Fresh breakup

posted 7 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

Sorry to hear about your breakup.

 

I remember my last breakup I felt devastated but I found what helped was thinking back to my breakup before and reminding myself that I felt like my life would never be the same but I got through it in the end

Take it day by day and celebrate the small wins like getting out of the house or having a shower. Also remember that it won’t be a straight line forward, more like the tide that comes and goes. Some days you’ll feel like you’ve taken a step forward and then two steps back, which is completely normal and part of grieving.

Post # 3
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee

pinkglitter2017 :  its a tough situation.

You can logically look at a peice of paper and see you are better off and that you didnt have the healthiest relationship. But emotionally, its another story.

Keep that list handy and read over it when you are feeling sad or you miss him. Dont reach for the old love notes or messages, delete them.  It will get better with time, i promise. 

 

Post # 4
Member
2209 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

pinkglitter2017 :  I think this is a situation where you’re probably going to hear a lot of “you’re better off without him.”

And while you can know that intellectually, it isn’t the same as realizing it emotionally. 

The only thing you can really do now is focus on yourself. Ultimately you have no control over his behavior, but you DO have control over how you react to this turn of events. 

After my last bad breakup, I just tried to treat myself very gently. I spent time with friends,  I did little day trips to distract myself. Eventually I started to feel better, and it stopped hurting so much. 

You have invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship. No matter whether it was happy or healthy, that’s not something that just flips off like a switch. Give yourself permission to grieve.

The last thing I suggest is to try and be your OWN boyfriend. Do all the things for yourself that you want from a Boyfriend or Best Friend. Buy yourself flowers, take yourself out to dinner, spoil yourself so well that you will know that much more clearly how you want your NEXT relationship to look. 

I know you are hurting, and everything feels awful, but getting back together with him is just a recipe for more pain and unhappiness. Try to look forward instead of back. Your future can be whatever you want it to be; you can build it for yourself without him. 

Hugs. 

Post # 5
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

Hey there, 

Another overly self-sacrificing bee here! I get this impression your longest relationship was 10 years because you have tried everything to make it work. And this one doesn’t seem like a good fit at all. When everyone is happy that you guys broke up, there’s a reason.

I know how utterly difficult a break up after so many hopes(mostly false hopes) can be. But you gotta work on yourself girl! 5 days is not a long time, you’ll suffer for a while when your ex doesn’t even consider you. After a while you might even wanna get back together. Just don’t allow this to happen! You’re the most precious thing on earth and no-one gets to f.ck you over, okay?

Trust me, self love and confidence resonates like nothing else. It seems like there’s a lot of hard work to be done on your behalf. Definely surround yourself with powerful and wise people and ask them before doing anything “lame”. Sorry I’m being too open with my words, but I was just like you at some point of my life. I did everything right, I was the easiest person to get along with, I was low-maintenance and I was always there for me ex bla bla. I’ve gone through exactly the same mindset, and I cried on every corner ever possible even at work.

It took me about 1 year to finally gain my confidence back in terms of relationships. People will see the difference, and honestly, respect you more. Don’t worry about being alone. That relationship you have written about doesn’t sound like you had someone by your side to begin with.

You know what I also watched “Matthew Hussey” on YouTube religiously back then (2.5 years ago now) , his videos helped me understand the relationships and create a new self.

Be the one to be chased not the one chases always. 

Post # 6
Member
571 posts
Busy bee

Look into the booke “It’s Called a Break-Up Because It’s Broken.” It really helped me through some breakups as well as the advice of the bees on here.

Absolutley #1 rule and tip is NO CONTACT. Do not, under any circumstances, contact him. Block his number and do not engage with him!

Get rid of all the pictures. All the social media. I mean EVERYTHING.

Not sure if you are able or allergic or not, but I adopted a cat. She is my little fur love ball and when I was down or sad, I had her to come home to and look forward to.

Focus on finding a job (sorry to hear about your layoff)

Get to the gym!

I also found that living alone can be really quiet so I always had the TV on and binge watched some shows.

You can do this! As PP stated, it won’t be a straight line. Some days will be better than others. You are strong!

Think of how this guy put you 2nd to a hobby. I know how that feels. My most recent ex put me 2nd to a rap video editing hobby. Yuppers! You want someone who wants to spend more time with you, not less!

Post # 7
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2020 - Breckenridge, CO

Time heals all wounds. When you meet Mr. Right it will make so much sense why it didn’t work out with this guy. Grieve, reflect, and move on. Keep your head up, Bee. 

Post # 8
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

Oh bee I’m so sorry 🙁 it sounds like you’re having a hard time. Losing a job on top of a breakup must be incredibly shocking and upsetting. 

No matter how bad you’re feeling right now- please know that life will turn around and things will get better. These things are happening so that you can start a new chapter and have better opportunities, both in love and your career. 

I was blindsided by a breakup over the phone once. After 3.5 years and right before Valentines Day and he backed out of the trip I’d already paid for in advance. It was devastating and I was so shocked and angry and felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me.

I just realized I had to take things day by day and I coped by finding one good thing that happened every day since and journaled about it. And I blocked his number so he wouldn’t interrupt my healing. And I got over him in no time and my life is infinitely better!!!

After the pain and shock had worn off and I was starting to feel better, I asked myself for the first time ever: “what qualities do I want in a partner?” And I made a list of things I was looking for and when I was ready to date, I kept those things in mind so I knew I had better standards moving forward. Now that you have a list of your ex’s bad qualities, maybe compare those to what you are looking for? It could be quite liberating to know that you can find someone much better! And you will

i hope you can find some peace with the situation and with time, start to heal when you’re ready. And come here for support as much as you need. Life will get better- I promise! 

Post # 9
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

Other bees have given some truly wonderful advice. I wish I knew what to say in these situations, other than you absolutely did the right thing and you should be immensely proud of yourself. Hugs and good thoughts!!! xx

Post # 10
Member
1207 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t have experience of a break up of as long a relationship as yours was, but when I broke up with my ex and was heartbroken the thing that helped me the most was doing something for myself that I had always wanted. I saved really hard and went travelling by myself for a month and it was the best experience of my life, it taught me that I didn’t need anyone to have fun and that I could do anything I wanted to do. I would really urge you if you can to do the same, travelling was the single best thing I ever did and it made me get over my ex so much faster than if I was sat at home by myself living the same life as always but alone.

If you can’t afford to travel then take the time alone to start a new hobby you’ve always wanted, just keep yourself busy doing things you enjoy to take your mind off it, see it as a chance for a new start and to find yourself and do things you’ve always wanted. When you’re single is when you can be selfish and just do things for you. Seize this opportunity and try and look at the positives and how you can improve your life. 

Post # 11
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

It is hard to start over and it hurts. But I think the one question you need to ask yourself about this relationship is, “are we compatible”. From what I am reading here, you two might be attracted to each other and love each other but you don’t seem compatible about a lot of issues. You may be hurt but you may also be being saved from a horrible divorce and heartbreak for your future children down the road. Stop worrying that you are 32. It doesn’t matter. You can get married at any age. Day to day compatibility is super important in a marriage. Your frequent fights and break ups are a sign that this isn’t working. 

 

Post # 12
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

pinkglitter2017 :  

I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this breakup, but as others have mentioned, once the clouds fade and you can see beyond that, you’ll realize this was a great thing. You do not want to waste your time on someone who makes you second priority to anything. Trust me.

Your story hit a chord with me and reminded me a little of my ex. We were not super long distance but lived on opposite sides of a big city, so we had to more actively plan time together. He was obsessed with sports. And I mean for a long time I was too, hence the attraction, but I honestly started hating them because he was always refereeing, playing on league, another league, etc, etc. I spent probably more than half my relationship with him in an arena just to spend time with him. (my mistake in retrospect). Your ex taking on another unpaid coaching job reminded me so much of my ex taking on yet another league to play in. There wasn’t any time left for us. I cared. He obviously didn’t.

I truly do sympathize  with you because I beat myself up for too long and I hurt very badly for longer than I’d like to admit. I even was still hurting when I met my now-husband, but he quickly proved he was not the same and that was the BEST thing. He made our relationship a priority, valued our time together, and found ways to make more time to see me, not less.

Be thankful that he finally told you the truth, even though I can only imagine how painful the mixed signals he has given you are. Take your time to heal and move on. The right guy for you will make you his priority. He can have hobbies, as should you, but you should still be at the top of the list.

Best of luck bee!

Post # 13
Member
617 posts
Busy bee

I know as well as anyone how much break-ups hurt because I am a very sensitive person, so break-ups always cut very deeply.

The other bees have given wonderful advice. I would add the following:

* Make self-care your number 1 priority. Good food, gentle exercise, plenty of sleep. Take plenty of naps (for me personally, naps are a lifesaver if I’m in emotional pain – great escape and very good for your mental state). Pamper yourself as well – if you can afford it, get your hair done, get a massage, get a manicure and pedicure. If you’re low on cash, there are lots of good treatments which are not expensive which you can do from home, and DIY manicures are very easy to learn.

Bubble baths with a glass of wine (even champagne to celebrate your freedom)…. indulge yourself.

* Accept the universal truth that break-ups happen for the best. Always. This has been proved to me without exception in my life. Even if the break-up seems like the worst thing that’s ever happened to you, it IS FOR THE BEST. And this is the Universe (or God, or whatever you believe in) protecting you.

Either the person was not right for you – and in a few weeks or months looking back at your relationship, you will see this is true – or you needed to part from that person to do more learning, healing or growth. But break-ups are never a random act of cruelty. They are always, ALWAYS an opportunity for something better.

(Also, 32 is not old. Ditch the mindset that you need to be a certain age to find love! I found a wonderful man at the age of 36 and even at 36 was amazed at how many fantastic men are out there. I know people who have found incredible partners at literally every age.)

Post # 14
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

I didn’t even have to read that far down. This guy isn’t the one for you. He is actively choosing other activities he know limits the time he spends with you. You say you argue a lot. When it’s a good fit it isn’t that hard. Trust that you are rid of something that wasn’t right and are now free to find something that is right. Every time I thought one guy was it for me and was devastated about it and thought I would never move on and find someone else I always did. So hold to that idea. This wasn’t it for you. There will be someone else. Hugs bee. 

 

pinkglitter2017 :  

Post # 15
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

 

Very well said. Love all your points. That has been my experience as well. To this day at 34 I have never had a breakup that wasn’t for the best. You will see that in time. 

indigobee :  

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