- 8 years ago
- Wedding: August 2011
Yes, I am a regular poster on the boards, and I created an anonymous account because I’m a little embarrassed, and I don’t know if Fiance “lurks” here.
To be perfectly blunt, I have a problem with our sex life – I need more sex! – and I’m wondering if anyone here can relate. For a little background, Fiance and I have been dating a little less than 4 years. I’d say the first 6 months or so we had a relatively decent sex life in terms of frequency and quality, although it’s important to note that during that time we were only seeing each other once per week and it was often after going out for drinks, which led to him being more…aggressive, I guess. He wasn’t the best sex I’d ever had, but still good.
I think it was after a year or maybe 1.5 years that I started to really notice that our sex life was waning – we were practically living together by then and were having sex maybe once every 10 days to 2 weeks. Once I became conscious of it, I made more of an effort to initiate it myself, and things seemed OK for a while.
But then, around 2 to 2.5 years into the relationship, I realized things had really gotten worse. We were down to maybe once a month, sometimes 6 weeks would go by without sexual contact. At that point, I started trying to talk to Fiance (then boyfriend) about it – outside of the bedroom, and casually. I just asked if he’d noticed the lack of sex and said I didn’t want us to become one of those couples who let life get in the way and don’t make time for sex, and asked what we could do to make things better in that area. Well, he seemed surprised that I thought there was a problem, but agreed to make more of an effort in the bedroom. Unfortunately nothing changed, he initiated sex once or twice right after that conversation, and then lapsed back into the once a month or so pattern. So I waited a bit, brought it up again – never in an accusatory way – and the same thing happened. It became a cycle.
We got engaged in April and we’re planning a September 2011 wedding. However, I just have such major concerns about our sex life. I am, and always have been, a sexual person, and I’m pretty open about it. I’m not shy about bringing things up with Fiance. I don’t mind initiating sex sometimes. I’ve tried to spice things up by incorporating toys, lingerie, offering to let him watch me, even offering to watch porn with him. All to no avail. I’m hugely sexually unsatisfied. If we do have sex, I’m always the initiator, and I’m beginning to tire of it. I tell him I would love it if he were more aggressive, initiated more often, etc, because it would make me feel desired, but it doesn’t seem to get through to him.
Before anyone suggests counseling, I have definitely already gone that route. I told him I wanted to do some relationship counseling before we got married and he said he didn’t see the point, but once he realized I wouldn’t marry him unless we got counseling, he agreed to come along. I thought maybe a counselor could help us have a more fruitful conversation, and get us out of the repetitive cycle we seemed to be in, but we’ve had 4 sessions and made no progress. When the counselor asks Fiance if there are reasons he doesn’t initiate sex and how he feels about sex, he just says he’s “not aggressive” and it’s “just how he is.”
I’m practically at my wits end. I hate that sex has become such a big issue in our relationship, and I would also hate to say that sex was a deal-breaker. But I think about how unsatisfied I am now, and then I worry what might happen once we bring kids and everything into the picture. If we’re only doing it once a month or 6 weeks now, will it be once every 6 months 10 years from now? Like I said, I’m a very sexual person. I do NOT want to have a marriage like that.
Even when we do have sex, if I’ve initiated it, it feels methodical. It doesn’t feel as if we’re really…connecting, I guess. He doesn’t have a problem getting it up, so I don’t think it’s a physical issue, though I did ask if he wanted to get his testosterone levels checked – that was a no.
I just don’t know what to do anymore, but I feel so badly saying, “Sorry, I can’t live like this.”
Can anyone relate at all?