(Closed) Frequency concerns…

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Is he depressed? Maybe it would help if you guys went to counseling separately, so you could both express your frustrations without being afraid of the other’s reaction.

Also, it could just be a temporary rut that he is in right now. Stress, lack of sleep, self-esteem issues can all contribute to lack of a sex drive.

 

I am sorry you are going through this though! 🙁

Post # 4
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Ok, I am much like you. Very, very sexually driven. We have sex about once a week, which I’d like to happen more frequently. My friend once told me that one of the most important aspects of a relationship is the sexual compatibility between the two people. If you’re not sexually compatible, chances are it won’t last. I’d suggest you think about it. 

Post # 5
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

That sounds really difficult, and I don’t think that you are overreacting when you say that this is a big deal for you, and has the potential to be a dealbreaker. I can relate to your fear about the potential for your sex life to get worse when you have kids…my husband and I usually have sex at least once a week, but we used to do it much more, and I worry how it will get when we have children.

But the fact that you can go six weeks without having sex and you are very unsatisfied, while he thinks it’s no big deal seems to imply a fundamental difference in your sex drives. I don’t really know if that can be resolved. Does he know *how* much of a big deal this is to you (rightfully so)? It’s too bad that he won’t get his testosterone checked…unless he is really stressed out I don’t think it’s normal for a fairly young (i don’t know his age) man to be okay with not having sex for that long. Does he masturbate?

Post # 6
Member
4606 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m the opposite really. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex when I have it, I just don’t want it very much. When Fiance and I first starting dating 2 years ago, we had sex ALL the time, now, we’re having sex maybe once every 2 weeks. I go through spells where I really want to, and I could stay in bed all day just romping around. But most of the time, I don’t want Fiance to touch me. I mean really, we’re not even having oral sex right now. Fiance gets frustrated with me a good bit, but we have to cram so much quality time into a matter of 24 hours, sex just seems pushed. I also didn’t want to fall into any kind of routine, which is where we were before we got engaged. He’d come over, help me out with chores or watch tv, we’d go to bed, I’d go to class the next morning, come home, make lunch, hang out and then we’d have sex. It was like that for 4 months prior to our engagement…

I put mine off to stresses and being relatively busy all the time though. I think when things with the wedding settle down some, we’ll get back in sync with each other.

Maybe he is depressed about something, or he’s dealing with other pressures and stresses he’s not voicing to you. But if counseling isn’t helping, if he doesn’t see the problem and you’re doing everything you can to spice it up, then maybe you should reevaluate what’s going on with you, your Fiance and your relationship.

Post # 7
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I really don’t know what to tell you. It sounds like your sex drives are very different and you’ve been working on it. You’ve talked to him about it, you’re in counseling, and things are still frustrating. I’m not really sure what to tell you. Maybe something is going on with him or maybe he just has a completely different sex drive than you. I go through cycles where I want more sex or less sex but Darling Husband is fine with it and it seems to work out.

Post # 8
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

My previous Boyfriend or Best Friend had a similar problem (which is probably why we never got engaged) we were together for 4 years and by the end it was only happening maybe once a week. The problem is that those habits have leaked into my current relationship… I have been with Mr for 3 years and I have just never gotten back into the swing of things. When I’m not super stressed it can be 6-10 times a week, the rest of the time its only once or twice but YOU obviously need tot figure out how important this is to you. Obviously getting married isn’t going to change this situation so you need to figure out what you are willing to live with… is this something you are willing to work on forever… eveni f it never gets substantially/consistently better?

Post # 9
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

Maybe he has a problem with his hormones. I once read about a guy whose lady friend had this same kind of problem and when he went to do bloodwork, they found out that his testosterone (sp?) count was really really low. They had to start him on medication and things started looking ‘up’ from there.

Post # 12
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m also the opposite way. I enjoy spending time with Fiance but I’m just not into sex that much. I’m always tired or have other things to do. I don’t have a lot of self confidence and that’s another reason.

Post # 13
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I agree with PP, you are not overreacting, this is something to seriously look at and there could be something wrong physically. Read Sperm Wars, great book that taught me a lot about men and their bodies.(even if it doesn’t help here, it is a good read) It sounds like it has dropped to a rate that is far below normal. Maybe if you had a few kids, worked opposite schedules, or 16 hour days, but in everyday normal life this just seems odd. I’m sorry that this is happening and that you haven’t been able to find any solutions, it sounds really frustrating.

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