Four Years and Still Waiting

posted 2 months ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
6080 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Not wanting to “throw away” four years doesn’t bring those years back. Staying with someone whose goals clearly don’t align with yours isn’t some sort of noble sacrifice. The longer you stay without any clear movement on his part toward a home or marriage, the harder it will be to move on (and, possibly, to get pregnant). i’m not saying to just dump him, but why be timid about telling him that you are prioritizing marriage and a family over travel? Tell him flat-out that you are afraid that your goals and his are no longer aligned because he has broken promises, and that you need to know where he stands so that you can work toward the future that’s important to you. 

If you truly want marriage and a family, you cannot sit still and hope and wonder for another four years. A frank discussion might bring up some uncomfortable or painful truths, but it is better to find those out now instead of later.

Post # 32
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee

Honestly bee it’s your choice. Stay with him let him waste your time and risk never being able to have children. Or stand up for the life you want and let him step up or step aside for you to have that with someone else. As the saying goes, cry now or cry later. Difference is, crying later will be a hell of a lot more to cry about when you not only break up but now you also can’t have kids. 

You have value! Your time is precious! If he can’t see that than move on! This guy could be literally standing between you and your future husband. You have nothing to lose by standing up for yourself and telling him you want a proposal in 6 months or your gone. Because If that makes him dump you? Guess what? He was gonna leave eventually anyways. 

Post # 33
Member
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

kristenwaitingame :  You’re basically saying that because you allowed him to go back in his agreement to get engaged a few times, which has resulted in you spending 4 years with him without any moves for the future, that you’re stuck with him. That doesn’t make sense. In 1 year you might could meet and get engaged to someone who wants the same things in life you do, someone who you could work with as a team to achieve the future you want.  

I wouldn’t let 4 years that are already gone keep me from the possibility of marriage or kids. As someone with PCOS, I understand the fears and anxiety that come with having children and the possibilities of difficulty and infertility. I would never lose 4 years to someone who didn’t want what I want, and risk losing my fertility window. 

You’ve spent that time with this guy, and it’s gone. You traveled a lot during that time and had fun, so I wouldn’t view it as wasted (even though it wasn’t used in building your future), but if you continue to spend years with someone who doesn’t want the future you want, when you could instead be finding someone actually compatible with you, that time will be wasted. Because you’re no longer having fun. You’re seeing every dollar spent on these adventures as money that could have went towards something you actually want instead. 

Will you be the Bee who posts again in another 4 years with a title of, “8 years and still waiting?”

Post # 34
Member
10284 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

kristenwaitingame :  

Bee,

A guy who moves three times in 18 months and spends the money to travel first class to lots of fabulous destinations is not a guy who is remotely interested in becoming a husband and father any time soon.

For most people, explore the different neighborhoods in Seattle means check out the restaurants, galleries, and wine bistros.  It does not mean packing up all of your worldly possessions and haul them around with your hapless gf in tow.

Whatever words he uses as he pats you on the head and gives you candy are utterly meaningless.  You’re doing your future self no favors by fixating on what he’s saying at the expense of seeing what he’s doing.

The gap between what he wants and what you want would accommodate a battleship.

Neither of you is wrong for wanting different things.  He is wrong for breaking promises and being completely inauthentic with you.

Post # 35
Member
5494 posts
Bee Keeper

If you continue to do as you’ve always done, you’ll continue to have what you’ve always had.  A yes man with no results.  He knows you better than anyone, knows what you want, and he also knows you’re not going to do anything about it.  And then what happens if he puts a ring on it? is it another 5 year engagement?  YOU need to worry about you, not him.  You cannot change anyone, just yourself. He doesn’t want a dog for the same reason he doesn’t want a wife.  Good time charlie is having a great time with his gal pal jetsetting the globe.  Why would he put a ring on it? He doesn’t have to.  There are no consequences to his non actions in this case.

Post # 36
Member
1247 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Your man is well on his way to being that 50 year-old guy in therapy, who is now crying into his hands that he prioritized having fun for decades and decades and now will likely never have a family.  There are going to be a LOT of those guys in the next 2 decades.  You have different priorities than he does and you should not be trusting someone who consistently breaks HUGE promises to you.  I mean…this guy said he would PROPOSE in a year and then DIDN’T.  That’s messed up.  Google “sunk cost fallacy” and move on with your life.  You will be way better off for it.

Post # 37
Member
2971 posts
Sugar bee

kristenwaitingame :  What would he say if you said no to the next trip?

Chile sounds great, but maybe we can plan for next year? I’d like to use the current funds towards a ring/home/wedding instead. 

And take the convo from there. It is one that needs to happen and not end with a vague, far off in the future scenario. Don’t drop it once he gives you those answers, keep pressing. It is not nagging, it is having a difficult, but necessary conversation. 

It doesnt sound like he wants to settle down with a mortgage at this time in his life. I hope you guys can compromise and work it out, but be clear and stick to your guns. I can only imagine how much worse every trip will get when you are constantly hoping and waiting. 

Post # 38
Member
7 posts
Newbee

My boyfriend kept changing the subject when I brought up engagement, it may seem silly but I sent him an email to explain how I was feeling, he then had a conversation with me and we discussed everything. Maybe sending him an email or something he can read in writing might help him.

Post # 40
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2020 - Ireland

kristenwaitingame :  bee, I broke off a prior engagement that lasted a month after I’d been with the guy 5 years. I know it seems so impossible to unwind your life with this guy, but it CAN be done and I promise you that you’ll be the better for it. I promise promise promise. I met FH and the best guy in the world about 15 months later. 

What really helped me is I met with my therapist the very first time on the day I wanted to do it. She had me right out a plan and figure out what I’d say. I went right from her office to our house and ended it and then stayed with a friend for a few days. And I stayed in therapy for about 2 years. It worked wonders. I actually live in Seattle so if you need a referral, I can pass on her name. Hell, you decide when you’re ready to end it and I’ll wait in your driveway to make sure you follow through! 😜

Just remember, we accept the love we think we deserve. You deserve someone who has the same goals and dreams as you and can’t wait to marry you. Please don’t settle for less. 

Post # 41
Member
689 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry, bee. That’s pretty disappointing after 4 years.

I think you know deep down what you need to do, but it may take some time and courage to pull the trigger. 

You can do so much better than this. And you will.

If you can gather the strength to end this dead-end relationship, you will be much better off. I bet you will feel a bit relieved too.

Go find your husband OP! 

Post # 42
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

 kristenwaitingame :  aw, sorry to hear.  You know what you need to do,  you just have to come to terms with it. It’s clear you’re on separate paths. I certainly would *not* be “faking excitement” about trips he wants given he has no problem expressing his own lack of interest in marrying you!  It’s insulting.  You need to get angry.   Personally I would not wait to leave till the fall.  He’s wasted enough years of your life don’t you think? Take your power back now.  I wish you the best. . 

Post # 43
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2018

It does sound like you’re not as compatible as you had hoped – you likely both changed a bit over the years. 29 is still young to be worried about “waiting too long” for marriage and kids in my opinion, though I do understand the nerves over fertility if you’ve seen your family struggle with it. That is a difficult road for sure. Personally, I always knew that I wanted marriage and kids but I was not in any rush to do it as I wanted to enjoy each section of life for as long as possible. I met my husband at 29 and didn’t want to get married until I was 34. My point there is that if, at 33, he’s still more into travel/trying new things than settling down, that doesn’t mean that he never will. But, if this timeline is important to you, then you obviously shouldn’t have to compromise yourself. I hope you do whatever makes you happiest. <3

Post # 44
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

Whenever I see threads like this resurrected I pray for good news. I am so sad to read that there has still been no proposal. If I were in your position I’d probably tell him that I don’t want to keep taking trips, I want to get engaged and plan a wedding. That I will not be joining him on anymore vacations until we are engaged. Ugh, I wish I had better advice. 

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