing. He has more than enough money to scrape together to get you a ring. He is old enough and established enough at this point. There is nothing standing in his way- except his disinterest in settling down. I think deep down you know this but you are afraid to leave.

If you don’t leave now, you will just be another day older every day you stay with someone who doesn’t want the same things as you. You are wasting your own time and only hurting yourself.

You have to take responsibility for getting what you want, because no one else will, and if you want kids, you’re going to have to move fast. Be strong and go after what you want. Good luck!

Post # 28
Member
3532 posts
Sugar bee

You should ask yourself, “what would I do if I weren’t afraid?”. Because neverbeenstungbee :  has it exactly right: you’re scared to leave. 

Post # 29
Member
372 posts
Helper bee

He’s not acting like he’s ready to settle down, buy a house, get married and have kids.

Neither are you.

I was once “waiting” on my ex like you. Once I was ready to settle down, get married, buy a house mindset.. I started working on my career goals, make extra money, saved up for a downpayment myself. I did that on my own. After 5 years with no commitment for marriage, I already had 60% of my downpayment goal, and I left him. I was also much more serious and grown up and when I went back to dating, I attracted men who were ready like me.  Had I not met my Dear Fiance, I would have had enough money to purchase my own place, and live my life with or without a man. I get that marriage is important, it is to me as well, but I don’t think that it should stop you from attaining your goals. spending HALF your income on travel is, well frankly quite stupid and clearly indicative of someone who’s not ready to settle down and raise a family. Kids are going to cost more than international travels.

Post # 30
Member
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think you need to ask yourself why his wants are more important than your wants. Sure you’ve done fun things because of his wants so it’s not a loss of 4 years, but when are you going to believe that your wants are a priority?

You keep telling him your wants but keep fulfilling his wants. When are you going to start prioritizing yourself?

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