Post # 1
I need someone to talk some sense into me. My husband and I got married in September after dating for 4 years and living together for 3. I was very calm and unstressed during the whole planning process. I got caught up in planning the wedding that I didn’t really stop to think about the finality of the marriage. I don’t feel comfortable talking with my friends about this because I don’t want them to change their opinion about me, my husband or our marriage, especially if we work through this. I had slight second thoughts before the wedding but knew how much my parents had already spent on deposits and such that I put the second thoughts out of my head. I think if my parents would have said something like, its not too late to change your mind, I just might have. But, they didn’t…they didn’t really say much of anything so here I am..8 months later and literally freaking out.
I have started to realize that although I love my husband, I do not miss him when we are apart. He was away this week for a guys trip and it was the best week I have had in a long time. I was able to do what I wanted, when I wanted and didn’t feel restricted or held back. He comes home tonight and I am actually having anxiety about it. You are supposed to miss your spouse when they are away…right? You shouldn’t be happier with them gone then with them home…right?? Although my husband has recently become more fit (he was never fat, but he is in the best shape he has been our whole relationship) I’m not overly attracted to him and couldn’t care less about sex. I am afraid that although I love him, could I not be IN LOVE with him?
I have become fixated with someone at my gym. I have in NO WAY crossed any lines and would never cheat, but I find myself thinking about whether or not I sold myself short. This guy and I innocently flirt and I have told him I am married. I find myself thinking about him and what it would be like if I wasn’t married. I know next to nothing about him, he may be unemployed and live with his parents…so I know it is not HIM that I am infatuated with but the IDEA of him. The idea of another person being able to make me feel how I think I should be feeling now.
Another issue I am having is that my father in law is very old. He had my husband when he was almost 50 so my husband has a ‘fear of being an old dad complex’. My husband is 30 and I just turned 28. He wants to have kids now and I am nowhere near being ready. He knew I wasn’t ready but I feel the pressure to start a family. I have A LOT of anxiety about having a baby now…I am still young and want to enjoy life. I want to travel and be able to go out and do what I want without worrying about a baby. At this exact moment, I’m not even sure when I want to have a baby…but he is ready.
We have been married less than a year…we had a beautiful big wedding that cost both of our parents lots of money. I am so scared to think I might have to tell them it was all a waste and that I made a huge mistake. Can you help talk me off the ledge?
Post # 2
Sorry to say but it sounds like it will end sooner rather than later this isn’t the guy for you. You don’t want to have kids with him because I’m pretty sure you don’t want to cement the relationship any further. Kids will make it harder to leave and you already have one foot out the door.
I think you made a mistake and your now just realizing it now that your married life is settling down. It’s ok to make a mistake it happens it’s just how you handle it that will make the difference. I would go talk to a professional to make 100% sure this is what you want and then I would have those uncomfortable talks.
You can’t stay in the wrong marriage forever 🙁 I don’t think you want someone to talk you off the ledge I think you want someone to tell you it’s ok to feel like this. I am just guessing here but if you didn’t have the fancy wedding and your parents were supportive of you leaving you would already be starting the process.
Post # 3
newlywed927: Hi! We have similar timelines- I also got married in Sept after dating my Darling Husband for 4 years living together for 3…
I def had a holy shit this is final moment ( or a million) after the wedding. We actually had a rather tough year. I think its kind of like the ebb and flow of the relationship…like every couple goes through rough patches..this might be yours. Maybe your infatuation with the rando has more to do with you realizing that this is it ( KWIM?) not so much that you arent attracted to your Darling Husband.
Also I don’t think its that weird that you enjoyed alone time when he was gone for a week- unless he like travels all the time and you prefer him gone- you might have just not had a lot of time for yourself. Maybe do more things solo and get your ‘ you’ time.
And regarding the baby issue- you two should probably sit down and get a rough timeline together for that. If you arent ready then he needs to respect that ( unless you want to wait like 10 years or something).
Nothing you are saying is leading me to think you made a huge mistake. Just remember why you loved your Darling Husband and married him in the first place You might just be having a hard time being ‘ married’ now. IDK! Good luck. Maybe some counseling?
ETA: I would def try counselling. It sounds too like you are in a funk of sorts. You owe it to your Darling Husband to at least try!
Post # 4
Boxerlover24: Thank you! We have had a tough year, too. His parents are divorcing after 30+ years of marriage and putting my Darling Husband in the middle. It is effecting him (and our relationship) a lot. I think you’re probably right about the rando. My husband isn’t away often and he is the type who enjoys being together and is disappointed if we are not, so I know that has a lot to do with my feelings.
I think counseling is a good idea…but just for me. I dont want to bring this up to him (not yet at least). I dont want to hurt his feelings if it is just something I need to work though on my own. I apprecaite your advice!
Post # 5
sway0060: Thank you…I agree that I should go talk to someone and make sure this is what I want and that I’m not just being crazy.
Post # 6
I can totally relate with you! Although my Fiance and I are not yet married, I find my most peaceful moments are when he’s not there. Why? He gets in the way and I feel like I have to entertain him! LOL
I think it’s normal what you’re feeling now that everything is final and you’re legit married. Try giving each other some space, like when you’re both in the house, you go upstairs to read while he’s downstairs. Or maybe you go on a run or out with friends, while he goes out with his friends? This could cause you to miss him more and appreciate him more when you see others out and about. I can’t say that I have a certain person in mind that I flirt with, but by no means will I shoot down a flirty conversation with an attractive man! That boosts confidence! But in the long run I know what I want, and that’s the man I currently live with. Everyone needs space at some point, maybe this is the point where you need yours?
As for kids, that’s a whole different story that I can’t help on! Good luck!
Post # 7
becomingsumner: I would love to go out or do other things but his feelings get hurt if I don’t want to be around him all the time. I dont want to upset him and make him feel like I dont enjoy being with him but I feel smothered.
Post # 8
Marriage is not a romantic comedy. It is work. If you want it, work on it. If not, let him go so he can find someone who does want it.
Post # 9
newlywed927: I don’t think your crazy at all only you know if this is the right man for you. I wouldn’t stay in a marriage that wasn’t right over wedding costs and what people will think.
As far as the not missing him I have been on both sides of that situation. My ex was not the right guy for me and I never missed him when he was gone. I also looked at other guys and secretly wished I wasn’t engaged. My ex was actually a pretty good looking guy but I had zero desire to have sex with him and near the end even be touched by him. I finally ended things and it was the best decision I ever made.
Now my current Fiance is gone a lot for work and when he goes I don’t miss him a lot I acutally enjoy my time without him. This time though it feels different than with my ex the not missing him is not a symptom of the relationdship not working.
I don’t know which side of these examples you fall into. If it’s more to the first example then yes staying married probably isn’t going to work out. This might just be a phase or it might be a sign of much bigger issues that are not just going to disappear. Like I said if you go talk to an impartial person you might be able to decifer more about whats going on. I would go solo for awhile and if you figure you can make your marriage work I would then introduce your husband to the process.
Your last update where you said:
I would love to go out or do other things but his feelings get hurt if I don’t want to be around him all the time. I dont want to upset him and make him feel like I dont enjoy being with him but I feel smothered.
He probably senses that things are not right and the fact that you are pulling away from him that is why he is being so clingy. When I started putting some distance betweeen me and my ex he wanted to do everything together. Drove me nuts because all I wanted was space.
No one can tell you where to go from here but this doesn’t sound like a typical newlywed first year to me.
Post # 10
I’ll echo the second poster. This is not necessarily a sign that your marriage is going south, but it’s definitely an alarm bell that’s worth listening to. I think all you need is more freedom – some space to be alone, to meet your girlfriends, to have kids later in life, without your Dh complaining all the time. If I were you, I’d sit him down and explain that I need to be more independent and enjoy some time for myself. He has to understand that this is for the sake of your relationship.
Post # 11
newlywed927: Nothing you wrote sounds unusual to me or a reason to give up on the relationship. It sounds like you are settling into marriage and the ‘honeymoon’ phase of your relationship is over. It’s perfectly normal to enjoy ‘alone time’ – especially after living together for 3 years.
It sounds to me like you need to mix things up and add some spice back into your marriage. Do you guys work out together? Maybe you could role play and have your husband ‘pick you up’ at the gym and then come back for some steamy sex.
Post # 12
newlywed927: I think you did make a mistake. Honestly, I am an individual. I like my own time and space, and when Hubby is out/away, I will enjoy some me-time. But when he is coming home I am like a freaking puppy I get so excited (and vice versa! Nothing cuter than an excited husbun waiting to greet you at the door with smiles and kisses). Being attracted to other people is normal, feeling like you missed out is not.
Don’t worry about your families’ opinions, do what is right for you. The absolute worst thing you could do is have children with a man you are “so-so” about. What kind of example of love will that give your children? How will your relationship fare when the stresses of babies are added on? You’re already not sexually interested in him, imagine how much worse that will get when you have small toddlers? Is that fair to him?
Post # 13
newlywed927: I don’t think you’re doomed at all. I see no red flags in your post except you doubted going through with it and that’s pretty normal too (In passing anyway). I LOVE being alone. I CHERISH my moments where I’m alone to putz around on my time doing whatever whenever!! I dont miss him. Maybe for a moment if im going to bed alone, but that’s it. (I still say I miss you though) lol. It’s marriage! Not a fairy tale. My parents have been happily married for 35 years and my mom tells me she intentionally makes no plans while my dad is golfing. She likes to be alone! You are not weird. You didnt make a mistake. I didn’t even miss my mom as a small child at summer camp. Its just not my style Lol. Doesnt mean I don’t love her or my man.
Stop thinking about gym guy and have some hot sex with hubs. Have some fun. relish being alone- it’s okay.
Post # 14
newlywed927: I am a firm believer that given enough time at certain points in your marriage you are 100% guaranteed to feel as if you are not in love with your spouse. That’s what marriage is, deciding that even when those times come, it’s a commitment to staying with that person. If every person divorced the moment they felt the “feelings” of love were gone pretty much no one would be married to the same person for very long. Feelings and emotions change with the tide. It’s normal to feel as if those feelings have faded. My parents have been married for 32 years now and my mom will tell you she LOVES when my dad goes out of town. It’s her time to get take out and watch stupid lifetime movies or do whatever the heck so wants. But that’s marriage because if he were to vanish she would be destroyed too. Since you lived together for 3 years before getting married, I would say it’s pretty normal as other posters have said to feel these things. I don’t think it’s a sign you made a mistake. I think everyone has that initial, “OH CRAP this is forever?! What did I do” moments. Which could be a main reason for the feelings about gym guy.
Play this out in your mind. You find out more about gym-bob. You find out he’s actually pretty perfect. You leave your husband, fall in love, move in together. 4 years later you get married. Then you see johnny hunks-a-lot at the grocery store and suddenly, you don’t know if Gym-bob was right for you and you don’t know if you “feel” in love with him anymore. It’s a cycle that will go on forever if you let it. Marriage is the idea that you’ll stay commited to your husband despite constant changing feelings.
I might get crap for saying all this, but it’s genuinely what I believe. I have never really believed in “the one” mentality. I believe in sticking WITH one mentality when you decide to marry someone who you believe is a great fit for you.
Post # 15
newlywed927: I feel it could be two things going on here: 1) this truly isn’t the marriage for you, or 2) you’ve talked yourself into it not being the marriage for you. I think relationships eb and flow, and I don’t think it’s weird you enjoy your time alone or find other people attractive, especially if you were already a bit freaked out about being married. Only you can decide if it truly isn’t right, or if you are just having some belated cold feet.