Post # 1
Hi fellow bees
I’m in a dilemma, and I don’t know what to do. My now fiancé moved to my home town, 100 miles from his friends and family, just over a year ago. He decided to move here since he has flexible working and because I’m the main earner and with plans to start a family, it made more sense since most of my friends have children giving me the additional support.
So tonight my other half has hit me with the bombshell that he’s not happy and very lonely, and has headed back to his parents.
He’s reassured me that everything with us is okay, just that he’s unhappy with not having any local friends or family, but I’m really upset that it’s got to this point and he’s run off home.
I feel like its all my fault that he’s so unhappy as he moved here for me. If he’s that unhappy, then I wonder if we gave a future together? It makes me so upset just thinking about it all. Any support or words of wisdom would be great please
Post # 3
He’s so unhappy he can’t deal with an hour and a half drive to go home and visit? I would worry about the level of commitment of someone who puts his family and presumably childhood friends above his fiance. I would put the starting a family plans on a serious hold.
Post # 4
wtf he hasn’t made new friends in your town?
Post # 5
@oneofthesethings: I do not think that he is putting his family and friends above her….I think he is just homesick and hasn’t adjusted to living in this new town.
OP, my fiancé moved to be with me over four years ago, and it took years for him to start making a good group of friends. In fact, he just recently said that he can himself living here forever. That was a big change for him, so maybe your fiancé just needs time as well.
Post # 6
He hasn’t made any friends in the area. I’ve tried to hook him up with a 5 a side footy team, but he’s only been called on once as he was away on business. He’s a home worker too so doesn’t have an opportunity to meet people that way, and the majority of my friends are single so I can’t introduce him to anyone that way.
I understand why it’s hard for him, but he’s left me here in tears 🙁
Post # 7
@oneofthesethings: +1. If it were 1000 miles then ok. One HUNDRED? Come on.
It’s understandable that he’s unhappy and homesick. That kind of stuff takes a lot of adjustment. However, actually moving back home as opposed to going to visit more often, is really drastic. I’d be livid if FI did something like that to me. Please do not go blaming yourself because it’s not your job to be his social secretary and life manager.
This is a relationship issue because he’s basically saying that it’s more important for him to solve his problem his way rather than sitting down with you and discussing potential compromises and fixes. If the two of you have done that, then my apologies, but I’m going from what was posted in the OP. I say this with no snark but as an objective third party – what he did was childish, irrational, thoughtless towards your feelings, and not at all responsible as part of a committed couple. I think you two need to talk seriously about needs, wants, and goals and ensure that there are compromises and fixes for any major differences.
Post # 8
@OtterHalf: Well he left her and moved back home, so I’m not sure how that doesn’t count as putting his family and friends above her. I understand having a hard time adjusting, but homesick? An hour and a half away? He’s a grown man. He shouldn’t use homesickness as an excuse to leave his fiancee.
Post # 9
Thanks for your feedback and support. Just to clarify, he hasn’t left me to move back home, he’s just gone home for a day or two (or so he says) to clear his head
Post # 10
Did the roads dissolve when he moved? He couldn’t go visit and no one could visit him? It’s not that far so it sounds like a lame excuse. Can ask his age??
Post # 12
@summer_1981: Yikes. I can’t say I blame you for being upset!! He couldn’t have just talked to you before he ran home? Like didn’t something build up to this? Did you have any indication something was wrong?
Do you know if this is just temporary or is he actually moving back in with his parents?
This is like an hour’s drive… wtf.
I would seriously reconsider the relationship. If he can’t handle being an hour away from his parents, what happens when the going gets tough with your future children? What happens if you have to move FAR away?
I’m sorry you’re going through this but he sounds totally immature. Normal people don’t just run off without any warning.
Post # 13
@OctBride-20: Your comment about the roads dissolving made me laugh, thanks 🙂
On a serious note, I get that 100 miles is not far, and I tell him all the time to go back to catch up with friends a family. I think that he expects everthing to fall on his lap but he has to make an effort.
He’s 33 btw
Post # 14
@summer_1981: I’m so sorry! It seems unfair that he made this declaration and just left without discussion. I think he def needs some help with communication. Is he young? I mean, we grow up and move out- that’s normal. I hope you guys can figure something out.
Post # 15
@summer_1981: may I ask where from/where to?
Like, if he’s moved to Hull… it’s super depressing and no one would ever want to live there ever. But if he’d moved to Manchester, maybe? That would be different.
I moved from Manchester – Brighton and it was HARD. A massive culture shock. Southerners are just… not friendly. But I eventually got used to it. It took me a good 2 years to get used to it, and making new friends as an adult is really tough.
Can you move to somewhere in the middle? That way you’re only an hour or so from each side?
Post # 16
@summer_1981: I only say that because I live about 500 miles from my family and they apparently think the roads don’t exist for them to come see me but mysteriously spout from the ground when I drive to see them. LOL
At the age of 33 he should be mature enough to stick it out and make the best of things. It would be different if you weren’t urging him to visit his family/friends. I could see if you were forbidding him to go. It doesn’t bode well that he upped and left because he’s “homesick”. What will he do when you get married? I’m assuming that he works. Does he work from home or something or are you all on different schedules so that he has a lot of alone time?