- 6 years ago
So I haven’t been on the boards in awhile and it has a lot to do with the fact that for the last several years I’ve been trying to talk myself out of the importance of marriage to get on the same page as my SO. (He thinks it’s just a piece of paper and can’t imagine how marriage would ever change us or how he feels about me because he already loves me so much more than he ever thought he could love someone. Cute, I know, but I still want to get married)
Anyways, a year ago a friend of mine broke up from a relationship very similar to mine and has since found the man of her dreams and is over the moon. When she broke up with her boyfriend I had a panic attack and got scared that that would be SO and I in due time. But, I have to be honest with myself that just because things seem similar, doesn’t mean they are. And the problems that SO and I have had in the past we are both actively working on so I can’t expect us to fail for problems that are already working themselves out.
But either way, I spent the majority of last week in tears thinking i was making a huge mistake and that SO and I wouldn’t stand the test of time and that he wasn’t the one for me. I built everything up and expected the worst, and then we talked about it.
I told him my fears, and my concerns, and I told him that I tried to give up the importance of marriage so that if he never proposed I would be okay, but I couldn’t do it. It IS important to me, and it does hurt me that after 7 years he doesn’t look at me and just think to himself “god, this girl is so amazing, I just want to marry her right now!” I told him that as much as I don’t want to play the societal card, that it is a part of it. Society does put certain pressures on a woman to get married, and if she doesn’t then she’s a bitch, or a spinster, or a cat lady, or something along the tone of there’s something wrong with her. He agreed that society does do this and while to him it’s just a piece of paper, we would get married because he knows how important it is to me and it would make me happy, and the only thing he wants to do is make me happy. Even though he’s not as pro-marriage as I am, he’s not anti-marriage enough to put his foot down and say it’ll never happen. So, while it’s not the “I want to get married to you” response I was looking for, it was honest, and it is good enough for me. And I’m just glad that I can stop pretending that it’s not important anymore.
So then we got on the topic of a proposal. I told him that right now I had spent so much time making a proposal unimportant that I’m not sure about marriage right now, so I’m not rushing him. I love him so much and we are so great together, but after telling yourself for 2 years you’re never going to have a proposal and you’re never going to get married, something shifts, and I think it’ll take a little while for it to shift back to the delirious excitement of it happening again. But, I did ask him if that because marriage wasn’t really his thing, would that mean no proposal? Is he now just waiting for me to want it again and to tell him I’m ready again? He said, maybe. But that it could happen sooner than that as well. Oh boys…
He also asked me if I was still sure that I didn’t want a big wedding, and I said yes. Because I’ve never wanted a big wedding. And he still asked if I was okay with the courthouse. I said I was, though deep down I was hesitant to say it. All in all, I am. But I do want to wear a cute dress, and I do want to have a party for our friends and family to celebrate with us afterwards. Because I don’t want to cheat our friends and family out of celebrating.
So here I am – back to actively waiting.