Freaking out about getting older- long post

posted 4 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You don’t need a ton of time to plan a wedding – you can choose to have a short engagement. 

Have you talked to him about TTC plans? Is he on the same page? 

Post # 3
Member
7816 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Some thoughts:

We have many many weddings on this summer that we are involved with so I don’t expect a proposal during the summer. It definitely won’t be this summer

Why does the fact that you’re involved in other people’s weddings this summer mean you can’t get engaged this summer? As long as he doesn’t propose during someone else’s actual wedding what is the issue?

I don’t want to force the issue because I do not want to pressure him into proposing right now especially because his mother is seriously unwell at the moment.  I also don’t want him to think that I don’t want children, I just feel my late thirties are sneaking up on me. 

Why on earth would he be under the impression that you don’t want children? This is really something you need to talk to him about directly before you get engaged! There should be zero ambiguity around this issue.

As for the fear of him feeling pressured…ok, but what about how you feel? Do you not feel pressure right now due to your bio clock? All you can do is tell him honestly what you want out of this relationship…if that information causes him to feel pressure then that’s on him. But internalizing all this anxiety about your bio clock out of fear that speaking openly to your partner could cause him to feel “pressure” is not a healthy approach.

Post # 4
Member
5537 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

However, I turn 34 in a month and suddenly I realise I that, realistically, we will not be married by the time I’m 35.

You don’t need to have a drawn out engagement waiting for a “dream venue”. If you get engaged this year at 34 there is no reason you can’t be married a few months later, even a few weeks.  If your priority is starting ttc then just skip the big wedding and do something smaller sooner. 

If you have already had discussions about getting engaged this year then it seems like the main roadblock is thinking you need to spend a year planning a wedding, that mindset it what is delaying this for you.

 

Post # 5
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Help me understand where exactly the problem is. Are you saying that you want to have more time together as a married couple where you can just enjoy life and don’t feel bound to start TTC or are you hedging about kids in general after realizing how soon it’s going to end up being? If waiting an extra year after marriage to start TTC would feel better and you don’t feel good about moving up the proposal/wedding timeline, then why not make an appointment to talk to the gyno about your concerns because it doesn’t sound like that would be the end of the world fertility-wise to me but it would probably be a lot better coming from a medical professional. 

I’m a little foggy as to why being involved in others weddings would mean you can’t get engaged or why talking timelines would give your partner the idea that you don’t want kids. Would it be possible to express to your partner that you’re really excited to enjoy married life together for a while, but you’re worried about potentially waiting too long to start TTC? It seems like that could be a shared issue and one that you two could talk out together. 

Post # 6
Member
9665 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Just have a short engagement. 

My engagement was 13 months and honestly, it was way too long! We could have easily planned it in 6. I’ve had friends with 3 month engagements. 

I do think you should bring this up to your boyfriend. Having a discussion about your future and the timing of marriage/kids shouldn’t be seen as pressure, it’s only pressure if he doesn’t want to marry you in the first place. 

Post # 7
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

evamoo :  is he willing to get engaged *now*, yes or no? If two people agree to marry each other,  they’re engaged. There’s no need for a faux-posal. 3 years in,  both 33, he will only say 2019?! I would not ne ok with that. Is this just a delay tactic do you think?  It’s your life too. Don’t worry about “pressuring” him, you can’t pressure someone to do something they *want* to do. 

Post # 8
Member
1191 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

If being married by 35 is important to you, you can definitely make that happen. I have a friend who got engaged and was married at the court house the next day. My FH and I are having a 6 month engagement, and probably could have made it even shorter, as we’re still 6 weeks out and everything is planned and paid for. You have to prioritize what’s most important to you and your SO, and maybe make some sacrifices to make it happen (opting for a smaller wedding instead of a large, expensive affair, etc.).

I’m curious about conversations you’ve had with him about a TTC timeline and what his feelings are regarding it.

Post # 9
Member
9174 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

I had a 7 month engagement, i could have planned in 4 months.

also, you don’t wake up on your 35th birthday with bad eggs.  plenty of woman get pregnant with no issues into their 40’s.  if you are concerned, have some testing done and that will let you know where your fertility most likely lies.

Post # 10
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I had a 5 month engagement which I felt was on the long side! It really didn’t take too much planning for me to get things organised and honestly could have had a much shorter engagement as I really didn’t see the fuss. 

Are you worried about your age because you do want a long engagement and want time after getting married before starting TTC? 

Post # 11
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

We are having a short engagement. I have family members I am very close to who I fear won’t make it another year or so, so by the time we are married our engagement will have been only 8 or 9 months. As a result, some other people are unable to make our wedding, but I expected that, and put my own priorities (such as your desire for children) first. And honestly, we planned all we needed to plan for the wedding in like a month, we have nothing left to do, so a super short engagement can be done. 🙂 hugs to you and I hope everything works out for you!!

Post # 12
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I just want to add to the crowd…long engagements aren’t mandatory. Fiance and I aren’t spring chickens (30 and 40), and want at least 2 kids. He’s definitely more laid back in terms of “when” re: kids, but it’s important to me to settle into married life for awhile. Therefore, when we initially discussed a 6 month versus 15 month engagement, it was a no-brainer to go with 6 months. We could have easily had a 3 month engagement, now that all is said and done…everything has been planned/booked for a long time, and we still have almost 2 months to go. 

Post # 14
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

one of these old fashioned men who would feel it inappropriate to propose around the same time as a close friend or family member’s wedding

I … don’t think this is a thing? Sorry. He can feel that way if he wants, but it doesn’t make him “traditional”/”old-fashioned.” This idea that people get a wedding week/month/year is very, very new and pretty consistent of Selfie Generation attitudes. At least where I am from, it was pretty typical in the past for couples around the same age to kind of cluster – all the folks born within a few years of each other would get married in the summer/early fall over a year or two. Agricultural communities and all that. If you wait for a time when no one else has a milestone, you’ll wait forever.

You can pull a wedding together in very little time. My engagement -> I Do timeline was less than four months, and I know plenty of couples who have done it sooner than that. You can also start low-key planning (selecting venues, shopping around for vendors, budgeting) long before you get engaged, if you so choose. Or, you can start TTC now and run to the courthouse in a white maxi dress if it happens more quickly than expected. There are tons of ways to make this work. But in the “Big Beautiful Dream Wedding,” “Young Enough To Not Have Conception Worries,” and “Soon But Well Spaced Enough To Not Worry About Stealing Anyone Else’s Thunder” trifecta … I think you only get to pick two. Choose carefully.

Post # 15
Member
5537 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I agree with the PP, you can’t have everything here. You don’t want to get engaged in the summer because other people are getting married, you want a year before starting ttc, but you are also don’t want to be too old when ttc. Something has to give in all this. 

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