(Closed) frenemy alert!

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee

Hmm. I am not going to offer one opinion because I think it 100% depends on what this nemesis did. If it was a personal issue between you two, or if it was open to interpretation whose fault the falling-out was, maybe your Bridesmaid or Best Man doesn’t have to cut off all contact with her forever. I don’t mean to disregard whatever she did to you, but just saying that hating someone sometimes causes one to blow things out of proportion. Again, I wasn’t there so I don’t know. 

If it was really truly horrible and she repeatedly and purposefully hurt you, I think you definitely should talk to your Bridesmaid or Best Man. If the dinner party was a one-time or infrequent event, making excuses might be possible. But every month? Sooner or later, BM’s going to know something’s up, so better to talk to her now. Clearly she doesn’t think what she’s doing is a big deal, and she’s not going to realize this on her own.

Post # 4
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

As someone who was once thrown in between two friends and got sick of it let me say this:

1) Your friendship with Bridesmaid or Best Man6 is between you and Bridesmaid or Best Man6. Who and what she decides to do is part of her life and the choices she makes including the friends she chooses.

2) It’s her dinner party so she’s entitled to invite who she wants to. You have every right not to go but keep in mind if you do that your beef with your nemesis is yours and not hers.

So you can go and be civil or not go, the choice is yours and if you choose not to go I would be honest about it (that’s part of of a friendship). I would not expect her to uninvite someone that she’s been friends with because you have issues with that person. I would hope that my friends who hate each other would be able to be civil for one dinner a month.

 

Post # 5
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Personally, I would say something to her if Bridesmaid or Best Man6 is good friends with you, and a friend you want to keep. Depending on what went down with the nemesis, it seems to me that friends becoming friends with enemies falls into the same “no dating friend’s ex-boyfriends” sort of rule pile. It would definitely bug me tons if a true friend of mine befriended someone who hurt me enough for me to hate them years later.

About the dinner situation, if it were me, I would e-mail Bridesmaid or Best Man6 something like “sorry Bridesmaid or Best Man6, but I have no interest in spending time with Nemesis” you could either leave it at that, or say that you have no reason to believe Nemesis has changed from the negative, manipulative person she was in the past, and that’s why you don’t want to spend time with her. I don’t think you can just ignore the invite each month, though, especially if it lasts more than a month or two.

Post # 6
Member
7494 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You can’t pick who your Bridesmaid or Best Man is friends with.  But you are certainly under NO obligation to  participate in activities that the nemesis will be at.  Is your Bridesmaid or Best Man just trying to have you all make nice after all these years?  Maybe you just need to be upfront and say “If you wan to be friends with “Nemesis” I can’t change that, but I hope you can understand that I don’t like her and stop trying to get us to hang out”.

Post # 7
Member
1509 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with MAlove.  As much as it will annoy you that your friend is also friends with that girl, it has nothing to do with you and you need to put that in the past.  Your friendship with Bridesmaid or Best Man is your friendship.  BM’s friendship with your enemy is BM’s friendship.

When I say this, it’s going to come out harsh and I don’t mean it to – but mind your own business regarding their friendship.  If you see the enemy girl, be cordial and be the bigger person. Don’t make comments about Bridesmaid or Best Man being friends with her since that isn’t any of your concern.

Post # 8
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think it’s totally okay to say, “You know, I’m not going to come to your dinner because I’m really not comfortable around So-and-So and I don’t want to make your dinner awkward. But, let’s you and me get together and have dinner Friday?”

I’d never make one of my friends hang out with another friend I know they didn’t dislke…..it’s so awkward for everyone…the tension gets so thick even if nobody says anything

Post # 9
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Ughhhh, I have a sort of parallel situation.  I was best best best best friends with this girl in college.  There were 10 of us that comprised our general group of friends but she and I were closest to each other. 

After college, she just stopped communicating with me.  No warning, no nothing, just stopped answering my calls, emails, etc.  To this day I have no idea what happened.

I wish I could just shut this girl out of my life.  Thinking about her makes me sad and angry.  However, all my close friends from college are STILL FRIENDS WITH HER.  We get invited to the same things all the time.  Fortunately for me, she usually “can’t make it”  because she’s wrapped up in her own life, but when we’re in the same room together, it’s SO AWKWARD.  I tried to say hi to her, and she turned her head like she didn’t see me.  We’re 26 years old, people!

Additionally, I suspect that sometimes my friends make plans with our “group” and don’t include me but do include her.  But that’s a story for another day.

Onto your issue, this does create a super-awkward situation, even as adults!  Talk to Bridesmaid or Best Man6 and let her know what’s up.  Maybe she’s just kind of oblivious to how weird this situation is.  But if you have to go, be cordial and put the ball in her court.  If she ignores you/acts like a child (like my ex-friend) then she’s the one in the wrong, not you. 

Post # 10
Hostess
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think it’s okay to say to her that you don’t want to go to the dinner because that person is invited and if she asks why, gently remind her about what she did to you. I agree that with serious fall outs you can’t be friends with both people.  I hope this girl is just dumb and not intentionally trying to hurt you.

Post # 11
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

This is going to sound kind of harsh, but whatever friendship they want to have is between them. No one remembers when someone does something to someone else, exactly how that person felt–she is obviously trusting that this girl won’t do it to her. I say let her have her friendship and you just tell her you’d like to get together with her for dinner at a different time.

Again, like someone else said, it really does depend on what this girl did, though.

Post # 12
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

The ex and I had a very bad breakup after over 6 years of dating, and we wreaked havoc on many of our mutual friends’ lives in the process.  Not forcing them to take sides was one of the hardest things for me to do.  I wanted to take everything from him and make him suffer because I hated him so much for what he did to me.  But in the end, I left it alone.  It wasn’t worth it, and it would have hurt my friends even more.  What happened between us happened between us–he didn’t wrong any of our friends.  He wronged me.  There’s a big difference, and no one but the two of us knew what he did.

The ex and I were both invited to be in a wedding this past summer.  I ignored him completely and had a great time.  I also made it a point not to bring my fiance, because that day wasn’t about me.  It was about celebrating the marriage of 2 of my closest friends.  It would have made ME the bad friend to make a big deal about it. 

I think you should just let your friend know why you won’t be attending her dinner parties without blaming her, getting mad, or trying to get the enemy disinvited.  But it does work both ways–you shouldn’t get mad at her for inviting the enemy any more than she should get mad at you for not attending.  It’s about mutual respect and understanding.

Post # 15
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Hmm.. well, before your update I agreed with the above posters who said it isn’t right to say your friendship is mutually exclusive. Coming from a person who has been and currently is ‘in the middle’ of friendships gone bad, it is a super tough position to be in and everyone’s relationship is different.

However, I never agreed that it was okay for Bridesmaid or Best Man6 to invite BOTH of you to the dinner parties. She should have known better. That actually is a situation where she either needs to choose which one of you she likes better and invite that person first, OR try to get you two together to reconcile. It’s just common sense. Unless she loves drama and drama is actually on the guest list.

But you were right to tell her your reason for not coming to the dinner party. And also perfectly resonable to request that she tell you if Nemesis would be coming in the future. Her reaction says to me that she is a little selfish and is refusing to realize her mistake in this situation. I don’t know about dumping her from the wedding party unless you really think she’s out to hurt you, that is kind of extreme. Your wedding isn’t until August, fortunately you have some time to see how the situation plays out. Maybe she will calm down and apologize for the dinner party situation, or you two can agree to disagree and go on with your friendship otherwise.

Good luck!

Post # 16
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

You have every right to be upset with the situation… but here is some food for thought… you’ve been holding on to this hurt and drama since college (5 years?). What good is it doing you or anyone else?

I don’t know what this girl did to you, so obviously I don’t know the extent of the hurt, but it would probably be better for YOU if you tried to let it go. Especially since it seems to be creeping into your relationships with your friends.

One additional thought: you mentioned that you and Bridesmaid or Best Man6 have mutual friends. If you cut Bridesmaid or Best Man6 out of your life or stop being friends with her, you might be starting the same situation over again with a different nemesis.

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